What are a few of my favorite things?

Not in any particular order. Flow-of-thought...

The smell and taste of coldness in morning autumn air.

The burst of speed that presses me back into my seat when I push the gas pedal slightly if driving a V-8.
The mean, graceful, divine look of a shiny, black Camaro.

Egyptian Arabians...

The way that my son's smile and his laughter makes a sunrise pale to insignificance.

Watching the clouds move and change.

Silence.

Flowers. Masses and masses of flowers and plants growing in my yard.

Seeing my husband's smile light up his whole face and how his eyes dance and sparkle when he's happy.

Feeling His hands upon me, His weight upon me, His cock within me, His mouth upon mine, His will claiming me totally.

Watching Wildlife.

The first snow, how a field of a million brilliant diamonds could not possibly compare.
A thesaurus! And a dictionary!
Dr. Lillian Glass' blog on how to read body language and facial expressions.
The feel of the sun beating down on my skin in August, followed by a hasty retreat into the shade before I burn!
My imagination.

The feel of the forest, alive around me when I sit silently in the tall ranks of pine trees.

Sunrise & Sunset.

Soaking in a hot spring by myself with no one around.
Making people happy.
Sudoku.

Herbalism & herbal medicine, learning Latin plant names & their uses.

Museums when there are few other people about. Better yet, NO other people about!
Solitude and yet, togetherness with the chosen ones: my tiny family of husband and son.
Playing MMORPG's by myself or with my chosen ones.

Incense scents: Nag Champa & Carmen Miranda's Hat.

Stretching like a cat and the lovely relief of popping joints. Ahhhhh yes!
When my hair is soft and flows beautifully just as it is nearly dry but not quite dry enough to be fly-away.

The smell of sagebrush in the rain.

 

My hands in the dirt creating, though I rarely like the feel of dirt on my hands. Odd, that.

The sight of fresh blood, but not the smell, feel or taste. Such a stark bright color!

Words, though usually my own and less someone else's. (Go figure.)
Being well & happy and making sure my family is as well.

Why should women feel empowered?

Yeah yeah I know. Weird topic. It caught my attention and I'm going to spin it a certain way.

To put it simply, women should feel empowered because they have been given across-the-board rights that they previously did not have. In short, women can vote, they can drive, they can take jobs, pick their husband... all at will, or they may choose not to do so. Women can CHOOSE. That is why they should feel empowered. 

Women can choose to be slaves. However, we have the good sense to understand that it is entirely different for a women to choose her Master rather than having him chosen for her (rather than to have him chosen for her by her family, as it used to be). She may have a contract with said Master, that defines the rules within both must abide (as opposed to no rules except those set FOR her BY her Master - who was generally the husband at the time, and who had no rules that HE must abide by in reference to treatment of her). In short, if a woman married, she was property whether she liked it or not, and her husband operated as her Lord and Master, who could do with her anyway he pleased. If he beat her to death, that was how things went. Too bad, so sad. 

I remember reading a story about women fighting for the right to vote. Those women were jailed, beaten, raped, told they should know their place, ostracized in their community. The men tried any way they could think of to "put the women back in their place."  Thankfully, it didn't work. It was a first step toward women being treated - as a whole - as having equal rights to the menfolk. 

Maybe I should say SOME rights are a choice. 

I can hardly see it as an economic feasibility for women to stay at home these days. For all practical purposes, women must also work outside the home now in order to support the ridiculous house payments with which we are now saddled in this day and age. We almost HAVE to take jobs now, unless we're born with a silver spoon in our mouths.


Today's woman can marry, or not; it is her choice. Most women do, but increasingly we see large numbers of women who choose not to marry. Again, in this country at least, the economics almost force one to be married. I hesitate to state that women choose homosexuality, as this is something one is born with, not really a choice at all. In this day and age homosexuality is far more an issue than it was even a century ago. In fact, it seems we, as a country, have taken a massive step backwards in progress toward embracing our sexuality. 

I can't imagine being told that I am no longer allowed to drive. I love a good V-8 and won't do with anything less these days. It's handy to be able to cruise at the speed limit and then blast around a semi truck going 20 mph in a 65 zone uphill without so much as a yawn. 

Let's move on, shall we?

Empowered. It's a strange word, isn't it? Dictionary.com gives us the following definitions for the word Empower:

1. to give power or authority to; authorize, especially by legal or official means: I empowered my agent to make the deal for me. The local ordinance empowers the board of health to close unsanitary restaurants.

