Intro:
There are moments when a person wonders if they must quit what they are doing in order to survive. Me, I've walked away from things for pretty much the same reason - I was replaced. Being replaced is difficult and it's hard on the mind... I know, it's happened over and over to me. It doesn't require a younger, newer model to take my place; I've discovered that pretty much anything can do the trick: TV, sports, friends, drinking, online games, a job, the cell phone. In short, anything that consistently takes the attention from your mate, no matter WHAT you are in the middle of doing... those things can become a problem in your relationship if you let them consistently take your attention from your loved ones.
The rant:
People. Don't answer your cell phone when you are at lunch with your loved ones. The loved ones in your life deserve your full attention at the moment when you are supposed to be spending time with them. If they don't deserve your full attention, it's time to ask yourself why you feel that way. Do you feel they deserve to be treated as second to some other thing in your life? Are you upset with them? Have you started to feel that you are somehow being taken advantage of by them? Or are you just an ingratious bastard.
The obvious statement:
Making the decision to leave is probably the easiest decision I've ever encountered, no matter what the reason (and there's always a reason).
Reasoning:
Somewhere along the way, I was relegated to being second best... then third... then I don't think I even made the top 10 list anymore. Eventually, anything and everything else that came along was far more important to those people than I was at that moment. Don't get me wrong, I know that sometimes a person has to focus on other things. I know it's not all about me. This is about the base of the relationship, the foundation. If you want a good foundation, you have to work at it, and THAT is a forever thing. You can't just waltz through and then decide "ok caught this one" and continue on as if they'll be there forever without another thought from you. I've no patience for nor interest in shelf life - shouldn't have to be patient with that either.
One of the things I've discovered in the past two years is that my slave tendency is very natural, and it's reared up its little head throughout my entire life. Previously, I've HAD to take the alpha position, time and again. Probably my inefficient choice-making when choosing mates, but it's ended up the same until now. Being alpha drives me batshit, quite honestly. Just the idea of it drives me nuts. Oh I'm good at playing alpha when I have to, don't get me wrong, but truly I prefer being in the driver's seat. No, literally. I like being the one DOING things, but I would rather someone else be in charge, if you know what I mean. Yes, yes. I see you taking that out of context. Let's clear things up, shall we? "Driving" does not necessarily mean you are the one making the decisions. The man "Driving Miss Daisy" was the servant, while the lady in the backseat was the woman in charge.
For a while now I've been patient. I've discovered a well of patience within myself I didn't even know existed. But you know what? This has nothing to do with patience so much as it has to do with waking up every morning because I do not consider unlife a choice. I live this. I live being the one in "sorta" charge because Master cannot be here with me right now. He is with me, yet not physically. I look forward to His coming but if I think about it overmuch I start to miss Him and then I get really down and my heart aches. This will not do. I have to continue on my daily path. In order to keep from going crazy, W/we both tend to fill our time with things. I've crocheted a blanket and other hobbies, my creative side being the most active part of me that keeps me sane. He games online.
It doesn't mean I'm second best. It means we are biding our time, jumping through the government hoops and just surviving.
Surviving. Doesn't sound like a real great way to go through life, but there's no choice at this moment. I'm not going anywhere without Him and vice versa. We love one another thoroughly, eternally. We keep skype going so that we can have constant communication and keep our foundation strong. Skype is why we know other things do not take our original place of importance in one another's life. Truly I do not know how people make it in the military. For us, that constant communication is near and dear to our hearts. I feel empty without him, without hearing his voice. The touch that we ache for so much has been temporarily soothed by constant verbal communication. I can assure you that communication will remain at the fore throughout our lives. We both require it in order to thrive.
Sometimes I get quiet. Master asks me if we are okay. I reassure him that yes, we are definitely okay. For Him, you see, second place is also not acceptable. Second just doesn't cut it.
