5 Things I Always Wanted To Do But Kept Putting Off.

List 5 things you have always wanted to accomplish but it never seems to be the right time/place. Which of the items you listed do you think you will get to do?

1. Have a real garden.
2. Skydive & hang-glide.
3. Get my pilot's license.
4. Rock climbing.
5. Visit other countries.

Gardening. I don't know why I haven't accomplished having a garden yet. I actually bought some plants this year and they still sit in my garage, dying. We live in a rabbit infested area and the best way to have a garden is to dig down a few feet, lay a couple layers of tight chicken wire, backfill with really nice garden compost & soil, make sure the chicken wire comes up out of the ground to form a tight fence rabbits & deer can't get into, and have a little gate. It could be covered when it gets too hot and insulated with straw bales when it gets too cold. Ideally it would have an irrigation system with a timer in place so that if I forgot, everything wouldn't die. ---- so with two acres why hasn't it gotten done? Because of the work, the time, the energy involved. I swore I'd do it and when I think about it, when I was married before, I knew he would help, but he would take shortcuts. (Think, no chicken wire underneath, probably no fence, no digging out and backfilling - just some compost mixed in.) I'm the one who laid the newest sections of dripline so that was completely out with him. Now I feel like I don't have long terms of energy nor focus to do this. Depression is a bitch and it's running my life right now. Grrr! I'll get there! I WILL have a garden!

Skydiving, well landing on that ankle with these knees is definitely a bad idea. Hang gliding, same thing. "Nope, ain't happening" is the answer here.

Pilot's license - hahahahahaaaaaa *sound dies into silence* Realistically, this is so expensive that with my limited income I am better off just not worrying about it. I've never made quite enough money to go after this and by now, hell I just don't know if I care anymore. I'm terrified to ride a motorcycle at this point, I'll have to really delve into my feelings to see if it's still a real desire. I'd say that this is probably not going to happen anytime soon, if ever.

Rock climbing rates right up there with "What the hell was I thinking?" because while I wouldn't technically land on where my ankle goes all wrong, I'm thinking that reality states my body is old enough that it would take A LOT to get strong enough to do this. I'm overweight but that can come off. I never had the upper body strength to do this. I would REALLY have to work hard to get it and I'm not sure it's all that important. Mainly because it's not all that interesting anymore (I've moved past the "OMG I gotta do that!" phase) and besides, Master is going to mold my body into the shape most pleasing to him. From what I've seen of those rock climber girls, they're all athletic muscle and that's not what Master really wants from me. Meh. I think this is a "no go" because I don't think it is very realistic.

Visit other countries. Ok I admit I've been to Tijuana, Mexico, and Montreal, Quebec in Canada. Those visits were awesome (though my preference certainly runs to Montreal because the company I kept is the most awesome and fantastic personal guide ever and no you can't have him, he's mine.) But I'd like to see Costa Rica. I'd like to see the way the jutting rock landscape in China. If there wasn't a bunch of war going on, I'd say that Egypt would be neat. France? Definitely. Africa? Mmmmm meh. I dunno about that. Again, war-torn, not to mention hot. Scotland? Yeah. Ireland? Yeah. Iceland? Yeah before it is underwater.

There are some places here in my own country I'd like to see: New Orleans, New York, Four-Corners and some Indian ruins in Colorado. I'd like to see Glen Canyon Dam before there's no water left in the lake. It would be nice to see the north side of the Grand Canyon. And MAYBE Sturgis someday. MAYBE. The motorcycle thing seems to have gotten out of my system. I'm sure I can't think of other places that should be on this list.

There are certainly some places I'd like to revisit: the entire coast of California on Highway 1, Big Sur area, Redwood Forest, San Francisco, San Diego; Arizona's saguaro forests and one more International Arabian Horse Show in Scottsdale (just to break my heart again); The Big Texan restaurant in Amarillo, Texas; the granite faces of the Presidents carved in rock in the Dakotas followed by a trip to the Canada to see if the Canadians have finally gotten with the program to carve the Presidential asses on their side; the Grand Canyon. Indiana's fall landscape is breathtaking. Virginia's haunted feel with elegant yet abandoned antebellum houses with their big white columns reminding us of the slave era, as well as unkempt graveyards that suddenly loom up from the kudzu vine as if the vine itself is loathe to grow there. Tennessee and Arkansas are oddities themselves, going from interstate floating in lakes full of trees growing up out of the water all the way up into the Smokey Mountain range with pecan trees growing wild. (And then there are the road signs that totally crack me up and the 100 foot tall crosses lit up at night that remind us all of the real insanity thriving like a heartbeat to remind us of the pervasive & overpowering Christianity in the region.)

