Fingertips, the eyes of my pain, the readers of my skin. Skin, the geography of my soul, the pain etched there with distraction of the moment. Would that I could have tattooed it all...
I pick. I pick my scabs. Off. I don't eat them. I don't know why. It soothes me when I am upset. It slows and stops me when my mind is on overdrive and goes a million miles an hour. It calms me when I feel overwhelmed. It distracts me when the reality of the world becomes all too real for me and I am saddened. It stops me from daydreaming. One conflict is enough to drive me to ruining every ounce of healing my body has poured forth from within. Threat of any possible conflict is enough to drive me to the same.
I used to have better control over this. I had a few spots on my derriere because I'd get a little zit here and there from sitting at my job all day. Once in a while, or once a month, I might get one on my forehead or a shoulder. I could get into a bathing suit and go swimming without a second thought. Not today. Not now.
The geography of my skin has sucked all of my focus to it now. My fingertips, so sensitive, every centimetre of smooth skin measured, weighed, found lacking. Smooth becomes a mountain. Oh no! A bump! Get it off get it off get it off! There is pain sometimes, yes. Infection sometimes, yes. I am too ashamed to go have a doctor look at it more than the single time I let one see.
Fingertips find a rough spot or a bump, it feels like Mount Olympus! Get it off! Razor edge fingernails dig at the edge, lifting slightly, sliding under and pulling more. There is tearing, a brief flash of burning sensation as the new unhealed raw skin is uncovered yet again. Beloved smoothness and a feeling of relief so great I could weep. Blood flows, nobody notices it with my black pants. I always wear black pants. I don't wear white shirts anymore either. Dark colored apparel is the ticket for me now that I am engaging in a daily flow of flesh and blood.
Bloody bits down the sink drain. Parts of me thrown away like so much trash. Little tidbits down the toilet along with the waste. I wonder if the carpet bugs have enough to eat these days?
Why. Why? I don't know. I only know that it must stop as I am a ruin of flesh.
I cannot stop. Help me.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
This day, this life; imagination, contemplation!
I am changing, ever changing. My inner self is a constant dialogue, but my energetic being flows with the energy of the earth; it ebbs and flows with the seasons. I am never more alive than in the autumn. Mabon is now, the 20th through the 22nd of September in this, the northern hemisphere.
A.D. 2012. Hmm. I will never say "in the year of our lord" because I am not a Christian and never will be. A battle still rages within me, but it is not over the existence of deities. There are no gods nor goddesses, and yet I feel that energy of the earth. What IS that? Science has not answered all questions. If all questions were answered, science would cease to exist. There are things we still simply do not know.
So what is this that I feel? Is it real or imagined? What of this ebbing, flowing energy? I cannot see nor show it to anyone, therefore I cannot prove its existence. This, of course, has nothing to do with atheism - that concerns only lack of belief in gods/goddesses. THIS is something else. It is as if I feel the energy of the earth, or of something. ???????? Could I possibly prove what I feel is a real thing? There are many things we know are there but we cannot see them: We can prove there is electricity flowing through wires within our houses, we can prove that the earth rotates and wobbles upon its path around the sun, we can prove that there is oxygen in the air we breathe... even though we cannot see these things with our own eyes. What is this and why do I feel it?
Another question, why do people "feel" things as a group? There are hordes of people out there claiming to feel certain things at the same time as others in a particular group. This is not a physical thing! If a building full of people burns and fire touches everyone within, they would all feel the burning and pain. But we can see that; we have proof that they all felt the same thing at the same time. What I mean is, why do people claim to all feel the same thing that cannot be seen? People claim to feel energy from prayer rise to a god, but we know prayer does not work and we know there is no god. Would these claims be a form of collective idiocy or insanity? Is it a desire to have something, a desire so overpowering that a group of people will sacrifice their common sense and join in a group belief; not REALLY feeling anything at all, just imagining it or lying flat out? Or does collective group feelings without visual proof of something truly exist?