2.  to enable or permit: Wealth empowered him to live a comfortable life.

 

Empowered. Some days I wonder if anyone in this United States feels empowered anymore. From the outside, it seems to require wealth if one is to live anywhere above the current popular living standard of "paycheck-to-paycheck." We go to work, we get paid, we pay bills, we have little to nothing left both in money and personal energy. Yet for the bulk of us, there WAS another way open once. We COULD have gotten those good grades, gone military or to college, waited to marry and have children until we were far more financially stable in our lives. We really aren't empowering ourselves with the choices we make, are we?

 

Feeling empowered is about having choices though. It is about making the choice to get in the situation wherein one has such bills that one can barely make ends meet. It is about making the choice to vote for new government representation every four years. It is about making the choice to buy that V-8 with the ridiculously high payments or the teeny little box car that gets 56 miles to the gallon and the lowest payments possible. It's about choosing to marry the one you love, not someone your family chose when you were age four. 

 

In some ways, we are still ahead of the game in the US. (e.g. Marriage isn't arranged except in cults where it is still illegal, everyone 18+ gets to vote, nobody is forced to kneel and face any particular direction at a certain time every single day of their lives or get stoned to death). 

In some ways, we are very far behind and falling further every day. (e.g. Europe views sexuality far more openly than the predominant, backassward, tyrannical, Christian majority of the US - who keep trying to foist their religious rules onto the rest of us instead of just living by their rules and leaving the rest of us the fuck alone.) (Rant concluded)

 

It is my belief that feeling empowered has to do with having choices.

Empowered. Do I feel empowered? Most days, yes. My slavery is no issue. Master works very well with my head and where the distance does not interfere with us, my needs are met. I cannot say that I would have chosen this lifestyle except for His handling of me being the best and most comfortable way I've felt. Thank you, Sir.

Writer's Block and Topics

I've discovered that not having topics is an issue for me if I want to write.

Unfortunately, most topics I come across require me to be 24/7. Rats. I don't have enough experience in my type of play to be able to answer the topic questions, or to discuss them. I have no opinion. *sigh* The only thing I can do is read down the topic list and repeatedly say, "Does not apply" and move on to the next topic.

I perused topics today; every single one of them I'd consider with experience - finding that it didn't fit our lifestyle - or that I lacked experience totally. I even tried to see if I could form a topic from some of them that MIGHT fit. No dice.
I came across this same issue over and over again.
      Then I saw it.
             THEE topic.

"What began as a fantasy that you later took into action? "

It's not QUITE what I had in mind and as I went further down I encountered another question.

"Did you know entering your relationship that it would be a Master/slave relationship, or has it evolved from a different dynamic over time?"

 The minute I read that second one, a conversation began in my mind. It went something like this:

My whole life, I've been the Alpha. There was not a single bone in my body that I considered to be "submissive" and yet I found that I not only am I submissive, but what I've been actually doing is searching my whole life for the one man out there who would be my Master. I found Him.

I like being spanked. I cannot remember when that came to be an interest to me. I like having my hair caught in a grip at my nape, having my neck bitten, being marked all over by the One to whom I belong.

I like seeing bondage and imagining myself in those positions results in a combination of feelings: Excitement & Peace.

The idea of being claimed has always appealed to me. Perhaps it was the years of being cast aside for others, but I think the need and desire to be claimed was always there.  

Oddly enough, when I got with this man, our relationship had nothing to do with M/s-D/s at all. He wasn't searching for a mate any more than I was, so what developed was a complete and quite wonderful surprise for us both. It actually took me seeing a comment to him from a previous submissive of his on the game we frequented together for me to ask questions. I'll never like her, as she was before me... but I owe her for opening my eyes to this world and daring to ask questions I'd never asked before.

Hm. I'll never like her. Interesting thought, this. Master questions why, as this was an old relationship that wasn't even much of a relationship. I cannot honestly explain. It is a gut feeling. An old feeling. Probably one that stems from multiple replacement wives slowly pushing me aside. *shrug*

Anyway. I think I'll make a tentative topic list and - hopefully - this will drive me to regular writing. Maybe not daily. Haha. I can't imagine writing daily. But once a week, that I can probably do. *winks*

I take these from http://www.submissiveguide.com/journalprompts/ and thank you so much lunaKM!

