I got up this morning the same way I did last night, unhappy with myself and knowing my master would be disappointed in me. He told me to get off the game at 11 pm and be in bed by 11:30. At the time of my decision last night, my thoughts were lackadaisical, "Eh, it'll be okay." This laid back way of thinking did not serve anyone at all well, certainly not Him. I know better... I do.
Why is it that my best blog writing occurs when I cannot possibly write it? In the shower!!! Jeez who knows what all I will forget. But I will put down what I do remember and all new thoughts that occur here.
The difference between disobeying and obeying is the same as going to bed and awakening upset as to getting cuddled both times. Now that I have calmed down a bit, I can assure you that He will not yell at me. He doesn't do that. Somewhere in my upbringing I learned that to disobey means a brutal verbal stripping of my self-confidence. Master is nothing about fear nor is He ever domineering. He is a pure Master and knows exactly what He is doing.
For me, disobeying and then lying about it is nonsense. I will be upset about it and He will know it. Then when would He ever know if I ever told the truth?? He would begin to question my every move (something I do myself when someone lies to me) and that I cannot endure. This is not something to be senseless about. Relationships have been lost over lies and I cannot do it anyway. First thing I did when my eyes opened was text him. I wasn't out of bed. I hadn't gone to the bathroom nor taken the dogs out. I had to tell him... HAD TO. RIGHT THEN.
Then I discovered a horrible thing. My mother always let me choose my punishments - she said that I always punished myself far worse than she would have. I'm not sure if the result of her idea was what she had in mind though. This morning as I got up, I questioned whether or not to take my pills! Whether or not I deserved to take them and feel okay today. I questioned whether or not to lotion & moisturize my body. I questioned everything that had to do with care of myself!
Immediately I recognized a problem. I am HIS property and to mistreat myself over anything at all means I am mistreating something that belongs to HIM. So I made myself wash my sinuses, take my pills and shower. I brushed my teeth. I shaved. Now this part, the shaving, that wasn't the best idea. I knew it when I did it. My armpits have dead skin in them from the friction burns my first week working out. Shaving is not a good idea YET. My legs have sores on them so shaving is painful at best. I did it anyway. I couldn't stand the hairiness any longer. It was not so bad, but it wasn't great. I did lotion. I did everything I regularly do to care for myself in the morning.
You see, once I realized that it was self-punishment imposed if I didn't do those things, I realized that a) I was taking punishment into my own hands --- WRONG and b) I was mistreating His property --- also WRONG. So I did those things despite the screaming in my head telling me I didn't deserve to be taken care of.
How can a person think, "I don't deserve to be taken care of?" How fucked up is that? He would tell me to stop right now and not go further with that line of thinking, that of course I deserve to be taken care of and that He loves me. At least, that's been the record thus far, I can only hope that He will tell me that again. *sigh*
All this questioning of self. I didn't scratch though!
I did manage to hurt myself this afternoon... when getting up my right knee popped quite painfully so now it's wrapped. Jeez. Can't take me anywhere.
Anyway. I am not happy with my choice last night. It was wrong and I knew it then as I know it now. Won't do it again!
I'm sorry, Maître. Please forgive me.