My mind stops for a moment in the reverie of questions and wondering. My mind returns to being present. A funny thought inserts here, grounding me briefly in the here and now: As I have these conversations with myself in my brain, I am doing daily things; driving, working, cooking, doing laundry, etc. While most of the time my mind converses happily with itself, considering very strange things, always I return to the present to "check in" and see what is happening in the here and now. After checking everything in the here and now with a nearly pure focus, I slip back into the conversation. Sometimes the conversation shifts... fluid like a river. I am fluid and ever-changing, after all.
Aren't we all?
Perhaps everyone is not fluid and ever-changing! It cannot be that I am alone, statistically that would be impossible, egotistical, and ridiculous. Do other people ever wonder such things? Do other people wonder just how many other people are out there thinking about this same stuff? It would be interesting to have knowledge of the percentage of the whole population thoughts on any subject at any time. This current thing about which I am thinking: How many people think of this subject that currently inhabits my mind? How many people think they are fluid and ever-changing, or how many think they are stable in a fixed position? There is no possible normality here. Wait. Normal? That word cannot apply here!
"Normal" cannot realistically represent any facet of humanity, not even a range of averages. Range fluctuates depending on any given situation. For example: if you measure height of people in a country with sub-standard food, the average range consists of shorter, smaller people. Give the people better food and the average range shifts upwards to taller people. A potential normality: It is normal that snowy owls are more white than any other color; it would be abnormal for a snowy owl to be reddish brown. There is no reason to assume that "normal" applies within the mental range of humanity either. Humans change situations with simple thought. Our powerful, thinking minds shift the variance of an average range easily. Example: A theist believes himself to be fluid and ever-changing in thought. The theist becomes an atheist and many things change in that person's situation that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Would that person who may have considered themselves to be fluid and ever-changing before now consider their time spent in the belief of god to be stable and fixed, perhaps stagnant? Or would they still feel that the time spent believing in god was with a fluid, ever-changing mind and that they still have such a fluid ever-changing mind? Would they feel that they had become stable and fixed as an atheist? It is a personal feeling and there is no normality that can be applied to personal feeling. In this way, psychology has tried to label and "affix" everything into a stable, fixed position for the sake of "normality."
During this time of writing, I have processed a bill, processed a payment, given the wrong key to someone, chased after them and given them another set of keys that have the proper key and come back in laughing. Those things are in the here and now. My mind did shift to be grounded while I did those things, it had to. But as soon as I am relieved of here and now, my mind begins to contemplate. Is this imagination? No. It is pure inner contemplation.
But you know? When I want silence in my mind, it is there immediately (unless I am stressed.) Rarely do I have to fight for silence. Most of the time, silence is instant if I desire it, then I am grounded in the here and now, hearing all that happens around me, feeling the air & temperature on my skin, all five senses activated completely. I do not have to scream at my own mind for silence.
Do you?
A.D. 2012. Hmm. I will never say "in the year of our lord" because I am not a Christian and never will be. A battle still rages within me, but it is not over the existence of deities. There are no gods nor goddesses, and yet I feel that energy of the earth. What IS that? Science has not answered all questions. If all questions were answered, science would cease to exist. There are things we still simply do not know.
So what is this that I feel? Is it real or imagined? What of this ebbing, flowing energy? I cannot see nor show it to anyone, therefore I cannot prove its existence. This, of course, has nothing to do with atheism - that concerns only lack of belief in gods/goddesses. THIS is something else. It is as if I feel the energy of the earth, or of something. ???????? Could I possibly prove what I feel is a real thing? There are many things we know are there but we cannot see them: We can prove there is electricity flowing through wires within our houses, we can prove that the earth rotates and wobbles upon its path around the sun, we can prove that there is oxygen in the air we breathe... even though we cannot see these things with our own eyes. What is this and why do I feel it?
Another question, why do people "feel" things as a group? There are hordes of people out there claiming to feel certain things at the same time as others in a particular group. This is not a physical thing! If a building full of people burns and fire touches everyone within, they would all feel the burning and pain. But we can see that; we have proof that they all felt the same thing at the same time. What I mean is, why do people claim to all feel the same thing that cannot be seen? People claim to feel energy from prayer rise to a god, but we know prayer does not work and we know there is no god. Would these claims be a form of collective idiocy or insanity? Is it a desire to have something, a desire so overpowering that a group of people will sacrifice their common sense and join in a group belief; not REALLY feeling anything at all, just imagining it or lying flat out? Or does collective group feelings without visual proof of something truly exist?