• Are you called a ’slut’ or some other endearment which traditionally carries a negative connotation?
• Do you like sensory deprivation of any kind?
•  Describe what a beautiful view is to you.
• What do you do to define your work mindset from your submissive one?
• What is your favorite form of service? (Can a person REALLY write a journal entry about cock worship? LOL!)
• Is a slave held to a higher standard of compliance than a submissive?
• Have you ever signed a D/s contract? If so, share what points it had in it, the responsibilities of both partners and how you felt when you signed it.
• Whenever possible, choose joy.
• How do you define failure? How does your owner define failure?
• Have you felt illness or other factors (depression, stress, PMS, etc) interfere with your ability to serve as well as you want? How do you handle those times?
• Tell a story about some of your favorite marks. (I LOL'd!)
• “Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments.
  I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous.” -Anaïs Nin
• What line in a song do you often ‘hear’ in your head?
• What seven words would you use to describe yourself?
• Is love a part of your dynamic? Can love coexist in a Master/slave relationship?
• What is your most favorite part of your Owner’s body? Do you pay it special attention? How would you feel about having to worship that body part as a part of your service?

OK That's enough for now, I think. Holy crap there's a lot on that site! Wish me luck!

Actual writing or bitchfest? Plus... the fixits

Actual Writing? Or Bitchfest?
From the beginning I knew I'd have a problem with journal writing. (See previous entry re Mom reading my diary when I was in highschool resulting in writer's block). Not real sure if I'm supposed to write in this daily or not. Funny thing is, I only seem to have the desire to write when I'm under a tremendous amount of stress and I use this to straighten out the mess my head. In other words, it seems that my writing consists of a bitchfest. Yes. A festival of bitching. Not really productive, rather negative, and rare on the positive aspects of life.

Problem is, when I'm in a good mood, there are other things I'd rather be doing than writing, and generally you'll find me doing those things instead. (The message in this is, "Master, I need you to tell me flat out that I must write in here x number of times a week...")

Anyway, back to the negativity. I seem to use writing as my outlet for figuring out problem and/or grouching about things - generally things over which I have no control. This can get me into trouble if read by the wrong people (or so I learned from my mother), not to mention the fact that I then feel more negative after writing, which I try to avoid like the plague. I'm going to have to discuss this with my Master and figure out what to do with this. I think I need to know his expectations on all this. Maybe I need topics? O.o  

Onward.
The Fixits:
Recently I've been told that women tend to let the past rule the way they think now instead of letting things go. This comment got an arched brow from me because I had figured I'd let the past go. As a matter of fact, with the way things are, the only time I get grouchy is when some fixit comes up on the house(s) that SHOULD have been dealt with previously by previous heads-of-household(s). {Now here's where writing becomes constructive, by the way, so just stick with me while I ruminate my way through this mess.}

Basic fixit scenario to date: Something breaks. I KNOW that something could have, should have, been dealt with by the ex whether or not it was something I'd brought it up while we were together. I say "whether or not" because it's highly possible that it was something I didn't know about at the time and NOW that it breaks, I'm aware of it. You gotta remember, I've been an apartment gal my whole life. This is my first time owning a house so I'm fairly clueless on what sort of maintenance is to be done and when, let alone what sorts of things break, what to look for and how to fix them. I call someone - that's my cure. (I suppose I could go get a book at the library but who has time for that when there are repairmen and where the hell would I start and would I really understand it?)

Back to the exes and the fixits that shoulda/coulda been done. IF I'd brought up some fixit previously to the (now) ex-husband while we were married, chances are that it's been dealt with by now because I had no choice (except for the damn roof replacement on the other house and a couple of other little things like the stucco cracking and the roof gutters.) So I have a problem, I call some fixit guy and the problem gets fixed. No problemo. Except I'm discovering an issue when said fixit guy knows me well enough to ask questions and especially if the fixit guy knows my exes. Then there's a discussion regarding the when's and why's of the thing that broke. So fixit guy asks me the story and I tell him. Now, previously... the fixit guy commiserated with me on all this stupid shit. Except this time. This time, it was something he didn't do when he winterized.

