This may be a wandering post: Trying to focus my thoughts on some central theme today seems impossible. My mind is just going too many different directions.
BDSM: It is difficult to be in this lifestyle. It's socially unacceptable in the prudish USA. I don't personally know anyone who lives in it. I keep friends I meet online at a distance because my relationship is "technically" online, and those in the lifestyle consider online relationships to be artificial. Nothing could be further from the truth for us.
LDR: It is difficult to be so far away from one another. I don't talk about it and can't tell any others in the lifestyle because they're so opinionated against LDR, saying what LDR isn't real. I'd get tired of arguing and feel isolated and pissed off. I'll just stick with being isolated and leave the pissed off out of it. Then there's the physical distance between us and, let's face it folks, skype does help but it doesn't even come close to the real deal. Two weeks with this man told me that heaven and hell were in my future and there is only heaven when I get to go see him in person.
I guess mostly I'm feeling isolated and I'm a bit pissed at myself for feeling sorry for myself about it. It's not a new thing. It's not entirely unwanted either. Isolation is familiar; it's something I grew up living - I wandered around the playground alone while other kids played together and that never really changed. I am uninterested in social functions, social groups, or socializing in general... even with friends, of whom I have practically none through my own choices. I have acquaintances, coworkers who are no closer than acquaintances, and a few friends who were close but with our extreme beliefs and life differences I've chosen to keep distance between us.
I have no one to blame for my choices to distance myself but, me...
Talking to Master about it makes me feel like I'm a broken record, repeatedly whining about something over which I only have a semblance of control, and only the part where there is distance between myself and others. Talking to anyone else doesn't seem like a sensible idea. Wanna hear the really funny/sad part? The questions I have and the worries I have seem either trivial or allow people too damn close to me so they could hurt me with the information.
OK here are some things.
If I tell anyone I PERSONALLY know about the Master/slave aspect of my life, they would start that old feminazi BS that goes something along the lines of, "OMG that is wrong, twisted, fucked up, unacceptable (fill in the blank) and you can't do that!" which is generally followed by all sorts of epithets regarding men being sexist pigs and codependent women needing to realize they are naturally superior, independent and that they do not need men in any way. This being a very small town, if I told acquaintances or friends in town, the gossip would spread faster than the flu and in small towns you can lose a job through gossip. I'd practically get crucified and be a social pariah.
If I talk to anyone I know through the M/s D/s networks, they find out I'm online and not in real time then we have the gossip again, followed by lynching by internet trolls, then being labelled a social pariah in the only places where my lifestyle IS acceptable.
It's not that I am bothered by being alone. If I choose it, that is. Being a social pariah is no biggie, if I'm the one who makes it so. As soon as someone removes my choice to decide whether or not to participate in friendship or anything larger, THAT is where I have an issue.
Finally.
Master wanted me to write in a journal daily. I bet he gets tired of hearing all the "horrible" shit I endured at the hands of my psychopathic mother, my asshole brother, other folks in my life... and the excuses that seem to endlessly pop out of my mouth regarding my hangups. One of those hangups is writing any sort of journal or diary. Mom read my diary when I was a senior in highschool and I got in trouble for things I'd done a year ago, for having emotions at all, for putting them in the privacy of my diary instead of keeping them locked in my head (or rather having the thoughts at all). I have trouble writing down what I'm thinking or feeling. When I write, you get a huge entry that sorta spirals in but never really touches the heart of the matter.
Case in point. If someone discovered my M/s lifestyle... how long before the gossip somehow reached my ex-husband who would try to take our son just to get back at me (because he damn sure WOULD if he COULD and I know it.) There's a worry.
How long before my Master can be here? It's felt like a hell of forevers to me and I try to get through every day by focusing on the moment and not thinking of the past or the future and for some reason if I have friends they tend to talk about other people and social lives and gossip and when I hear gossip I think about the past and the future. Will my Master ever be allowed to be here? When... because this is an agony. It's killing me.
Finances, taxes, houses, cars, maintenance, people, life, job, blah blah blah. All the regular things that people worry about, or think about, or deal with. I have that too... but in a very odd way I am not alone while being alone.
Remember... I got a lot on my mind. Having trouble staying centered on it all. It's not like this is an ezine article for some Joe-schmo to come read and learn from. It's not being written for anyone at all, really.
I wonder what you'd get, Master, if I did manage to write every day.
What a mess.