My mind stops for a moment in the reverie of questions and wondering. My mind returns to being present. A funny thought inserts here, grounding me briefly in the here and now: As I have these conversations with myself in my brain, I am doing daily things; driving, working, cooking, doing laundry, etc. While most of the time my mind converses happily with itself, considering very strange things, always I return to the present to "check in" and see what is happening in the here and now. After checking everything in the here and now with a nearly pure focus, I slip back into the conversation. Sometimes the conversation shifts... fluid like a river. I am fluid and ever-changing, after all.
Aren't we all?
Perhaps everyone is not fluid and ever-changing! It cannot be that I am alone, statistically that would be impossible, egotistical, and ridiculous. Do other people ever wonder such things? Do other people wonder just how many other people are out there thinking about this same stuff? It would be interesting to have knowledge of the percentage of the whole population thoughts on any subject at any time. This current thing about which I am thinking: How many people think of this subject that currently inhabits my mind? How many people think they are fluid and ever-changing, or how many think they are stable in a fixed position? There is no possible normality here. Wait. Normal? That word cannot apply here!
"Normal" cannot realistically represent any facet of humanity, not even a range of averages. Range fluctuates depending on any given situation. For example: if you measure height of people in a country with sub-standard food, the average range consists of shorter, smaller people. Give the people better food and the average range shifts upwards to taller people. A potential normality: It is normal that snowy owls are more white than any other color; it would be abnormal for a snowy owl to be reddish brown. There is no reason to assume that "normal" applies within the mental range of humanity either. Humans change situations with simple thought. Our powerful, thinking minds shift the variance of an average range easily. Example: A theist believes himself to be fluid and ever-changing in thought. The theist becomes an atheist and many things change in that person's situation that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Would that person who may have considered themselves to be fluid and ever-changing before now consider their time spent in the belief of god to be stable and fixed, perhaps stagnant? Or would they still feel that the time spent believing in god was with a fluid, ever-changing mind and that they still have such a fluid ever-changing mind? Would they feel that they had become stable and fixed as an atheist? It is a personal feeling and there is no normality that can be applied to personal feeling. In this way, psychology has tried to label and "affix" everything into a stable, fixed position for the sake of "normality."
During this time of writing, I have processed a bill, processed a payment, given the wrong key to someone, chased after them and given them another set of keys that have the proper key and come back in laughing. Those things are in the here and now. My mind did shift to be grounded while I did those things, it had to. But as soon as I am relieved of here and now, my mind begins to contemplate. Is this imagination? No. It is pure inner contemplation.
But you know? When I want silence in my mind, it is there immediately (unless I am stressed.) Rarely do I have to fight for silence. Most of the time, silence is instant if I desire it, then I am grounded in the here and now, hearing all that happens around me, feeling the air & temperature on my skin, all five senses activated completely. I do not have to scream at my own mind for silence.
Do you?
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Autumn
It is no secret that autumn is my favorite time of the year. Well, I think everyone knew except me. This past two years with Master has given me time for deep introspection and I have finally noticed that at the advent of autumn, my energy spikes, suddenly I have the urge to go out and explore, I feel jubilant and full of restless energy daily. There is a sparkle in my eye and a hop in my step, and I feel full of mischief. In short, if you've seen a young colt out in a field before a storm kicking up his heels and running about, that embodies how I feel when autumn begins.
I'm not sure what it could possibly be in the air that brings about such a change in me, but it is certainly welcome this year. After a full two years of anguish and interior pain, it is high time that I feel better! I have felt as if I were on autopilot, disengaged from life, disconnected from all positive feelings & emotion, and antisocial towards everyone around me. I don't even remember if I had such feelings last year in the autumn, but I think that's when I took my son out hiking.