Oh my goodness. I wrote a book. I guess I'll be gardening when Master gets here and get rid of the weeds, fix the lawn, redo the rock garden (and basic landscape) and then I can count on us going to other countries. As a matter of fact, I think it would be best if we left this one permanently because if he gets back out, it may take forever to get him back in!!!!!

I love You, Sir.

Personal Strengths

Having a lifetime of documenting and focusing on personal weaknesses, it is with great pleasure and a deep sense of honor toward my Master and myself that I can now bring you a list of personal strengths. Please understand that I am humble, I am not yelling to the world that I am perfect, nor that I am better than anyone else. It is simply that I am finally able to acknowledge that I have strengths as well and I can own them now rather than beat myself up for lack of humility. Recognizing personal strengths is NOT a lack of humility.

For as long as I have been alive, when there is a situation that is dire, I have had the ability to focus, to remain calm, cool and collected. I'm talking deep water calm like a deep cold lake with a shiny unmarred surface. I am the mountain that does not move in the harshest wind nor storm. I can thank my mother for giving me lots of practice for this. I tell you now that this is the ONLY strength that I have ever acknowledged having, and it is because my first husband mentioned it in surprised awe when he truly thought I would kill him. (Funny how people underestimate me, and yes, I prefer it that way, that way when I surprise them with my abilities, I have the upper hand in every situation while they recover from the shock. It buys time.)

Today I am able to list and acknowledge other personal strengths. Not strengths others have pointed out to me, as when others point something out, none of them know me well enough to be able to say anything beyond professional skill level.

Before I go into my personal strengths, I think you should see the list.

The List
Strengths of Wisdom and Knowledge: Cognitive strengths that entail the acquisition and use of knowledge

• 1. Creativity [originality, ingenuity]: Thinking of novel and productive ways to conceptualize and do things.
• 2. Curiosity [interest, novelty-seeking, openness to experience]: Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; exploring and discovering.
• 3. Open-mindedness [judgment, critical thinking]: Thinking things through and examining them from all sides; weighing all evidence fairly.
• 4. Love of learning: Mastering new skills, topics, and bodies of knowledge, whether on one's own or formally.
• 5. Perspective [wisdom]: Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to oneself and to other people.

Strengths of Courage: Emotional strengths that involve the exercise of will to accomplish goals in the face of opposition, external and internal

• 6. Bravery [valor]: Not shrinking from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; acting on convictions even if unpopular.
• 7. Persistence [perseverance, industriousness]: Finishing what one starts; persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacles.
• 8. Integrity [authenticity, honesty]: Presenting oneself in a genuine way; taking responsibility for one's feeling and actions.
• 9. Vitality [zest, enthusiasm, vigor, energy]: Approaching life with excitement and energy; feeling alive and activated.

Strengths of Humanity: interpersonal strengths that involve tending and befriending others

• 10. Love: Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated.
• 11. Kindness [generosity, nurturance, care, compassion, altruistic love, "niceness"]: Doing favors and good deeds for others.
• 12. Social intelligence [emotional intelligence, personal intelligence]: Being aware of the motives and feelings of other people and oneself.

Strengths of Justice: civic strengths that underlie healthy community life

• 13. Citizenship [social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork]: Working well as a member of a group or team; being loyal to the group.
• 14. Fairness: Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting personal feelings bias decisions about others.
• 15. Leadership: Encouraging a group of which one is a member to get things done and at the same maintain time good relations within the group.

Strengths of Temperance: strengths that protect against excess

• 16. Forgiveness and mercy: Forgiving those who have done wrong; accepting the shortcomings of others; giving people a second chance; not being vengeful.
• 17. Humility / Modesty: Letting one's accomplishments speak for themselves; not regarding oneself as more special than one is.
• 18. Prudence: Being careful about one's choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.
• 19. Self-regulation [self-control]: Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one's appetites and emotions.

Strengths of Transcendence: strengths that forge connections to the larger universe and provide meaning

• 20. Appreciation of beauty and excellence [awe, wonder, elevation]: Appreciating beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in various domains of life.
• 21. Gratitude: Being aware of and thankful of the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks.
• 22. Hope [optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation]: Expecting the best in the future and working to achieve it.
• 23. Humor [playfulness]: Liking to laugh and tease; bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side.
• 24. Spirituality [religiousness, faith, purpose]: Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of the universe. 

