The old path...
It is no secret that my mother was a tyrant. We "walked on eggshells" around her. This simply means we were VERY careful in what we said and did in order to not upset her. An upset mother meant one thing, anger. Her anger burnt hot and vengeful. She had no problems taking her rage out on us, but Dad & I were her alternating favorites for venting. When Dad would get pissed and leave, I couldn't because I was a kid so I took the brunt of it when he was gone. I learned early on to keep my mouth shut. We weren't allowed emotions and I was full of them.
These days...
What I learned was a passive aggressive response of watching and biding my time. When someone fucks up, I kick them to the curb. Now, I'm here to tell you... this doesn't work in marriages. It ends marriages right damn fast. I SURE won't work in a Master/slave relationship and perhaps this is one of the draws of slavery for me. It means that no matter what stupid shit I might want, it will not be allowed... or will it.
What happens if I say something stupid and hurtful to my Master? I have had this false idea that Masters own a slave forever, like a kajira. A kajira is property to be punished at His will. Well, I've had that false idea shattered. So many Masters abandoning slaves after what has been presented as a minor digression of a slave or else the Master has moved on to someone else after weeks/months of lying to his slave. I'm terrified.
I suppose I should expound on what I mean by "saying something stupid and hurtful." Well here. In my last marriage, it was shattered by my fury as I proclaimed that he was a coward (truth) for not defending me from other male's advances or against his own mother's hateful sarcasm. During the marriage I had alluded to those things, but I don't think he ever really understood just how much those things bothered me. In my female mind, mentioning it alone should have been enough. Men don't work that way. They miss subtleties. Men require direct language (without hostility) and direct action (without force or hurtfulness) in order to get a point across. I get that now.
Except I'm not male. In my heart of hearts, I love this man, my Master, like no other. Still I am filled with the fear of my own screwups, that I will do something or say something to break the ties that bind us. It would be a moment of sheer stupidity. It would be a moment of pure fear, or pure rage, the terror of what is happening around me breaking me so that I choose the wrong thing out of the need for relief (trying to break up with him on a cell phone) or such rage that I am willing to break and burn it all (fury at Ron for his cowardice over the years, unanswered by my questions of why didn't he stand by me, why didn't he say something... hearing all those, "I don't knows" echoing in my head with no further words beyond the pain of betrayal in my heart and soul.)
I love this man. I pray that his Masterly skills will outdo any of my female idiocy. I pray that his Masterly strength and his love for me will remain strong, pure and unbroken by my eventual fear and hostility in any given situation. I am lesser, you see. I am not as strong. I am full of emotion and fear. He is my pillar of strength, but I cannot fully release all of my fear. All around me I see those male pillars of strength walking away for another woman, leaving the current female to agony and dust. I cannot take another betrayal. Neither can I live with fear in my heart.
Just the other day, I read that it is wrong to not trust in a relationship, that is akin to a sin and evil. That it is purely choice to not trust and to not forgive. That it is purely choice to hold onto trust issues from the past when in a new relationship. Well fuck me. I guess I'm a sinful evil bitch then, because I truly cannot figure out how to trust with all these ghosts in my head.
Do you not find it odd that we are supposed to learn from our past, but we are not supposed to be ruled by it? How can one learn, learning the feeling of betrayal, and then learn to not worry when a new situation presents itself with the same potential end? Of course we worry! That is what makes us human! I am told that I should not worry. Well I'm sorry, but I do. I'm told I should not feel fear. Well, I'm sorry, but the past and the lessons learned were learned well and with a lot of pain and I cannot seem to move back into the zone of full trust. How CAN one move into a zone of full trust after having learned lessons of betrayal? It is like moving backwards. It is like asking one to have white cloth after adding red dye. Only bleach can scour the cloth white, and even then it eats at the fabric, the strength of the fabric is forever compromised.
Trust is broken, not rebuildable into the same thing, much like a broken cup. You can glue it together, but it is not the same. I fail to see why this should only apply to one relationship, but not all of them. Do we not learn?? Are our reactions any less plausible for our learning because it is a new relationship?
So I sit here, closer to the day my Master will be here. I feel anxious. Terribly anxious. I SO look forward to his coming. I worry that we will fall into a regular pattern and things will be lost. I cannot, oh I cannot have that happen. It is like him telling me, "Don't stop touching me." Well I cannot lose the precious closeness between us. I cannot be relegated to a secondary thing, else I question everything and then I begin to hide myself.
I worry about making these posts. These posts show into my mind, show my fears and my worries. Many times, Master addresses them immediately. I ask you, Master, please not today. I am fragile today. I believe I will refill my Xanax. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure and it is from so many things happening at once.
Yet what happens if I cannot tell him face-to-face how I feel. I cannot let it build like I did before. Oh I did, but I didn't. I told them all, but they did not listen. It had to be the way I was telling them. HAD TO BE. It cannot be that four males in a row refused to hear me, refused to take me seriously. It just can't be... people aren't that harmful. It HAS to be something I'm doing.
WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?! How do I not do it now?????
OK that's enough circles. I have to stop today. It is clear that I am fractured in all of my thinking today.
I love you, Maître. Please be gentle with me today. I am already on the verge of tears.