This year I am considering a zombie run. Yes, you heard me correctly. I haven't brought this up with Master yet, and I haven't discussed the idea with my son yet, but I think we would have a lot of fun if we joined the 1 mile zombie walk this year. I had not heard of it before, but I've yearned to be part of such a thing and this one benefits cancer research so it would be good for not just us, but for society. Imagine! My son and I dressed in full zombie costume and makeup, dragging ourselves with moans and groans and a whole host of other zombies to a finish line! It isn't the point to finish first... it is a point to just walk in costume with others! The benefit to others is icing on the cake!
You see, my son told me that at 13, he is having nothing to do with Trick-or-Treating this year. He's "too old." *eye roll* After my eye roll, I must acquiesce and I think to myself, "Okay, so what do teenagers do for Halloween?" My answer, of course, was that they do nothing but get into trouble and cause trouble. Toilet papering houses is no fun when cleanup is involved.
I think I shall make a list of things I want to do before I die. One of those things is to participate in a zombie walk. !
Let's see what Master thinks of all of this. Hehe.
As for the rest of the energy, well that walk isn't for a month so I shall have to go up and see the changing colors of the autumn leaves and perhaps hike a bit. That will certainly help!
May autumn blessings be upon you!
I'm not sure what it could possibly be in the air that brings about such a change in me, but it is certainly welcome this year. After a full two years of anguish and interior pain, it is high time that I feel better! I have felt as if I were on autopilot, disengaged from life, disconnected from all positive feelings & emotion, and antisocial towards everyone around me. I don't even remember if I had such feelings last year in the autumn, but I think that's when I took my son out hiking.
This year I am considering a zombie run. Yes, you heard me correctly. I haven't brought this up with Master yet, and I haven't discussed the idea with my son yet, but I think we would have a lot of fun if we joined the 1 mile zombie walk this year. I had not heard of it before, but I've yearned to be part of such a thing and this one benefits cancer research so it would be good for not just us, but for society. Imagine! My son and I dressed in full zombie costume and makeup, dragging ourselves with moans and groans and a whole host of other zombies to a finish line! It isn't the point to finish first... it is a point to just walk in costume with others! The benefit to others is icing on the cake!
You see, my son told me that at 13, he is having nothing to do with Trick-or-Treating this year. He's "too old." *eye roll* After my eye roll, I must acquiesce and I think to myself, "Okay, so what do teenagers do for Halloween?" My answer, of course, was that they do nothing but get into trouble and cause trouble. Toilet papering houses is no fun when cleanup is involved.
I think I shall make a list of things I want to do before I die. One of those things is to participate in a zombie walk. !
Let's see what Master thinks of all of this. Hehe.
As for the rest of the energy, well that walk isn't for a month so I shall have to go up and see the changing colors of the autumn leaves and perhaps hike a bit. That will certainly help!
May autumn blessings be upon you!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The blank mind...
There are two ways one can view writer's block: As a blankness that is frustrating... and as a blank mind, a blank slate, ready for the fruition of whatever ideas appear there. A blank mind, to me, is much like a fertile field. It is ready for plowing, ready for seed to be sown, ready for the tiny tendrils of ideas to begin to appear, grow, flourish and bloom. To me, a blank mind may also represent harvest, when ideas seem to have come to their utmost peak of fruition, then reaped and harvested. There should be a blankness after such a thing. It is a time of quiet, of the return to the natural state of things.
A blank mind... so many people get frustrated by this. It is so sad to see the people struggle to say something, feeling as if they must when perhaps it is merely a rest time for them. Or... maybe they need something to put into the fertile ground of their mind... seeds of thought, if you will.
It is like that for me lately, but today I came across a seed that planted itself immediately and started to grow. I shall show you...
http://alicedownarabbithole.blogspot.com/2008/12/longings.html
First of all, Master and I have been so very busy with our lives, too busy to really sit down and visit. When we are not busy, we are exhausted. The toil it takes to get our lives together in the same place has taken its toll upon us. It is hard work. However, it does not affect our love for one another and for this I am grateful beyond words. I have felt as if there was a distance encroaching on our space because of this exhaustion... a distance where there are no words. Perhaps there do not need to be words. Perhaps it is enough to simply desire.