That was the list. Phew. A lot to live up to to recount my own strengths instead of focusing on my weaknesses. Here goes:

I am creative, curious, open-minded and tend to keep perspective. Depression can shift my perspective but I am aware of it. I don't really love to learn new things as I spend a lot of energy trying to survive as it is (thanks depression) and I cannot seem to focus long on learning something new so unless I'm on my own (wherein I do well) then any group or instructor tends to get frustrated with me.

I can say that my courage has shifted with the depression as well. Bravery I have in great abundance, persistence I had more than I thought possible. Integrity shifts with my energy level. If I say I'll do something then I do my level best to follow through but if a depression hits me, then I'm reduced to survival and no more. I do not remember having very much vitality since my childhood, when everything was a wonder.

I have to laugh about the humanity part. I have love for those close to me, and a devil-may-care attitude about everyone else, but I would still give a complete stranger the shirt off my back because I'm a kind person. I have plenty of social intelligence, which is colored tremendously by my jadedness. Backstabbing had a really good party, me as its prime target and as a result I don't really like to let people close to me. I used to be a really good friend, I'd say that I have chosen to keep people at a distance because I don't need the crap that comes with other people. (Trust issues huh. Ha!)

While I never lost my sense of fairness, I am JUST getting back in touch with the other two Justice strengths. As I've kept people distant, so have I also not involved myself in community. Fortunately, I have a coworker who gently (and sometimes not so gently) prods me into forms of community service. My citizenship is growing again, as well as my leadership. In fact, if I ask for it, I will have a leadership role that will greatly strengthen my parched citizenship skills.

Ahhh Temperance. I duly lack almost every strength on this list. Forgiveness and mercy? Forget it. Humility and modesty? Actually I have a great deal of both when it comes to myself and I have used those both as a reason to beat myself internally so they need strengthening in the right way now. Prudence, it seems to depend on the situation. I don't smoke or do drugs. I don't go out partying. However, I will stay up too late reading a book or playing on the computer knowing all the while that I have to get up at 6 the next morning. Self-regulation. In every way except diet and exercise, I have self-regulation in leaps and bounds. As I said, I don't smoke or do drugs. I rarely drink and then only one with weeks and months inbetween.

Transcendence has got the whole deal covered, hands down. Appreciation of beauty and excellence along with my sense of humor have been the constants in my life. Despite depression. Despite everything. Those things rule me, they connect me back to the earth. I'm not a spiritual person in terms of a higher power, never will be. I do believe in staying in the here and now, being grateful for what I have personally and for what we have as a family, and keeping hope in spite of the darkness that inevitably falls, no matter how long it covers me until the light returns. The light ALWAYS returns. As a matter of fact, the humor and appreciation give me light when everything is darkest.

I am fortunate. I have wonderful strengths. Perhaps if Master wishes for me to expound on any of this later on as specific journal topics, then I can explain WHY I think I have those strengths. But that is another day.

Thank You, Sir, for being my light in what is sometimes a very dark and shadowy existence.

I love you.

These Complacent Complaisant Days.

Delving into a word "lazy" gave me the adjective for easy-going. While indeed lately life has seemed carefree, it has not been without worry and my quiet inside personal response to each worry:
*  "Ma'am, your air conditioner pump sounds like it's going out." (Already??? I just had a new one put in last year?!?!?)
*   Upon finally managing to get to Moab after deviating from the path with a week of child illnesses, my brother and his wife sally forth yesterday, only to have to return home today because two of the children are apparently still tossing their cookies. (I hope I don't catch that, whatever it is!)
*   The Rodeo is this weekend, will you be making an appearance? Uhhh dunno but probably. (Shit! What do you mean it's the end of May already!)

By the way, the title does have meaning and I'll explain that now: 

complacent  means 'pleased or satisfied with how things are, with how they affect one's self,' 'self-satisfied, smug'; complaisant  means 'attempting or eager to please or satisfy,' 'obliging, affable'
Complacent thus refers to a state of mind and complaisant to a disposition to behave or conduct oneself in a way that pleases or satisfies others.

Wonderful slave words, aren't they? *wink*

Onward.

