Representation...

I just read this: "A submissive female is the reflection of her Master in her actions."

The statement struck me as a truth. It is possible that you disagree. Let me lay out my reasoning, and however it may worm around in the chaotic mess that is my mind lately, I will do my level best to make it clear and understandable, rather than some wandering blather that goes everywhere and nowhere at once!

Example:
Thinking back to the TSR website, many of my memories concern "trolls." Trolls were the main reason W/we did not post there, Master and I. One troll in particular couldn't keep her stories straight, yet time and again after being called out she continued to post and sling insults at everyone. If the post began to divert course from giving her attention, guess what? You bet she posted again, intentionally dragging attention back to herself. Many lambasted her on how her words reflected her master's lack of control, to which she responded that he did not care what she said on there.

---- It is commonly said that action speaks louder than words.  ----
W/we saw that the continued ACTIONS of her posting to divert attention to herself, to deliberately lie to others, and to speak as if she were better than everyone, downsizing everyone who disagreed with her... those actions reflect a complete lack of self-control. It is my humble opinion that if a slave has such lack of self-control, that said slave would be refused the permission to post by any true Dominant to whom that slave belonged. This is merely this girl's opinion, however, not necessarily a worldwide reality!


My Feelings On That Girls Actions & Words:
I ... am... dumbstruck by such idiocy. How could any good slave possibly be willing to flat out lie on their posts, let alone treat others so disrespectfully, and their Dominant would allow such behavior? First, let me tell you that I do not now, nor did I ever, believe she was truly in a D/s relationship in any way. The idiocy of her statements simply gives away what she really was and probably still is... she is a liar, a compulsive attention whore. That is all. If she truly is in a D/s relationship, I sure don't understand it. She tops from the bottom, is a self-proclaimed brat. My Master would never have her. A good many masters & mistresses on TSR stated the same. As a matter of fact, it was within just a month's time of her first posts that my Master disliked her intensely, though at the time she seemed on very good behavior. Boy, can HE make excellent predictions! Master has excellent insight on both situations and people. There are many good reasons I call Him "The General!"


***  For Later Discussion with Master:
Now in writing this, my dislike for the troll's actions and words is revealed. And yet, because I write it down, I feel I am judgmental in writing such things. Where the troll was so judgmental of others, so I am judging her now. Does this make me a bad slave? Does it mean I misrepresent my Master? I shall have to ask my Master.


On Representation and Reality:
In my opinion, yes, a slave's actions and words do indeed represent their master. A slave represents their master in thought and deed. Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions. Do not confuse an adult with a child, however. A child that may be reared properly and still become a serial killer; a child is an unfinished human in terms of development, without true consenting ability and without a true idea of actions and consequence. Only adults can consent to such a thing as slavery and full submission with a full understanding of action and consequence, right from wrong. Perhaps if a slave is mouthy and hateful toward others, it may show that his/her dominant takes pleasure in seeing the slave become "top slave" and verbally dominate other slaves on the rise to the top of the slave "pecking order." There was such a case on TSR; this was a completely separate couple than "troll girl."

My idea of right and wrong on part of a slave's actions is not necessarily reality for all slaves and all dominants. As stated, one master took pleasure in seeing his girl verbally abuse other slaves in her naturally dominant attitude, taking pleasure in watching her rise to the top of the slave pile in TSR. He enjoyed seeing her put fear into others, stating he had no care at all for other slaves, only caring for her, and that she pleased him as she became an alpha submissive amongst a group of submissives. He did not deem what she did or said as bad behavior (though my Master certainly would) and it seemed that she could do no wrong amongst the other slaves or dominants because she had the absolute backing of her master in his own clearly written words on the site. Nevertheless, I felt her behavior & words absolutely showed her master's belief that he himself was better than other people in general. He did act that way, as if the rest of us were all pawns to the game of his majesty, the master of his lofty submissive.

The Golden Rule:
We are taught as children (hopefully!) that we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us, meaning to treat and speak to others the way we wish to be treated and spoken to ourselves. Perhaps there are folks out there who prefer to be walked on, I am not such a one. I am, on occasion, verbally aggressive and protective when there is an underdog, when there is a cause, when there is something that I feel needs to be said in a world inhabited by bigots. I am in my 40's now. I am not at all concerned with how the people of the world think of me. I am, however, VERY concerned with how my Master thinks of me. I am VERY concerned with how I represent my Master, that I should do so in a way that he finds pleasing. Ahhhh! Paradox!

Until He is here, it is a mystery to me how I am to continue to be myself (charging forward with sword and shield, erm... pen and paper...) and still please my Master. Once He is here, this girl is positive that He will make it all clear, completely... utterly... clear.