Master, this is for you and you only. I have felt this distance. Just a few days ago you said I was far... and I was. I was over 20 years in the past, looking at schoolmates from long ago on facebook, wondering what they are doing, what do they look like now, do they have families? I don't know what prompted me to do such a thing. I admit without humility that I did gloat sometimes over the ones who were cruel to me, in that a good many of them look as if they've been run over by a herd of buffalo. Highschool was not a good time for me and I do not know, cannot possibly fathom, why I wasted time that day looking through all of those pictures and lives. I DID come to a new understanding, however. I realized just how many of them were religious. I realized just how many of them had always been religious. I realized the dichotomy of my life, that I had to do my time in school, just as any other child... but that I had never fit in because of the lack of religion in my life. I have no desire for religion, this you know. It is a paltry horrible thing, dividing people. So as I looked upon my tormentors of 10 or more years of my life, I realized that they were driven to do as they did because of their beliefs... and that it had nothing to do with me.
I realized something VERY important. My whole life I've been talked down to, looked down upon, by these religious zealots... and I have not taken that personally. Suddenly, I was able to look at those people who had tormented me in highschool... and suddenly the idea began to form... what they did? It wasn't personal. Slowly I began to understand and begin to move past it all.
You know, it will take time. But I will go through my life experiences (like I do) -- shuffling through them all in my head one at a time... and apply the logic of those religious zealots who don't bother me in the slightest. I am learning one of the greatest lessons of all time: How to not take things personally. I have yearned so very much for this! It is a great pivotal point of healing for me!
That said, I return to the previous programming. There is a distance between us, but it is a distance of necessity, not of love. It is a distance of quiet, that is resolved by soft snores and purrs of "I love you" shared back and forth together. There is no loss of love or feeling between us. It is merely time, stress, current situations that is affecting the amount of our communication. The quantity is less, but the quality is there. The love is definitely there.
Master, it wasn't that I doubted your love for me. It is the regular doubt that perhaps I have messed up yet again... followed by a long process of understanding. Perhaps someday I can stop bugging you every few days, needing the reassurance that you want and love me. Oh I will probably always be needy, never you worry about that. But I would like the peace of knowing without a doubt that I am loved and wanted and will not be replaced. But first, I have to master the art of not taking things personally.
You may ask... why did I put that link up there? Well, because as I started to read it, I realized that their situation is similar with distance. Our dynamic will require more touching when we are within the 24/7 person-to-person aspect, but for now, we are okay with what we have as we visit daily for nearly the whole day. Even with work! I always feel your presence within my life and yet I will require the physical presence to fully grow into the slave I am. I am an unfinished piece of art, waiting for your hands and mind to finish forming me. I have the desire for you, yes, and my god I would like to reduce your daily stress. I would like to serve you more personally, taking care of your needs so that they are not so time consuming for you, not so exhausting. Yes, I would like to serve you much more. Why did I put that link up there again? Because when she wrote all of those things and then told him and he told her his cock was in his hand, I remembered the first time I knelt before you dressed as your girl, in full slave mode... and the thick hard cock you showed me when you saw me show my submission and love to you.
Ohhhh how I miss you, Sir. Soon now... very soon!
With all my love, my heart, my body, my mind, my soul... i serve You.
A blank mind... so many people get frustrated by this. It is so sad to see the people struggle to say something, feeling as if they must when perhaps it is merely a rest time for them. Or... maybe they need something to put into the fertile ground of their mind... seeds of thought, if you will.
It is like that for me lately, but today I came across a seed that planted itself immediately and started to grow. I shall show you...
http://alicedownarabbithole.blogspot.com/2008/12/longings.html
First of all, Master and I have been so very busy with our lives, too busy to really sit down and visit. When we are not busy, we are exhausted. The toil it takes to get our lives together in the same place has taken its toll upon us. It is hard work. However, it does not affect our love for one another and for this I am grateful beyond words. I have felt as if there was a distance encroaching on our space because of this exhaustion... a distance where there are no words. Perhaps there do not need to be words. Perhaps it is enough to simply desire.