These days have been satisfying and laid back. Why? Hell if I know. I've accomplished a bit during this time and I am starting to realize that I have begun to see value in the time I take to rest. I also get a lot done. For example, I got to plant my rosebush on Monday as well as a few other little lovelies. I read at least 4 books over the weekend. I still got most of the laundry done. I don't have a crazy drive to play online games like I used to - rather go out and garden or maybe walk the dogs, or more likely get things done in the house.

A point of positivity in my eyes: While it caused some minor consternation with both my son and my Master, I purchased my own Mother's Day present, rather than languish in the double-cross of pain that my own mother is gone. My son doesn't have opportunity nor ability to get anything. Master doesn't have that either; we focus everything we've got on getting him here. I'm fine with that. Actually I'm rather pleased with myself for getting myself a present. I don't do that often. I'll concede to books because they are inexpensive, but this was special. A rotisserie grill. I cannot wait to put the roast on tonight. The chicken was mouthwatering!

Easy going days... they have been. You know, I believe it's resulting from an attitude shift in my head. It's a great shift too! Just a few days ago I was reading and shifted, a breast got caught under me and it hurt. As usual, I wrenched my poor breast out from under myself viciously BUT THEN... I pet & cuddled my breast like it was a poor little wounded animal and praised it for being a beautiful breast. I praised them both then, both breasts. (Yeah I know! What the hell! This was unusual when I usually think self-deprecating, self-loathing thoughts!) AND THEN... I actually looked down the length of my resting body and praised my body for being a good body, a perfect body. I said to myself with complete certainty that I have a good and perfect body, that there is nothing wrong with my body and I love my body. (Usually I'm pretty awful to myself in my thoughts. I am well aware that I am overweight, covered-with-self-inflicted-sores, & completely uninterested in exercise.) My eyes have nothing wrong with them and I have a good brain, yet my own experiences blind me to the truth more often than not.

So what gives?? Why the change? I don't know.

An attitude shift toward my self-perception of my body, myself. A GOOD shift. It's what I've always wanted! I wish for it to last forever, that I should speak lovingly to myself and of myself forever, no matter what. I know there will still be battles because of the interior experience of negativity. But I am so proud of me for looking at myself with full love and acceptance and seeing myself with Master's eyes for a change.

I only know that as a result of this change, this shift in the perception of the self, that I have managed to retrieve a part of myself and salvage the preciousness that is me. I am tired, yet victorious. I am valiant and I will prevail. Master will be here and I will be worthy of Him. I am worthy now. He will mold me as He sees fit. He will help me to see my real self because I am His and He cares deeply for me.

My Master is precious.

(and I'm learning that I am precious as well)

Ancient Egyptian Woman's Slave Contract

“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.” – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

Breaking it down:

I am your servant. Sir, this girl has no problem with this for now and forever. You are a wonderful Master and I trust Your decisions and Your handling of me. I love to serve You. I live to serve, but only You.

I shall not be free. It will be interesting to see how I fare with this one, though I know it is for the best and my full trust is in You, Sir. My individuality and personality were borne on my freedom to be myself. However, there are terrible habits within me... self-destructive habits, and in my lifetime of freedom before You, I have let self-destruction rule me. I look forward to You taking my freedom and molding me to Your will. 

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. In the time that I spent in Your presence, I believe I came to fully understand what this meant, yet still I learn more each day. Every day, even 2200 miles apart, I understand more and more what this means. You will keep me safe from other people's attacks in every form. There will be no physical attack on me. There will be no verbal attack on me. I am not even to speak ill of myself. (More on that in the demons section)

You will keep me sound. I can only take this to mean that You will keep me at peace. There will be no battling of wills, not within me, not with You, not within my family nor tiny circle of friends. You will mold my physical body so that it is safe, sound and healthy as well. You will ensure that my mind, my worst enemy, acquiesces to Your will, then this girl will finally know peace of soul.

You will protect me from every demon. Hmm. I like the sound of this. I'd like to see how You will protect me from every demon - most of those live in my head - but I bet You have a plan.

Of course, we must discuss what demons might be in my head.
Demons: 

Anxiety, leading to all sorts of different self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps it is the behavior You shall address rather than the demon itself as it may be a unbalance of brain chemical demon, leading me to a new path in my brain on how to react to the demon.

The Past, that hauntingly familiar entity that eats at every decision anyone makes, until I unconsciously question every move I do or see in order to ensure I do not screw up again or get screwed. Interior interrogation of my own mind sucks!

Onward.

