There are two ways one can view writer's block: As a blankness that is frustrating... and as a blank mind, a blank slate, ready for the fruition of whatever ideas appear there. A blank mind, to me, is much like a fertile field. It is ready for plowing, ready for seed to be sown, ready for the tiny tendrils of ideas to begin to appear, grow, flourish and bloom. To me, a blank mind may also represent harvest, when ideas seem to have come to their utmost peak of fruition, then reaped and harvested. There should be a blankness after such a thing. It is a time of quiet, of the return to the natural state of things.
A blank mind... so many people get frustrated by this. It is so sad to see the people struggle to say something, feeling as if they must when perhaps it is merely a rest time for them. Or... maybe they need something to put into the fertile ground of their mind... seeds of thought, if you will.
It is like that for me lately, but today I came across a seed that planted itself immediately and started to grow. I shall show you...
http://alicedownarabbithole.blogspot.com/2008/12/longings.html
First of all, Master and I have been so very busy with our lives, too busy to really sit down and visit. When we are not busy, we are exhausted. The toil it takes to get our lives together in the same place has taken its toll upon us. It is hard work. However, it does not affect our love for one another and for this I am grateful beyond words. I have felt as if there was a distance encroaching on our space because of this exhaustion... a distance where there are no words. Perhaps there do not need to be words. Perhaps it is enough to simply desire.
Master, this is for you and you only. I have felt this distance. Just a few days ago you said I was far... and I was. I was over 20 years in the past, looking at schoolmates from long ago on facebook, wondering what they are doing, what do they look like now, do they have families? I don't know what prompted me to do such a thing. I admit without humility that I did gloat sometimes over the ones who were cruel to me, in that a good many of them look as if they've been run over by a herd of buffalo. Highschool was not a good time for me and I do not know, cannot possibly fathom, why I wasted time that day looking through all of those pictures and lives. I DID come to a new understanding, however. I realized just how many of them were religious. I realized just how many of them had always been religious. I realized the dichotomy of my life, that I had to do my time in school, just as any other child... but that I had never fit in because of the lack of religion in my life. I have no desire for religion, this you know. It is a paltry horrible thing, dividing people. So as I looked upon my tormentors of 10 or more years of my life, I realized that they were driven to do as they did because of their beliefs... and that it had nothing to do with me.
I realized something VERY important. My whole life I've been talked down to, looked down upon, by these religious zealots... and I have not taken that personally. Suddenly, I was able to look at those people who had tormented me in highschool... and suddenly the idea began to form... what they did? It wasn't personal. Slowly I began to understand and begin to move past it all.
You know, it will take time. But I will go through my life experiences (like I do) -- shuffling through them all in my head one at a time... and apply the logic of those religious zealots who don't bother me in the slightest. I am learning one of the greatest lessons of all time: How to not take things personally. I have yearned so very much for this! It is a great pivotal point of healing for me!
That said, I return to the previous programming. There is a distance between us, but it is a distance of necessity, not of love. It is a distance of quiet, that is resolved by soft snores and purrs of "I love you" shared back and forth together. There is no loss of love or feeling between us. It is merely time, stress, current situations that is affecting the amount of our communication. The quantity is less, but the quality is there. The love is definitely there.
Master, it wasn't that I doubted your love for me. It is the regular doubt that perhaps I have messed up yet again... followed by a long process of understanding. Perhaps someday I can stop bugging you every few days, needing the reassurance that you want and love me. Oh I will probably always be needy, never you worry about that. But I would like the peace of knowing without a doubt that I am loved and wanted and will not be replaced. But first, I have to master the art of not taking things personally.
You may ask... why did I put that link up there? Well, because as I started to read it, I realized that their situation is similar with distance. Our dynamic will require more touching when we are within the 24/7 person-to-person aspect, but for now, we are okay with what we have as we visit daily for nearly the whole day. Even with work! I always feel your presence within my life and yet I will require the physical presence to fully grow into the slave I am. I am an unfinished piece of art, waiting for your hands and mind to finish forming me. I have the desire for you, yes, and my god I would like to reduce your daily stress. I would like to serve you more personally, taking care of your needs so that they are not so time consuming for you, not so exhausting. Yes, I would like to serve you much more. Why did I put that link up there again? Because when she wrote all of those things and then told him and he told her his cock was in his hand, I remembered the first time I knelt before you dressed as your girl, in full slave mode... and the thick hard cock you showed me when you saw me show my submission and love to you.
Ohhhh how I miss you, Sir. Soon now... very soon!
With all my love, my heart, my body, my mind, my soul... i serve You.