Master, this is for you and you only. I have felt this distance. Just a few days ago you said I was far... and I was. I was over 20 years in the past, looking at schoolmates from long ago on facebook, wondering what they are doing, what do they look like now, do they have families? I don't know what prompted me to do such a thing. I admit without humility that I did gloat sometimes over the ones who were cruel to me, in that a good many of them look as if they've been run over by a herd of buffalo. Highschool was not a good time for me and I do not know, cannot possibly fathom, why I wasted time that day looking through all of those pictures and lives. I DID come to a new understanding, however. I realized just how many of them were religious. I realized just how many of them had always been religious. I realized the dichotomy of my life, that I had to do my time in school, just as any other child... but that I had never fit in because of the lack of religion in my life. I have no desire for religion, this you know. It is a paltry horrible thing, dividing people. So as I looked upon my tormentors of 10 or more years of my life, I realized that they were driven to do as they did because of their beliefs... and that it had nothing to do with me.
I realized something VERY important. My whole life I've been talked down to, looked down upon, by these religious zealots... and I have not taken that personally. Suddenly, I was able to look at those people who had tormented me in highschool... and suddenly the idea began to form... what they did? It wasn't personal. Slowly I began to understand and begin to move past it all.
You know, it will take time. But I will go through my life experiences (like I do) -- shuffling through them all in my head one at a time... and apply the logic of those religious zealots who don't bother me in the slightest. I am learning one of the greatest lessons of all time: How to not take things personally. I have yearned so very much for this! It is a great pivotal point of healing for me!
That said, I return to the previous programming. There is a distance between us, but it is a distance of necessity, not of love. It is a distance of quiet, that is resolved by soft snores and purrs of "I love you" shared back and forth together. There is no loss of love or feeling between us. It is merely time, stress, current situations that is affecting the amount of our communication. The quantity is less, but the quality is there. The love is definitely there.
Master, it wasn't that I doubted your love for me. It is the regular doubt that perhaps I have messed up yet again... followed by a long process of understanding. Perhaps someday I can stop bugging you every few days, needing the reassurance that you want and love me. Oh I will probably always be needy, never you worry about that. But I would like the peace of knowing without a doubt that I am loved and wanted and will not be replaced. But first, I have to master the art of not taking things personally.
You may ask... why did I put that link up there? Well, because as I started to read it, I realized that their situation is similar with distance. Our dynamic will require more touching when we are within the 24/7 person-to-person aspect, but for now, we are okay with what we have as we visit daily for nearly the whole day. Even with work! I always feel your presence within my life and yet I will require the physical presence to fully grow into the slave I am. I am an unfinished piece of art, waiting for your hands and mind to finish forming me. I have the desire for you, yes, and my god I would like to reduce your daily stress. I would like to serve you more personally, taking care of your needs so that they are not so time consuming for you, not so exhausting. Yes, I would like to serve you much more. Why did I put that link up there again? Because when she wrote all of those things and then told him and he told her his cock was in his hand, I remembered the first time I knelt before you dressed as your girl, in full slave mode... and the thick hard cock you showed me when you saw me show my submission and love to you.
Ohhhh how I miss you, Sir. Soon now... very soon!
With all my love, my heart, my body, my mind, my soul... i serve You.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Time Flies...
The other day, Master commented that I hadn't written in this blog since July 16th. (When I say, "the other day," I mean within the past few days. 5 days. Something like that.) My response to him? I said, "Yeah?" -- I didn't think about it beyond that because I didn't realize until today that it was September already. It felt like only 3 weeks ago was July 16th. Time flies...
September. How did it come to be September already!? It was just May and my son just finished school for the summer! I swear it!
I notice as I get older that time moves far more quickly than it did when I was younger. We all know this "time moving faster" bit to be complete and utter bullshit, but it feels that way. Time goes at the same speed it always does. So what's making it seem different? More importantly, how do we make things slow down again?
