Personal Strengths

Having a lifetime of documenting and focusing on personal weaknesses, it is with great pleasure and a deep sense of honor toward my Master and myself that I can now bring you a list of personal strengths. Please understand that I am humble, I am not yelling to the world that I am perfect, nor that I am better than anyone else. It is simply that I am finally able to acknowledge that I have strengths as well and I can own them now rather than beat myself up for lack of humility. Recognizing personal strengths is NOT a lack of humility.

For as long as I have been alive, when there is a situation that is dire, I have had the ability to focus, to remain calm, cool and collected. I'm talking deep water calm like a deep cold lake with a shiny unmarred surface. I am the mountain that does not move in the harshest wind nor storm. I can thank my mother for giving me lots of practice for this. I tell you now that this is the ONLY strength that I have ever acknowledged having, and it is because my first husband mentioned it in surprised awe when he truly thought I would kill him. (Funny how people underestimate me, and yes, I prefer it that way, that way when I surprise them with my abilities, I have the upper hand in every situation while they recover from the shock. It buys time.)

Today I am able to list and acknowledge other personal strengths. Not strengths others have pointed out to me, as when others point something out, none of them know me well enough to be able to say anything beyond professional skill level.

Before I go into my personal strengths, I think you should see the list.

The List
Strengths of Wisdom and Knowledge: Cognitive strengths that entail the acquisition and use of knowledge

• 1. Creativity [originality, ingenuity]: Thinking of novel and productive ways to conceptualize and do things.
• 2. Curiosity [interest, novelty-seeking, openness to experience]: Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; exploring and discovering.
• 3. Open-mindedness [judgment, critical thinking]: Thinking things through and examining them from all sides; weighing all evidence fairly.
• 4. Love of learning: Mastering new skills, topics, and bodies of knowledge, whether on one's own or formally.
• 5. Perspective [wisdom]: Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to oneself and to other people.

Strengths of Courage: Emotional strengths that involve the exercise of will to accomplish goals in the face of opposition, external and internal

• 6. Bravery [valor]: Not shrinking from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; acting on convictions even if unpopular.
• 7. Persistence [perseverance, industriousness]: Finishing what one starts; persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacles.
• 8. Integrity [authenticity, honesty]: Presenting oneself in a genuine way; taking responsibility for one's feeling and actions.
• 9. Vitality [zest, enthusiasm, vigor, energy]: Approaching life with excitement and energy; feeling alive and activated.

Strengths of Humanity: interpersonal strengths that involve tending and befriending others

• 10. Love: Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated.
• 11. Kindness [generosity, nurturance, care, compassion, altruistic love, "niceness"]: Doing favors and good deeds for others.
• 12. Social intelligence [emotional intelligence, personal intelligence]: Being aware of the motives and feelings of other people and oneself.

Strengths of Justice: civic strengths that underlie healthy community life

• 13. Citizenship [social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork]: Working well as a member of a group or team; being loyal to the group.
• 14. Fairness: Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting personal feelings bias decisions about others.
• 15. Leadership: Encouraging a group of which one is a member to get things done and at the same maintain time good relations within the group.

Strengths of Temperance: strengths that protect against excess

• 16. Forgiveness and mercy: Forgiving those who have done wrong; accepting the shortcomings of others; giving people a second chance; not being vengeful.
• 17. Humility / Modesty: Letting one's accomplishments speak for themselves; not regarding oneself as more special than one is.
• 18. Prudence: Being careful about one's choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.
• 19. Self-regulation [self-control]: Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one's appetites and emotions.

Strengths of Transcendence: strengths that forge connections to the larger universe and provide meaning

• 20. Appreciation of beauty and excellence [awe, wonder, elevation]: Appreciating beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in various domains of life.
• 21. Gratitude: Being aware of and thankful of the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks.
• 22. Hope [optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation]: Expecting the best in the future and working to achieve it.
• 23. Humor [playfulness]: Liking to laugh and tease; bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side.
• 24. Spirituality [religiousness, faith, purpose]: Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of the universe. 

That was the list. Phew. A lot to live up to to recount my own strengths instead of focusing on my weaknesses. Here goes:

I am creative, curious, open-minded and tend to keep perspective. Depression can shift my perspective but I am aware of it. I don't really love to learn new things as I spend a lot of energy trying to survive as it is (thanks depression) and I cannot seem to focus long on learning something new so unless I'm on my own (wherein I do well) then any group or instructor tends to get frustrated with me.

