From the beginning I knew I'd have a problem with journal writing. (See previous entry re Mom reading my diary when I was in highschool resulting in writer's block). Not real sure if I'm supposed to write in this daily or not. Funny thing is, I only seem to have the desire to write when I'm under a tremendous amount of stress and I use this to straighten out the mess my head. In other words, it seems that my writing consists of a bitchfest. Yes. A festival of bitching. Not really productive, rather negative, and rare on the positive aspects of life.
Problem is, when I'm in a good mood, there are other things I'd rather be doing than writing, and generally you'll find me doing those things instead. (The message in this is, "Master, I need you to tell me flat out that I must write in here x number of times a week...")
Anyway, back to the negativity. I seem to use writing as my outlet for figuring out problem and/or grouching about things - generally things over which I have no control. This can get me into trouble if read by the wrong people (or so I learned from my mother), not to mention the fact that I then feel more negative after writing, which I try to avoid like the plague. I'm going to have to discuss this with my Master and figure out what to do with this. I think I need to know his expectations on all this. Maybe I need topics? O.o
Onward.
The Fixits:
Recently I've been told that women tend to let the past rule the way they think now instead of letting things go. This comment got an arched brow from me because I had figured I'd let the past go. As a matter of fact, with the way things are, the only time I get grouchy is when some fixit comes up on the house(s) that SHOULD have been dealt with previously by previous heads-of-household(s). {Now here's where writing becomes constructive, by the way, so just stick with me while I ruminate my way through this mess.}
Basic fixit scenario to date: Something breaks. I KNOW that something could have, should have, been dealt with by the ex whether or not it was something I'd brought it up while we were together. I say "whether or not" because it's highly possible that it was something I didn't know about at the time and NOW that it breaks, I'm aware of it. You gotta remember, I've been an apartment gal my whole life. This is my first time owning a house so I'm fairly clueless on what sort of maintenance is to be done and when, let alone what sorts of things break, what to look for and how to fix them. I call someone - that's my cure. (I suppose I could go get a book at the library but who has time for that when there are repairmen and where the hell would I start and would I really understand it?)
Back to the exes and the fixits that shoulda/coulda been done. IF I'd brought up some fixit previously to the (now) ex-husband while we were married, chances are that it's been dealt with by now because I had no choice (except for the damn roof replacement on the other house and a couple of other little things like the stucco cracking and the roof gutters.) So I have a problem, I call some fixit guy and the problem gets fixed. No problemo. Except I'm discovering an issue when said fixit guy knows me well enough to ask questions and especially if the fixit guy knows my exes. Then there's a discussion regarding the when's and why's of the thing that broke. So fixit guy asks me the story and I tell him. Now, previously... the fixit guy commiserated with me on all this stupid shit. Except this time. This time, it was something he didn't do when he winterized.
What happened over the weekend: the water leak outside has two parts: A) the fucking spigot is placed so that it aims at the crawlspace so in the effort of making things easier my ex installed an el and 6-8" pipe with another spigot - which works fine, by the way. B) The fixit man is the one who did the winterization and he didn't shut the water off at the house spigot, but only at the spigot at the end of the 6-8" pipe.
In the case of part A, I don't know if the placement of the crawl space entrance was engineered by the house owner or the guys who put the house on the cement blocks. It COULD have been placed 8-12 inches over to the right without any issue - there are no underground utilities in the way - but it wasn't and it cannot be helped. Should Master decide to put in a basement with a stairway entrance from the outside it can be moved elsewhere. Regarding the placement of the crawlspace and water shooting down into it and under my house, well I was growling about something that was done in past, yes, and in complete idiocy, yes, but it didn't involve my ex. It doesn't mean I'm living in the past.
In the case of part B, I shouldn't have to go behind the fixit guy to make sure he does the job right. Hell if I gotta do that, what the hell else am I supposed to check when he comes and fixes things??? However, when I texted him about it and told him I needed to show him where to shut off the water, his response was snippy and he didn't want to take responsibility at all.
- First he texted that it was so important for me to get in my two-cents (tell him what I think of the situation) but never important enough to get back to him and did I realize he has a life too?
- Then he texted that it was supposed to be a frost-free spigot and that someone had changed out the spigot. (Wait, what? Isn't that blaming someone else?)
- He explained that he was at a meeting when I'd texted and he couldn't get back to me right then, that my text had interrupted his phone from recording the meeting too. (There's no possible way I could have known any of that and I understand he wasn't blaming me, but irritated at not getting his meeting recorded, coulda happened to anybody.)
- I explained that it IS a frost free spigot against the house, that the one turned off was the one at the end of the el, my ex actually always told me that he removed the el and the pipe for the winter but it's a pain in the ass so I just shut it off at the house spigot, which has worked fine. The fixit fellow said that I needed to quit living in the past and blaming the exes for things because they'd been gone for a while and it was my responsibility to get those things fixed now. (Where was I blaming an ex? And, well, duh, WTF do you think I've been doing? Bitching about it and letting things remain broken??)
- Then he said that I shouldn't blame myself either, (uhm, wasn't... and where did that come from?) that things do break in houses and you fix them.
- Then he said that he was the only guy who doesn't overcharge me (true, not to mention he's honest. dependable, and does fine work.)
- and it would be nice if I'd get back to him on things so he'd know what to do (as in, return his calls in a timely fashion rather than a week later or not at all - yes, my bad, though I did explain that when I get home, the phone goes off and I don't look at it until I set it up for the alarm on weekdays).
- Finally he told me that living in the past was a problem women seemed to have, that rather than move on with their lives they blame their exes for stuff when it's long past the point to just let go and take care of things themselves. (I must admit that at this point my head was spinning because I couldn't figure out why he said this. He seemed to be talking in circles but he's a heavy beer drinker on a daily basis, this was early evening and I bet it was beer doing the talking - having been raised by two alcoholics, I can work around that without a grudge).
- The last thing we discussed is that he's going blind with a couple of sudden-onset cataracts, and it's bugging him a lot, he doesn't want to admit to anyone that he cannot see and he can't get in to surgery until March. (He's a "Manly Man" and I understand that this is a personal masculinity/NO weakness issue and I can work around that too.)
This being two days later things seem fine when I talk with him now. My thoughts are the following: I'm not going to quit calling him to come fix things because he's dependable, does fine work, and is honest and doesn't overcharge me. (and I know of no one else upon whom I may depend for those things at this point). I will refrain from discussion of any sort regarding anyone else or the repair itself from now on. Of course, this is all subject to discussion with Master, and I'm worried about his feelings on all of this when he gets to this point. O_O
Now I return to my original post. Was this a bitchfest or was it actual writing.
Who knows.