I think four things we learn and get better (or worse) at tend to work on our sense of time as we age:
Focus: Adults focus on tasks and life (problem solving on a life scale, like how to fix the air conditioner before the house is 100 degrees inside) better and better as they age. We can focus on what needs doing and not focus on the time it takes. We may groan at the idea of handwashing dishes, but we don't stare at the clock before, during, and after the fact. That's what a teen does. That's what a young adult does. (Once they make themselves DO the dishes, that is... they do the dishes generally after having run completely out of clean ones.) ----------- The positives of focus? Adults can focus on something until it is finished, taking the time, calm and patience to do the job right without having to lose time as they lose focus and have to refocus. The negatives of focus? We tend to lose track of time and lose ourselves in the day-to-day grind of things, not living in the moment and focusing on each moment.
Time management: Adults manage time fairly well. We have the abstract thinking ability to plan ahead much better. As a matter of fact, clinically it has been shown that young adults cannot do this until around age 25. So when your mother said to think about the consequences, she surely didn't understand that you just weren't capable of doing that completely and fully to the best of human capability yet. In other words, as we drive the 20 minutes to work, we are thinking way ahead, "Oh yes, there is road construction at 400 North. Better take the belt route." Suddenly we're at work and we mark that moment in time very briefly, just long enough to get what we need out of the car and go in, then we melt into the workplace needs. ---------- The positives of Time Management? You can virtually plan out your day and not forget your keys to the house or your phone. The negatives of Time Management? Suddenly it's Tuesday and you don't know where the hell the weekend went.
Acceptance: Do you remember being in school? I don't mean college. I mean elementary through highschool. Remember glancing at the clock every 10 to 30 seconds and feeling as if 5 minutes had passed in 10 seconds? That's because you were bored out of your mind. The droning voice of that Math teacher could put you to sleep, which you so desperately need because you were up until 2 a.m. talking to your best friend, Nancy, or gaming the night away with your XBox buddies. You know something great though, don't you. You know for a fact that you only have to get through graduation and then you can do whateeeeeeeeeeeever you waaaaaaaaaaant. The sad truth? There is no way to explain the working life to a teen. Why would we want to? The explanation would take away your hope! Adults start working... and realize they're in for the long haul... about 40 years of it. We don't have the luxury of knowing that after this 3 month trimester we don't ever have to see that stinking Home Economics teacher ever again! She only teaches the 9th grade! Nope. Adults know that they have a lifetime of servitude to any number of things. The boss. Payments on this, that, or the other. Food. Mate. Children. And if they don't stay in line, their parents bother the crap out of them. What's that? You thought that at age 18 your parents will miraculously stop bothering you about crap? Wrong again bucko! I think enough has been said to explain the positives and negatives. LOL!
Memory: As in, forming memories. As a child, you are busy learning everything. You make so many first memories that every moment is etched in your mind. You remember your bike crash, the feel of the wind in your hair as you ride the bike successfully the first time, how to tape a flashlight to the front of a box being pulled in the dark by a bike and how to strap that box to a skateboard. You remember the sound of your friend's delighted and terrified screams as you pull them behind your bike in the dark. As an adult, you might still remember those things, but your memories of riding a bike now, well... if you ride it's probably daily for either exercise (boring and/or strenous) or to get to work (also boring and you hope you don't sweat unless you work outside already). As an adult, you've formed first memories to a good many things so now they're just... passing twinges of memory that don't hold a candle to the original memory. Of course you just had Christmas. Oh wait, that was 30 years ago. You know you've had Christmas every year since then but can you remember anything really memorable about each one? Probably not. Not unless something really cool happened like Uncle John knocking over the Christmas tree after drowning his anxiety about family gatherings with some Wild Turkey or Old Grandad.
Well, that about covers it. Shit what month is it? Phew! Still September! Same year?!?!?! OMG yes! *sigh of relief*
Don't laugh. Had it happen! Haha!
September. How did it come to be September already!? It was just May and my son just finished school for the summer! I swear it!