What happened over the weekend: the water leak outside has two parts: A) the fucking spigot is placed so that it aims at the crawlspace so in the effort of making things easier my ex installed an el and 6-8" pipe with another spigot - which works fine, by the way. B) The fixit man is the one who did the winterization and he didn't shut the water off at the house spigot, but only at the spigot at the end of the 6-8" pipe.

In the case of part A, I don't know if the placement of the crawl space entrance was engineered by the house owner or the guys who put the house on the cement blocks. It COULD have been placed 8-12 inches over to the right without any issue - there are no underground utilities in the way - but it wasn't and it cannot be helped. Should Master decide to put in a basement with a stairway entrance from the outside it can be moved elsewhere. Regarding the placement of the crawlspace and water shooting down into it and under my house, well I was growling about something that was done in past, yes, and in complete idiocy, yes, but it didn't involve my ex. It doesn't mean I'm living in the past.

In the case of part B, I shouldn't have to go behind the fixit guy to make sure he does the job right. Hell if I gotta do that, what the hell else am I supposed to check when he comes and fixes things??? However, when I texted him about it and told him I needed to show him where to shut off the water, his response was snippy and he didn't want to take responsibility at all.

• First he texted that it was so important for me to get in my two-cents (tell him what I think of the situation) but never important enough to get back to him and did I realize he has a life too? 
• Then he texted that it was supposed to be a frost-free spigot and that someone had changed out the spigot. (Wait, what? Isn't that blaming someone else?) 

At this point I called him and asked what the problem was so we could discuss it.

• He explained that he was at a meeting when I'd texted and he couldn't get back to me right then, that my text had interrupted his phone from recording the meeting too. (There's no possible way I could have known any of that and I understand he wasn't blaming me, but irritated at not getting his meeting recorded, coulda happened to anybody.) 
• I explained that it IS a frost free spigot against the house, that the one turned off was the one at the end of the el, my ex actually always told me that he removed the el and the pipe for the winter but it's a pain in the ass so I just shut it off at the house spigot, which has worked fine. The fixit fellow said that I needed to quit living in the past and blaming the exes for things because they'd been gone for a while and it was my responsibility to get those things fixed now. (Where was I blaming an ex? And, well, duh, WTF do you think I've been doing? Bitching about it and letting things remain broken??) 
• Then he said that I shouldn't blame myself either, (uhm, wasn't... and where did that come from?) that things do break in houses and you fix them. 
• Then he said that he was the only guy who doesn't overcharge me (true, not to mention he's honest. dependable, and does fine work.) 
• and it would be nice if I'd get back to him on things so he'd know what to do (as in, return his calls in a timely fashion rather than a week later or not at all - yes, my bad, though I did explain that when I get home, the phone goes off and I don't look at it until I set it up for the alarm on weekdays). 
• Finally he told me that living in the past was a problem women seemed to have, that rather than move on with their lives they blame their exes for stuff when it's long past the point to just let go and take care of things themselves. (I must admit that at this point my head was spinning because I couldn't figure out why he said this. He seemed to be talking in circles but he's a heavy beer drinker on a daily basis, this was early evening and I bet it was beer doing the talking - having been raised by two alcoholics, I can work around that without a grudge). 
• The last thing we discussed is that he's going blind with a couple of sudden-onset cataracts, and it's bugging him a lot, he doesn't want to admit to anyone that he cannot see and he can't get in to surgery until March. (He's a "Manly Man" and I understand that this is a personal masculinity/NO weakness issue and I can work around that too.)

OK I'm of the complete understanding that he's miffed because I don't return his calls when I probably should. I've actually known for a while that he's irritated about that. Yes, I'm a bit flaky about returning calls. He and I discussed this; I agreed to follow through when he calls so he knows what to do. *shrugs* That's easy, and I should be doing this that way. It's the right thing to do. (And I have the inkling that had I been doing that all along, we would not have had this discussion on his irritation at all)

This being two days later things seem fine when I talk with him now. My thoughts are the following: I'm not going to quit calling him to come fix things because he's dependable, does fine work, and is honest and doesn't overcharge me. (and I know of no one else upon whom I may depend for those things at this point). I will refrain from discussion of any sort regarding anyone else or the repair itself from now on. Of course, this is all subject to discussion with Master, and I'm worried about his feelings on all of this when he gets to this point. O_O

Now I return to my original post. Was this a bitchfest or was it actual writing.

Who knows.

Feeling a bit lost today.