I can say that my courage has shifted with the depression as well. Bravery I have in great abundance, persistence I had more than I thought possible. Integrity shifts with my energy level. If I say I'll do something then I do my level best to follow through but if a depression hits me, then I'm reduced to survival and no more. I do not remember having very much vitality since my childhood, when everything was a wonder.

I have to laugh about the humanity part. I have love for those close to me, and a devil-may-care attitude about everyone else, but I would still give a complete stranger the shirt off my back because I'm a kind person. I have plenty of social intelligence, which is colored tremendously by my jadedness. Backstabbing had a really good party, me as its prime target and as a result I don't really like to let people close to me. I used to be a really good friend, I'd say that I have chosen to keep people at a distance because I don't need the crap that comes with other people. (Trust issues huh. Ha!)

While I never lost my sense of fairness, I am JUST getting back in touch with the other two Justice strengths. As I've kept people distant, so have I also not involved myself in community. Fortunately, I have a coworker who gently (and sometimes not so gently) prods me into forms of community service. My citizenship is growing again, as well as my leadership. In fact, if I ask for it, I will have a leadership role that will greatly strengthen my parched citizenship skills.

Ahhh Temperance. I duly lack almost every strength on this list. Forgiveness and mercy? Forget it. Humility and modesty? Actually I have a great deal of both when it comes to myself and I have used those both as a reason to beat myself internally so they need strengthening in the right way now. Prudence, it seems to depend on the situation. I don't smoke or do drugs. I don't go out partying. However, I will stay up too late reading a book or playing on the computer knowing all the while that I have to get up at 6 the next morning. Self-regulation. In every way except diet and exercise, I have self-regulation in leaps and bounds. As I said, I don't smoke or do drugs. I rarely drink and then only one with weeks and months inbetween.

Transcendence has got the whole deal covered, hands down. Appreciation of beauty and excellence along with my sense of humor have been the constants in my life. Despite depression. Despite everything. Those things rule me, they connect me back to the earth. I'm not a spiritual person in terms of a higher power, never will be. I do believe in staying in the here and now, being grateful for what I have personally and for what we have as a family, and keeping hope in spite of the darkness that inevitably falls, no matter how long it covers me until the light returns. The light ALWAYS returns. As a matter of fact, the humor and appreciation give me light when everything is darkest.

I am fortunate. I have wonderful strengths. Perhaps if Master wishes for me to expound on any of this later on as specific journal topics, then I can explain WHY I think I have those strengths. But that is another day.

Thank You, Sir, for being my light in what is sometimes a very dark and shadowy existence.

I love you.

These Complacent Complaisant Days.

Delving into a word "lazy" gave me the adjective for easy-going. While indeed lately life has seemed carefree, it has not been without worry and my quiet inside personal response to each worry:
*  "Ma'am, your air conditioner pump sounds like it's going out." (Already??? I just had a new one put in last year?!?!?)
*   Upon finally managing to get to Moab after deviating from the path with a week of child illnesses, my brother and his wife sally forth yesterday, only to have to return home today because two of the children are apparently still tossing their cookies. (I hope I don't catch that, whatever it is!)
*   The Rodeo is this weekend, will you be making an appearance? Uhhh dunno but probably. (Shit! What do you mean it's the end of May already!)

By the way, the title does have meaning and I'll explain that now: 

complacent  means 'pleased or satisfied with how things are, with how they affect one's self,' 'self-satisfied, smug'; complaisant  means 'attempting or eager to please or satisfy,' 'obliging, affable'
Complacent thus refers to a state of mind and complaisant to a disposition to behave or conduct oneself in a way that pleases or satisfies others.

Wonderful slave words, aren't they? *wink*

Onward.

These days have been satisfying and laid back. Why? Hell if I know. I've accomplished a bit during this time and I am starting to realize that I have begun to see value in the time I take to rest. I also get a lot done. For example, I got to plant my rosebush on Monday as well as a few other little lovelies. I read at least 4 books over the weekend. I still got most of the laundry done. I don't have a crazy drive to play online games like I used to - rather go out and garden or maybe walk the dogs, or more likely get things done in the house.