I notice as I get older that time moves far more quickly than it did when I was younger. We all know this "time moving faster" bit to be complete and utter bullshit, but it feels that way. Time goes at the same speed it always does. So what's making it seem different? More importantly, how do we make things slow down again?
I think four things we learn and get better (or worse) at tend to work on our sense of time as we age:
Focus: Adults focus on tasks and life (problem solving on a life scale, like how to fix the air conditioner before the house is 100 degrees inside) better and better as they age. We can focus on what needs doing and not focus on the time it takes. We may groan at the idea of handwashing dishes, but we don't stare at the clock before, during, and after the fact. That's what a teen does. That's what a young adult does. (Once they make themselves DO the dishes, that is... they do the dishes generally after having run completely out of clean ones.) ----------- The positives of focus? Adults can focus on something until it is finished, taking the time, calm and patience to do the job right without having to lose time as they lose focus and have to refocus. The negatives of focus? We tend to lose track of time and lose ourselves in the day-to-day grind of things, not living in the moment and focusing on each moment.
Time management: Adults manage time fairly well. We have the abstract thinking ability to plan ahead much better. As a matter of fact, clinically it has been shown that young adults cannot do this until around age 25. So when your mother said to think about the consequences, she surely didn't understand that you just weren't capable of doing that completely and fully to the best of human capability yet. In other words, as we drive the 20 minutes to work, we are thinking way ahead, "Oh yes, there is road construction at 400 North. Better take the belt route." Suddenly we're at work and we mark that moment in time very briefly, just long enough to get what we need out of the car and go in, then we melt into the workplace needs. ---------- The positives of Time Management? You can virtually plan out your day and not forget your keys to the house or your phone. The negatives of Time Management? Suddenly it's Tuesday and you don't know where the hell the weekend went.
Acceptance: Do you remember being in school? I don't mean college. I mean elementary through highschool. Remember glancing at the clock every 10 to 30 seconds and feeling as if 5 minutes had passed in 10 seconds? That's because you were bored out of your mind. The droning voice of that Math teacher could put you to sleep, which you so desperately need because you were up until 2 a.m. talking to your best friend, Nancy, or gaming the night away with your XBox buddies. You know something great though, don't you. You know for a fact that you only have to get through graduation and then you can do whateeeeeeeeeeeever you waaaaaaaaaaant. The sad truth? There is no way to explain the working life to a teen. Why would we want to? The explanation would take away your hope! Adults start working... and realize they're in for the long haul... about 40 years of it. We don't have the luxury of knowing that after this 3 month trimester we don't ever have to see that stinking Home Economics teacher ever again! She only teaches the 9th grade! Nope. Adults know that they have a lifetime of servitude to any number of things. The boss. Payments on this, that, or the other. Food. Mate. Children. And if they don't stay in line, their parents bother the crap out of them. What's that? You thought that at age 18 your parents will miraculously stop bothering you about crap? Wrong again bucko! I think enough has been said to explain the positives and negatives. LOL!
Memory: As in, forming memories. As a child, you are busy learning everything. You make so many first memories that every moment is etched in your mind. You remember your bike crash, the feel of the wind in your hair as you ride the bike successfully the first time, how to tape a flashlight to the front of a box being pulled in the dark by a bike and how to strap that box to a skateboard. You remember the sound of your friend's delighted and terrified screams as you pull them behind your bike in the dark. As an adult, you might still remember those things, but your memories of riding a bike now, well... if you ride it's probably daily for either exercise (boring and/or strenous) or to get to work (also boring and you hope you don't sweat unless you work outside already). As an adult, you've formed first memories to a good many things so now they're just... passing twinges of memory that don't hold a candle to the original memory. Of course you just had Christmas. Oh wait, that was 30 years ago. You know you've had Christmas every year since then but can you remember anything really memorable about each one? Probably not. Not unless something really cool happened like Uncle John knocking over the Christmas tree after drowning his anxiety about family gatherings with some Wild Turkey or Old Grandad.
Well, that about covers it. Shit what month is it? Phew! Still September! Same year?!?!?! OMG yes! *sigh of relief*
Don't laugh. Had it happen! Haha!
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