Sir, You tell me that it is so easy to love me and it must be true but this girl cannot fathom such a thing. I simply cannot see it. The Past, Anxiety; those play a horrific role in my ability to fairly judge my own value. So I put my trust in You. You will lead me and You will take care of me. I will take care of You too. I love you.

Attitude is everything

I had three angry facebook posts this morning and two angry emails. Yes. I wrote them. Then I came across this:

Here are the 22 vibrations that you can choose to be in (starting with the highest vibration and then going down to the lowest vibration). Where are you at today?

1. Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10.Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11.Overwhelmed
12.Disappointment
13.Doubt
14.Worry
15.Blame
16.Discouragement
17.Anger
18.Revenge
19.Hatred/Rage
20.Jealousy
21.Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22.Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

Monitor yourself at all times. The goal is to stay in the top 7!!

A moment of silence passed and then I rated my current sense of self. I am sitting at about a 9 through 17 (yes all of them) with a 21 & 22 thrown in for good measure. How awful! No wonder I'm on antidepressants because I've felt all of those things ever since I discovered how difficult it would be to get my Sir here. 

However. There have been changes. Updates. 

The waiver was approved. New documents have been sought and obtained. The Visa will pass and he will be here in possibly one month. The problems I had with young son and all the doubts from a week or so ago were dealt with cleanly by my Sir, my son and I all over Skype the very same night I wrote them. Sir did it perfectly well despite my doubts. That's why He's in charge, you see. *Grin*

I do not want to feel these things anymore. I am of the understanding that it is a simple change of mind to change the feelings. I simply quit smoking. I simply quit drinking. I am positive I can BE positive and simply change my way of looking at things, my way of feeling. It HAS TO BE that way. There is nothing I cannot accomplish. I know it. 

Truly since the waiver passed I have hovered around Contentment with a bit of Boredom. (Because we still wait.) Now in the excitement, I have allowed my attorney to give me the next set of paperwork. What did I see? Not success so far, but rather fury that there is so much more. And fear. Always the fear. It seems if you do not dance properly with the government, they will remove your dancing pass. 

Fortunately, I am very good at waiting. I had no idea of my patience. I can wait a very long time, mostly calmly. I have my moments, but I am learning. Always learning, are we not? Oddly enough, I see that in my early life my 1-7 was fueled by 10 and 17-20. How out of balance! It worked at the time but even then I knew something was not right. Sometimes we only need a tool, a picture of how it works, then it all falls into place.

For me, my pride may be my downfall. I am used to getting what I want; I am used to doing whatever needs to be done to ensure that I get what I want. However, WHEN I get what I want is beyond my control. There is where I will have to focus my patience. Not only patience for the timing and things beyond my control, but patience for myself as well. Stay in the 1-7 range. Without the lows, would we appreciate the highs? No. Without the highs, the lows will drag us into despair and depression. Balance. 

My goal: Achieve balance.

Doubts.

Loneliness and insecurity are often my companions.

“There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.” -a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin, SlaveCraft.

Is it possible to live without doubts? Can doubts be a positive thing to have?

I don't know of a single person who lives without doubts. I haven't met one. I've never heard of one. There are even sayings about doubts. "If in doubt, don't (do it)."

Are doubts positive? Do doubts have a potential positive effect on a person? Depends I suppose. If you doubt that you have the capability to leave your abusive husband then doubt is a horrifying monster that might keep you captive until your very possible but untimely and painful death. If you doubt that you can jump off a fifteen story building and live, then of course it reverts to choice and people notoriously choose not to jump off. "Try it and see" has some boundaries, so it seems.

Are there regular doubts? Probably. Seems a good many people doubt they should marry and so they do not. I believe the term for diving out of potential marriage while engaged is "getting cold feet." The term once married changes to "divorce." Probably better to doubt beforehand and not go through with it. But that's just an example.

What happens when you make decisions with the best information you have at the time, then develop doubts along the way? Do you question everything you've done? How sane is that, considering you did the best you could with what you knew at the time?

Better yet, what if you know what is PROBABLY best, but you simply cannot do it for some reason? You doubt the choice you made was a good one, but you simply do not have the emotional strength to do something different? Or perhaps you doubt yourself and your choices so much that you get mired in one spot? With the agony later of finding that you should have done something when you did nothing, then perhaps you question yourself more.

I can't say if doubts should be relegated to "good" or "bad." Such judgment seems to be irrelevant. Personal doubt that conflicts your inner being, however... that is not necessarily a good thing.