This may be a wandering post: Trying to focus my thoughts on some central theme today seems impossible. My mind is just going too many different directions.

BDSM: It is difficult to be in this lifestyle. It's socially unacceptable in the prudish USA. I don't personally know anyone who lives in it. I keep friends I meet online at a distance because my relationship is "technically" online, and those in the lifestyle consider online relationships to be artificial. Nothing could be further from the truth for us.

LDR: It is difficult to be so far away from one another. I don't talk about it and can't tell any others in the lifestyle because they're so opinionated against LDR, saying what LDR isn't real. I'd get tired of arguing and feel isolated and pissed off. I'll just stick with being isolated and leave the pissed off out of it. Then there's the physical distance between us and, let's face it folks, skype does help but it doesn't even come close to the real deal. Two weeks with this man told me that heaven and hell were in my future and there is only heaven when I get to go see him in person.

I guess mostly I'm feeling isolated and I'm a bit pissed at myself for feeling sorry for myself about it. It's not a new thing. It's not entirely unwanted either. Isolation is familiar; it's something I grew up living - I wandered around the playground alone while other kids played together and that never really changed. I am uninterested in social functions, social groups, or socializing in general... even with friends, of whom I have practically none through my own choices. I have acquaintances, coworkers who are no closer than acquaintances, and a few friends who were close but with our extreme beliefs and life differences I've chosen to keep distance between us. 

I have no one to blame for my choices to distance myself but, me...

Talking to Master about it makes me feel like I'm a broken record, repeatedly whining about something over which I only have a semblance of control, and only the part where there is distance between myself and others. Talking to anyone else doesn't seem like a sensible idea. Wanna hear the really funny/sad part? The questions I have and the worries I have seem either trivial or allow people too damn close to me so they could hurt me with the information.

OK here are some things.

If I tell anyone I PERSONALLY know about the Master/slave aspect of my life, they would start that old feminazi BS that goes something along the lines of, "OMG that is wrong, twisted, fucked up, unacceptable (fill in the blank) and you can't do that!" which is generally followed by all sorts of epithets regarding men being sexist pigs and codependent women needing to realize they are naturally superior, independent and that they do not need men in any way. This being a very small town, if I told acquaintances or friends in town, the gossip would spread faster than the flu and in small towns you can lose a job through gossip. I'd practically get crucified and be a social pariah.

If I talk to anyone I know through the M/s D/s networks, they find out I'm online and not in real time then we have the gossip again, followed by lynching by internet trolls, then being labelled a social pariah in the only places where my lifestyle IS acceptable.

It's not that I am bothered by being alone. If I choose it, that is. Being a social pariah is no biggie, if I'm the one who makes it so. As soon as someone removes my choice to decide whether or not to participate in friendship or anything larger, THAT is where I have an issue.

Finally.

Master wanted me to write in a journal daily. I bet he gets tired of hearing all the "horrible" shit I endured at the hands of my psychopathic mother, my asshole brother, other folks in my life... and the excuses that seem to endlessly pop out of my mouth regarding my hangups. One of those hangups is writing any sort of journal or diary. Mom read my diary when I was a senior in highschool and I got in trouble for things I'd done a year ago, for having emotions at all, for putting them in the privacy of my diary instead of keeping them locked in my head (or rather having the thoughts at all). I have trouble writing down what I'm thinking or feeling. When I write, you get a huge entry that sorta spirals in but never really touches the heart of the matter.

Case in point. If someone discovered my M/s lifestyle... how long before the gossip somehow reached my ex-husband who would try to take our son just to get back at me (because he damn sure WOULD if he COULD and I know it.)  There's a worry.

How long before my Master can be here? It's felt like a hell of forevers to me and I try to get through every day by focusing on the moment and not thinking of the past or the future and for some reason if I have friends they tend to talk about other people and social lives and gossip and when I hear gossip I think about the past and the future. Will my Master ever be allowed to be here? When... because this is an agony. It's killing me.

Finances, taxes, houses, cars, maintenance, people, life, job, blah blah blah. All the regular things that people worry about, or think about, or deal with. I have that too... but in a very odd way I am not alone while being alone.

Remember... I got a lot on my mind. Having trouble staying centered on it all. It's not like this is an ezine article for some Joe-schmo to come read and learn from. It's not being written for anyone at all, really.

I wonder what you'd get, Master, if I did manage to write every day.

What a mess.