It is odd how things go. It's strange how quickly things can change. I have never been good at letting things go that hurt me in the past, nor have I been good at forgiving and forgetting. I am not bitchy to these people who hurt me unless they pull attitude with me, but I keep in the forefront of my mind what they did and whether or not they are trustworthy.
Trustworthy... well I have to say I have met very few who are 100% trustworthy. I don't even trust myself that much! There are different levels of trust, and different areas of trust. For example, my pedophile uncle is excellent at fixing cars, dishwashers, air conditioners, electric lines... would I trust him to fix those things? Yes. Would I trust him with a girl child? Oh hell no. My first ex-husband is a wonderful humanitarian out doing things in the world for the poor. Would I trust him with my friendship? Oh hell no. My second husband is a hard worker with an absolutely hilarious sense of humor. Would I trust him enough to relax my vigiliance regarding his time with our son? Oh hell no. And so it goes.
I can live side-by-side with these people and keep up my guard forever. Not a problem, did it my whole life. In this way, forgiving and forgetting would be a hindrance as I would then relax my guard and trust where I should not.
So what to do when a person finally acknowledges they did something stupid and hurt me?
In a few moments, 30 minutes to be exact, a conversation was held today regarding something stupid a person did that hurt me. I've been tentative friends with her for a while now, but haven't trusted her with my full friendship. I will probably still be very careful around her, but the apology sure helped. First, she acknowledged that she had been each of three different types of people in my life: one who helped during my difficult times, one who walked away when I needed help during difficult times, and one who put me into difficult times. She apologized for being a dumbass. At that moment, I realized that she isn't the type of person who would deliberately hurt another and that she probably had some things going on in her own life at those times and she could not handle any more. At the very end, she apologized for hurting me. I thanked her. This is the first we've spoken of this issue.
Part of me feels as if the world got a little brighter and more beautiful. Part of me is quiet and not sure what to think. Part of me has its guard up, the watchful one, always watching and guarding me, like a big tigress.
I've been waiting for this, unwilling to bring it up, knowing that with people you must wait for them to be ready and there is no forcing them into anything at all. If you try to force, then anything you get will not be genuine. If you wait, they will open up like a little flower and if you shine your light upon them instead of giving them a bloody sword, then they will open up the rest of the way.
Most of the time, the way of the sword is too easy. I never took the easy road a day in my life. I don't intend to start now.
What to do with this apology of hers... processing....