I can say that doubts rule me. I question and re-question myself all the time. Thus I am insecure and do not tend to stay in relationships when I might be able to forge through them with professional help. I'm beginning to think that either I've chosen all the wrong men all this time (except for my Master) or that I simply do not have the strength nor resolve (or give-a-shit as it were) to work through problems with full commitment to another human being. I'm not always the problem, but my choice to get with a person makes me doubt whether or not I'm making good choices. Better to stay alone sometimes for some of us. Then doubt can't eat us alive. Insecurity is killing me!

Hm. Thoughts on this might progress further on.

On motherhood decisions

It is not difficult for me to be a single parent in terms that most people would apply. Financially we are quite capable of living within the means of my paycheck unless something unforeseen happens (therapy bills, new roof, etc.) that set us back. Otherwise, we do just fine.

Except that we don't. I lied. That whole paragraph above is how I want it to be but with a teen, it isn't working out so well. It's not entirely his fault. It's not entirely my fault. But I dread the part that IS my fault because I already watched my own mother do this and I can't understand why I'm doing it too. It's not because it's easy to do it as I watched and learned it from her, it's because it's easy to do it this way. Let me explain.

My son and I have a wonderful relationship. While he used to tell me everything, now he withholds some of himself, holding "secrets" that he believes I do not understand because he's a teen and I'm not anymore. I remember this happening to me as well. I remember feeling completely alone, isolated, and worst of all, my mother was my worst enemy because she picked on me and raged at me. Even at my age now, I hear from people that she knew that I was the best child but the worst teenager and my brother was the exact opposite. However, people also ask if I'm the "smart one" because they measure intelligence according to schooling. I didn't get bad grades, but I was no math brain and I'm still not. A fish told to climb a tree will always be a failure. I am good at many other things that people do not seem to measure as important. I'm fine with that.

I remember one of the only compliments my mother gave me was that I was a better mother than she had been. At the time, I held terrible secrets. I protected this child's father when I should have turned him in for child abuse. I did leave and take our son, but not before beating myself up to the point that I was no good as a mother in my own head. As much as I'd like to have lived up to my mother's compliment, I can say that I am a better friend than a mother at this point. My son and I are friends and that's what's getting us into trouble. You see, Mom always said that you couldn't be friends with your child and be their parent also. I disagreed then and I disagree now. Problem is, I don't have a manual on how to do this. It is my deepest gut feeling that this view on parent/friend relationships being impossible is flat wrong. Just like always though, I can only tell you it is a gut feeling, I cannot tell you WHY. Not just yet. Not until I've pondered through it and can give it to you in words. In the meantime, I'm battling my son. I'm battling me. I'm battling to survive.

My son is 13. He will be 14 in just a few months. With terrible depression and his grades crashing, I pulled him from public school, put him in homeschool and therapy. It was my fondest hope that I could get him into an online public school, but it didn't work out. Anyway. Per agreement with his therapist, my son is supposed to set his alarm for 7:30 or so, call me. Do his studies (this should be a few hours with some breaks when he needs them), call me again. Do two chores, call me again. Then finally he'd have free time. Per discussion with my fiancé, my son is to go to bed at 9:30 so his depression is not affected by lack of sleep. Young son does not like the 9:30 idea and I must admit that he is generally up when I am trying to get ready for bed at 10 and 10:30. I tell him to go to bed and then I'm in bed and once I sleep with Prince Xanax, there is nothing that awakens me til nearly 2 a.m.

I don't leave my son lists. I expect him to call me when his alarm goes off like he's supposed to do. I expect him to do his studies and write down EXACTLY what he did in his study notebook. When he calls me, I tell him his chores. Except he doesn't. He doesn't set his alarm. He sleeps in the computer room now, where there is no alarm. He doesn't write his studies in his notebook. I don't think he's really doing them. He's on the internet late at night when I wasn't aware that he was doing such a thing. He doesn't call me. Then he doesn't do his chores either. In order for him to do what he's agreed to do, what he's SUPPOSED to do, it is apparent that I must get angry once a week (preferably on Monday morning) and yell a lot. He has to be thoroughly cowed (embarrassed, subdued, strong-armed, terrorized, crushed, humbled, scared) and THEN he will do as he is told.

