Been a busy time for me since my nervous breakdown in April.
Financials are kicking my butt. After having to pull $5K out for taxes last year and putting a new roof on the other house for $5300 and the old roofing not being hauled off, you would think that would be enough for the year, but no. I've had the air conditioner fixed twice, finally ending up with a new motor and the whole bit cost me over $500 when it was all said and done. Last night it started making stupid noise again. My car tires are going to be over $1200 and that's the price of last month with tire prices rising and doesn't include installation. I couldn't pay my auto and house insurance for the year, ending up paying for a month. I still have hospital bills monthly due to my bi-monthly therapy. I'm almost out of my GERD medication, meaning another trip to the doctor for a written prescription to be mailed to Canada for a year's worth of medication for around $300 (for the year, as opposed to $300 for a month here) and the idea of buying the only inhaler that works for me at $240 per month is just laughable. With all the things like roof, hospital and air conditioner, I haven't even begun to pay my property taxes. I've not the slightest clue how to afford the fees or travel costs to get my master and his things here and I hope he has money set away but considering his situation, he likely does not have very much.
On top of this, I missed a week of work because my cousin came to stay for a week at the beginning of June, extended her stay to two weeks, and her father doesn't quite grasp the idea of working at a job that doesn't have paid sick leave or paid vacation time. We had fun, but it cost me more money when I would have rather been working and making money than spending any. It was a most excellent visit and when she left it felt like a hole opened up underneath me, midsummer hit and I realized the days will get shorter now and I felt despair. My depression kicked in full force despite my medication and last night I broke again.
Then there's my current medical situation. Yes. Nervous breakdown. First week of April on a Thursday. I started therapy and my therapist insisted I see my regular doctor as soon as possible. I couldn't get in until the next Monday and she put me on an antidepressant and a anti-anxiety pill. My doctor says I'm depressed with severe anxiety. She says I've borderline personality disorder, possibly manic-depressive, with possible obsessive-compulsive disorder manifesting as dermatillomania aka skin picking disorder. I didn't mention that I wash my hands at least 30-50 times a day. Nor did I mention that if I chew a certain number of times on one side of my mouth I must chew that many on the other. Same with walking, 2.5 steps per sidewalk slab, that's 1.5 left foot prints and 1 right, starting the next one with 1.5 left footprints and 1 right, I have to even it out so that I have the same number of left and right footsteps on the sidewalk. I'm not so bad with that anymore... just when I'm alone. I should mention that during the car show my anxiety has allowed me to leave before walking up and down every single row, whether or not I see all of the cars. I thought I was crazy or going crazy.
Finally, July brought some more pressure, enough that last night I broke again. It isn't a lot, but the things are major. At the beginning of the month, I lost a two year friendship because I'm so slightly cracked that I cannot seem to keep my opinions to myself on facebook. Once she got done trying to figure out what to do, she continued the friendship on a limited basis by creating a facebook that "keeps certain people out of her personal life." Earlier this month I chose to break connections with some friends and family because of both monetary issues (I loaned money out, will never see it back apparently.) Then last week my cousin put in a police report on a pedophile in our family that the family has chosen to cover up and ignore since molesting me when I was very young. Harsh words were exchanged between my aunt and I regarding her husband's pedophilia and when I learned my cousin has been banned from the aunt's house, I realized that I have probably (hopefully) also been banned. For the remainder of the week and all weekend I had flashbacks on my molestation experiences, and for several nights I've had the strangest nightmares. I've been beaten, drowned, and burned in my dreams. Spending more time awake or in a semi-awake state means little sleep as well. I wake up in the morning feeling tired, knowing the nightmares aren't real, but the physical toll on my body for lack of good sleep is beginning to show again.
So I broke last night. The itching went on for a few hours before the anxiety kicked in. I spent time ignoring both until it was impossible to ignore and then I sat on my bed trying to get in the shower. I realized the skype unit wasn't functioning properly and spent a tear-filled hour trying to get it online, hoping desperately not to awaken my master, but He awakened anyway. He lost precious sleep, I lost sleep and fell to pieces crying and panicking. I sure wish that would stop. I fear that with the shortening of days and the length of time that this immigration process is taking, my antidepressant dosage may have to be raised to a higher milligram level.
This morning my immigration attorney contacted me to tell me that the petition had expired. Fortunately, it shouldn't be difficult to reinstate. Hopefully, this means the countdown to having Master join me in the United States has begun.
On a final note, I must add that Master made a statement not long ago that bothered me and continues to bother me: He said that I have a time limit, referring back to the day I had the nervous breakdown in April and told him I couldn't do this anymore on a text. Of course the attempt at a breakup did not work as it was certainly not what either of us wanted but He came to the conclusion that I have a time limit on what I am capable of handling. I am not angry about his, but filled with fear that He believes his girl will fail Him. If He doesn't believe in me, how can I possibly believe in myself?