A point of positivity in my eyes: While it caused some minor consternation with both my son and my Master, I purchased my own Mother's Day present, rather than languish in the double-cross of pain that my own mother is gone. My son doesn't have opportunity nor ability to get anything. Master doesn't have that either; we focus everything we've got on getting him here. I'm fine with that. Actually I'm rather pleased with myself for getting myself a present. I don't do that often. I'll concede to books because they are inexpensive, but this was special. A rotisserie grill. I cannot wait to put the roast on tonight. The chicken was mouthwatering!

Easy going days... they have been. You know, I believe it's resulting from an attitude shift in my head. It's a great shift too! Just a few days ago I was reading and shifted, a breast got caught under me and it hurt. As usual, I wrenched my poor breast out from under myself viciously BUT THEN... I pet & cuddled my breast like it was a poor little wounded animal and praised it for being a beautiful breast. I praised them both then, both breasts. (Yeah I know! What the hell! This was unusual when I usually think self-deprecating, self-loathing thoughts!) AND THEN... I actually looked down the length of my resting body and praised my body for being a good body, a perfect body. I said to myself with complete certainty that I have a good and perfect body, that there is nothing wrong with my body and I love my body. (Usually I'm pretty awful to myself in my thoughts. I am well aware that I am overweight, covered-with-self-inflicted-sores, & completely uninterested in exercise.) My eyes have nothing wrong with them and I have a good brain, yet my own experiences blind me to the truth more often than not.

So what gives?? Why the change? I don't know.

An attitude shift toward my self-perception of my body, myself. A GOOD shift. It's what I've always wanted! I wish for it to last forever, that I should speak lovingly to myself and of myself forever, no matter what. I know there will still be battles because of the interior experience of negativity. But I am so proud of me for looking at myself with full love and acceptance and seeing myself with Master's eyes for a change.

I only know that as a result of this change, this shift in the perception of the self, that I have managed to retrieve a part of myself and salvage the preciousness that is me. I am tired, yet victorious. I am valiant and I will prevail. Master will be here and I will be worthy of Him. I am worthy now. He will mold me as He sees fit. He will help me to see my real self because I am His and He cares deeply for me.

My Master is precious.

(and I'm learning that I am precious as well)

Ancient Egyptian Woman's Slave Contract

“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.” – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

Breaking it down:

I am your servant. Sir, this girl has no problem with this for now and forever. You are a wonderful Master and I trust Your decisions and Your handling of me. I love to serve You. I live to serve, but only You.

I shall not be free. It will be interesting to see how I fare with this one, though I know it is for the best and my full trust is in You, Sir. My individuality and personality were borne on my freedom to be myself. However, there are terrible habits within me... self-destructive habits, and in my lifetime of freedom before You, I have let self-destruction rule me. I look forward to You taking my freedom and molding me to Your will. 

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. In the time that I spent in Your presence, I believe I came to fully understand what this meant, yet still I learn more each day. Every day, even 2200 miles apart, I understand more and more what this means. You will keep me safe from other people's attacks in every form. There will be no physical attack on me. There will be no verbal attack on me. I am not even to speak ill of myself. (More on that in the demons section)

You will keep me sound. I can only take this to mean that You will keep me at peace. There will be no battling of wills, not within me, not with You, not within my family nor tiny circle of friends. You will mold my physical body so that it is safe, sound and healthy as well. You will ensure that my mind, my worst enemy, acquiesces to Your will, then this girl will finally know peace of soul.

You will protect me from every demon. Hmm. I like the sound of this. I'd like to see how You will protect me from every demon - most of those live in my head - but I bet You have a plan.

Of course, we must discuss what demons might be in my head.
Demons: 

Anxiety, leading to all sorts of different self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps it is the behavior You shall address rather than the demon itself as it may be a unbalance of brain chemical demon, leading me to a new path in my brain on how to react to the demon.

The Past, that hauntingly familiar entity that eats at every decision anyone makes, until I unconsciously question every move I do or see in order to ensure I do not screw up again or get screwed. Interior interrogation of my own mind sucks!

Onward.

Sir, You tell me that it is so easy to love me and it must be true but this girl cannot fathom such a thing. I simply cannot see it. The Past, Anxiety; those play a horrific role in my ability to fairly judge my own value. So I put my trust in You. You will lead me and You will take care of me. I will take care of You too. I love you.