This is infuriating. Why should I have to get angry for him to do as he is told? Surely there is another way that will not have me fidgeting, questioning myself, anxiety-ridden and guilt-ridden. Surely there is a way to do this that won't make me question my already extensively battle scarred self... those scars are from me, myself and I. I put them there. I am my own worst enemy. Then the guilt at that.

Guilt! I am overwhelmed by guilt. I'm not making my son stay on task. Sometimes I lack the energy. Sometimes I lack the "give-a-shit." Sometimes I just think to myself, "Tomorrow. There is always tomorrow... I will have the energy then." Weekends come and I use those to rest and get housework done. Sometimes my house is fairly clean. Within days I wonder what the hell exploded in my kitchen that shit is now all over the place. I am a good part of the problem. At the end of all this, I end up with sores all over my body, the feeling that I'm not good enough and feeling completely overwhelmed by life in general. I suck as a mother, I'm a much better friend.

I let this happen. My mother did this with my brother. She was much harder on me. I swore I wouldn't treat my child the way my mother treated me and I don't. But I do treat him like she treated my brother, and the spoiled little brat is still a spoiled little brat.

It's not that my son is a bad person or a bad child, or even a bad teenager. It is that I let him do things that I should not. When I am given a directive such as making him go to bed at 9:30 at night, I tell young son to do so and then the arguing starts. Oh god. The arguing. The only way to end that is to either walk away and say "Fuck it," and go the fuck to sleep feeling guilty that I'm a shitty mother, or to end up yelling and vanquishing him completely, then going to bed full of anxiety and guilt that I'm a shitty mother for yelling. I'm not nice when I yell. Once I'm yelling, it means I lost my temper and when I lose my temper, pain is fair game, even dealing emotional, forever type pain. I say things when I'm angry that are hurtful and full of hate and rage, things that take people to their knees, then bash them to the ground and make them hurt forever. I say things that never go away. I know... Mom did that to me as well.

There is the problem. It's not Mom. It's that when I lose my temper (which I try so very very hard NOT to do, to the point of passive-aggressiveness) I haven't managed to learn to control myself. Wow. 42 and still a bitch when I'm angry. I don't just get angry, I am sudden full fury. There is no inbetween for me.

While I'm busy trying not to lose my temper, life goes on. My son gets older. He dives into his PS3 or movies from Netflix and disappears from life. He doesn't walk the dog every day. Sometimes I'm fine with that because I remember that there's a pedophile living on our block. Sometimes I'm not fine with that because he COULD go another direction, but then he could still get picked up or stolen. *deep sigh* Life goes on. My son gets taller. He is rough with me. I start it, he doesn't rein in his strength. He says he doesn't know that he's that strong. I understand because he has grown so much so fast and I remember suddenly being strong enough to control a horse better and not quite having the hang of things yet, overdoing it here and there. I remember bloodying my little brother's nose when I only meant to give him a light slap. Yikes. I know.

Life goes on while I wrestle with my interior demons. My son grows and learns bad habits from me because I do not rein him in, with me feeling caught in a web because I cannot find the borderline. This isn't about him, it's about me. But it's affecting him terribly. My god I'm a horrible mother. I die in my guilt when I get to this point. I feel horrible. Like a horrible worthless person. I do not deserve to raise a child. It is a great honor to do so and yet I'm screwing it up.

Once in a while, I see the high points. I see that my son has the capacity for great gentleness and empathy. He can handle the smallest animal with compassion and gentleness, and the oldest human with compassion and tenderness. When I am hurt or scared, he cares for me completely, cooking for me, bringing me medicine that he knows I need (inhaler for asthma, xanax for panic attack, etc.), or covers me with his blankets, gives me his stuffed frog and calling the dogs to surround me during a lightning storm when I freeze in the hallway. If I get sick and cannot do something, he will go out and weed, or take out the trash, or do the dishes, or do the cooking, or a combination of any of these things. I know that's the adult in him that comes out. I also know that I am part of the reason for that adult behavior and that gives me hope for both myself and for him.

In the meantime, my son is also a teen. So while he pushes the boundaries like a normal teen, all I can hope for is the best while I do my best; that he will survive into and through adulthood as a thriving happy being with the skills to adapt with positivity to any situation. Because in the end, that's all that really counts. It isn't grades or regurgitated information in public school. It isn't math. It isn't chemistry or geography. (Those can help depending on work field, but are not ultimately connected to positivity nor happiness.)

Off I go to wrestle with myself while I work through self imposed guilt and try to raise my son. Wish me luck.