I am changing, ever changing. My inner self is a constant dialogue, but my energetic being flows with the energy of the earth; it ebbs and flows with the seasons. I am never more alive than in the autumn. Mabon is now, the 20th through the 22nd of September in this, the northern hemisphere.
A.D. 2012. Hmm. I will never say "in the year of our lord" because I am not a Christian and never will be. A battle still rages within me, but it is not over the existence of deities. There are no gods nor goddesses, and yet I feel that energy of the earth. What IS that? Science has not answered all questions. If all questions were answered, science would cease to exist. There are things we still simply do not know.
So what is this that I feel? Is it real or imagined? What of this ebbing, flowing energy? I cannot see nor show it to anyone, therefore I cannot prove its existence. This, of course, has nothing to do with atheism - that concerns only lack of belief in gods/goddesses. THIS is something else. It is as if I feel the energy of the earth, or of something. ???????? Could I possibly prove what I feel is a real thing? There are many things we know are there but we cannot see them: We can prove there is electricity flowing through wires within our houses, we can prove that the earth rotates and wobbles upon its path around the sun, we can prove that there is oxygen in the air we breathe... even though we cannot see these things with our own eyes. What is this and why do I feel it?
Another question, why do people "feel" things as a group? There are hordes of people out there claiming to feel certain things at the same time as others in a particular group. This is not a physical thing! If a building full of people burns and fire touches everyone within, they would all feel the burning and pain. But we can see that; we have proof that they all felt the same thing at the same time. What I mean is, why do people claim to all feel the same thing that cannot be seen? People claim to feel energy from prayer rise to a god, but we know prayer does not work and we know there is no god. Would these claims be a form of collective idiocy or insanity? Is it a desire to have something, a desire so overpowering that a group of people will sacrifice their common sense and join in a group belief; not REALLY feeling anything at all, just imagining it or lying flat out? Or does collective group feelings without visual proof of something truly exist?
My mind stops for a moment in the reverie of questions and wondering. My mind returns to being present. A funny thought inserts here, grounding me briefly in the here and now: As I have these conversations with myself in my brain, I am doing daily things; driving, working, cooking, doing laundry, etc. While most of the time my mind converses happily with itself, considering very strange things, always I return to the present to "check in" and see what is happening in the here and now. After checking everything in the here and now with a nearly pure focus, I slip back into the conversation. Sometimes the conversation shifts... fluid like a river. I am fluid and ever-changing, after all.
Aren't we all?
Perhaps everyone is not fluid and ever-changing! It cannot be that I am alone, statistically that would be impossible, egotistical, and ridiculous. Do other people ever wonder such things? Do other people wonder just how many other people are out there thinking about this same stuff? It would be interesting to have knowledge of the percentage of the whole population thoughts on any subject at any time. This current thing about which I am thinking: How many people think of this subject that currently inhabits my mind? How many people think they are fluid and ever-changing, or how many think they are stable in a fixed position? There is no possible normality here. Wait. Normal? That word cannot apply here!
"Normal" cannot realistically represent any facet of humanity, not even a range of averages. Range fluctuates depending on any given situation. For example: if you measure height of people in a country with sub-standard food, the average range consists of shorter, smaller people. Give the people better food and the average range shifts upwards to taller people. A potential normality: It is normal that snowy owls are more white than any other color; it would be abnormal for a snowy owl to be reddish brown. There is no reason to assume that "normal" applies within the mental range of humanity either. Humans change situations with simple thought. Our powerful, thinking minds shift the variance of an average range easily. Example: A theist believes himself to be fluid and ever-changing in thought. The theist becomes an atheist and many things change in that person's situation that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Would that person who may have considered themselves to be fluid and ever-changing before now consider their time spent in the belief of god to be stable and fixed, perhaps stagnant? Or would they still feel that the time spent believing in god was with a fluid, ever-changing mind and that they still have such a fluid ever-changing mind? Would they feel that they had become stable and fixed as an atheist? It is a personal feeling and there is no normality that can be applied to personal feeling. In this way, psychology has tried to label and "affix" everything into a stable, fixed position for the sake of "normality."
During this time of writing, I have processed a bill, processed a payment, given the wrong key to someone, chased after them and given them another set of keys that have the proper key and come back in laughing. Those things are in the here and now. My mind did shift to be grounded while I did those things, it had to. But as soon as I am relieved of here and now, my mind begins to contemplate. Is this imagination? No. It is pure inner contemplation.
But you know? When I want silence in my mind, it is there immediately (unless I am stressed.) Rarely do I have to fight for silence. Most of the time, silence is instant if I desire it, then I am grounded in the here and now, hearing all that happens around me, feeling the air & temperature on my skin, all five senses activated completely. I do not have to scream at my own mind for silence.
Do you?
