I had an appointment this morning with my son's counselor for educational planning. I was there half an hour early, having been stressed enough to forget the actual time of the meeting, and having not looked at the reminder paper before leaving for the appointment. In the parking lot, a young woman was tearfully waiting, her cell phone to her ear. I couldn't read her look, but then she is a teen and it is difficult to read them sometimes with the gamut of emotion that they have daily. As I walked into the building, a vehicle pulled up and the young lady got in. Once in the office, her mother finally appeared, explaining the medical reason for her daughter being pulled out of school.
I realize during the discussion how scary it must be for that parent, when her child has such medical problems. The girl then walked in to be with her mother. I mentioned to the girl to look up a particular herb that should help her. After the girl left, one of the office secretaries and I ended up in a discussion about herbology & herbal treatments for the condition, as the secretary herself seems to be suffering from the same problem. A brief amusement ensued as we laughed about 4 year planning when each of us live day-by-day and sometimes minute-to-minute. It depends on the stress level...
Being half an hour early had an advantage for a giver such as myself. Long interest in herbology and the study and application of medicinal herbs gave me incentive. I took the extra time remaining to zip on down to the local organic market and picked up some of this herb for her in loose form in a jar with teabags to steep, a tincture, and a pill form. She wanted to pay me and I refused, stating that the payment would be finding out if it worked for her. I really am supposed to let folks pay me for things like this, but she didn't ask me to get those things and truly it will be worth it to find out if those things do the trick for her. (Yeah yeah I know. I'll do without something of my own now...)
The appointment began and though a lot of talking about nonsense ensued, it was certainly different in that during last year's appointment, my son sat with folded arms in silence with one word replies. This time he was animated and happy and the difference for both the counselor and I was such a relief!
After the appointment, an acquaintance was seated in the office. I asked if his appointment for planning was next. He said he was pulling his child out of school to go to the doctor in a larger town, a specialist. A bit more information and I discovered his fear is that his child has skin cancer. I wished him luck and left, passing a man who also came to pull his child out of school for a moment just to give a daily diabetic shot.
I walked out of that building. It occurred to me that my problems are small. Very small. I may have my moments, living from minute-to-minute, and this month has been no small test so far, with many more tests in sight. At least I can see what I am facing. The poor man who is taking his child to the specialist in another town has no idea what he's facing. It could be life threatening, financially impossible, or very very simple. At that moment, as I looked at the gorgeous rich blue of the sky, the golden leaves of the Catalpa trees, the cool deep forest green of a spruce, and smelled the clean air... at that moment I realized I have it easy! I really do! Life hasn't handed me a whole bunch of terrible shit! Life has given me a fairly easy path to walk! Really. We aren't ill. We don't have life threatening diseases, or diseases of such expense that we cannot afford to keep our house. We don't have bill collectors breathing down our necks because of unpaid bills. Hell, I got this shit handled! I'm on TOP of this shit! We're good! We got our health and we got each other!
Yeah yeah. I know. A little while later and I'm very glad for my Xanax as I think about my vision problem, the doctor appointment where they'll probably still tell me 'No,' the cost of boarding my dogs and what the hell to do with the birds in a cat infested house of relatives I am to stay with who are very religious and whom I haven't seen for years, my dog that pees in the house that is also an absolute cuddlebug who is devoted to me, and the fact that my husband is still not in this country and my son wants to go into the military in the biggest fighting force in the world that the rest of the world uses as fodder in every battle they wish to get into over corporations and greed.
Hmph. I sound like Gloom & Doom again. It's all fear, you know. Fear of the unknown.
The fear of the unknown motivates us all. We get up every day with the fear that if we don't go to work and make money, we will not be able to pay our bills, and then we don't really know what will happen. Bankruptcy? Losing it all and living on the street? Large unknowns really make people move a lot. We squirm, we complain, we get moving and do it all anyway. What would we be doing with ourselves if we didn't have this financial structure set up to work within? Would we all be thinkers? Dreamers? Traders? Would there be Camaro's and Lamborghini's and 4.2 billion dollar Hollywood mansions? Would there be a Pussy Riot or Disturbed or even Lady Gaga? Would there be war? How about religion?
Meh. It's all meh. Death and taxes are the only absolutes. For once, I would like to just accept that and move on, not fight tooth and nail against everything I abhor. It may be my nature to fight, but I'm so tired of fighting I just want to LIVE now.
One day at a time.