I do hope He is patient. It may be very difficult for me to change nearly 30 years of behavior. Tried telling him that last night, as a matter of fact... hahahaha. Of course He did not budge in his statement. I am to learn to control a particular behavior. But that is a discussion for another day. Until then, and through to the end, this girl will do her level best to represent her Master in the best possible light by using her words well if and when He wishes for her to speak... and by her actions, in keeping her actions positive and kindly.

I believe that my Master wishes for me to represent Him in this way. Anything else will be, of course, summarily corrected!

Je t'aime mon Maître Adoré.

Significance of trust...

Sooo I'm blundering around in submissive journal prompts by lunaKM and I find this gem of a question:

"If you found out that someone had lied to you about something significant from the beginning, would you want to rebuild the relationship or walk away? What is your personal ‘line of tolerance on honesty’?"

Well well well. What an interesting question.

My answer?
It depends on what the lie is about. If it's something that affects MY trust of the person in regards to future lying, then I'll probably show them the door. If not, then it just depends. I'm a fairly open-minded and tolerant individual MOST of the time. (I think...)

For example, if Master said to me today that he is actually married? I would never speak to him again. It would be done, just like that. If he told me that he had another child that he's refused to talk about? I'd be gone, just like that. If he told me he's a pedophile? That would be it. I think those are probably deal-breakers for nearly everyone. Those are major lies, really.

However, if Master told me that he'd been thinking about something and just didn't know how to say it for all this time, or maybe had proven amnesia, that might be forgivable. (Pedophiles are not forgivable, nor are any of the other points given in the previous paragraph.)

Perhaps a friend tells me after 10 years of friendship that he/she is gay/lesbian. My response? So what? Doesn't affect my feeling of friendship. Doesn't affect my trust. It's an example of them having hidden something from everyone, even maybe themselves. I can't fault anyone for that. If my Master decides he's gay (Impossible, not even unlikely just flat impossible!) but IF HE DID... hypothetically speaking, I would be upset, but I couldn't be angry. As a matter of fact, I would ease his passage into another life with someone because I love him. The change of sexual orientation is not a sudden thing. However, it is such a socially charged issue that people are well-versed in lying to themselves as well as everyone else, hiding for their own mental and emotional survival. They try and try to live the way they are "supposed" to, and most people find that after a time, they cannot continue walking the path of lying to themselves with such deep unhappiness in their lives. I cannot fault someone for not even being willing to open their own eyes and look into themselves until they feel safe to do so. As a matter of fact, I would feel honored that someone chose to share such a deeply hidden thing with me, even if that took time. Don't get me wrong, it would be heartbreaking and I would be upset as hell, but it would be the personal change for me, about which I would be upset. It would never affect my friendship with my Master or significant other.

I think the gist of this whole idea is intent and type/depth of relationship. It matters one helluva lot if a lie is deliberately, maliciously kept secret by another person who initiates, pursues, and continues an intimate relationship with me, despite knowing it will hurt me. 

Comparison for comparison's sake.
Premeditated lying... like premeditated murder, that is a big deal. You intend to harm and you do it with careful planning. ("Oh sorry, did I forget to mention that I'm already married?" WTF!!)
Manslaughter is an accidental death caused by another person, it is still punishable by law because someone died. Same with lies such as sexual orientation. You didn't go out of your way to hurt anyone, you went out with the intention of living "a normal life," and when you realized something important as an issue, then someone else gets hurt by what is a complete accident of eventual revelation.

Basically I'm saying that, "Oops, I'm actually already married," (knowing it beforehand) versus "Oops, actually I'm gay," (level of self-deception in order to comply with society and familial demands) shows a huge gap on the lie factor scale between one another. Either way, I'd be hurt, but I would survive it, that I guarantee you. ;)

Once In A Lifetime.

List all the things that have happened to you only once in your entire life.

Holy shit. Are you fucking serious? I'm in my early forties, I don't even know if I can remember things that have happened MULTIPLE times unless it was fairly recent!

Naturally my mind immediately drifts to focusing on negative things, but there are some good ones too.

• I've only given birth once. 
• I've had only one caesarean section.
• You only get one birthday a year, therefore I've had only ONE 1st birthday, ONE 2nd birthday, ONE 3rd birthday. (You see where this may lead... haha)
• I've had ONE Master. I do not intend to ever have another and should anything happen to this one, I'll never walk this path willingly again. 
• I've successfully trained one mustang.
• There was only one horse with which I've truly connected and bonded with.
• Rodeo queen - once.
• I only moved to North Carolina once.
• I've flown one plane once in my life as the pilot (in training). 

Wow. Who knew?

Can't think of anything else at the moment, but I may revisit this topic. :)

Planning; reality & foresight.

Ahhhh Planning. How we all love to do it. No living in the moment for us! Hell no! We must PLAN our lives! It's human nature! We Plan to do everything! We think it through thoroughly! We get to "the moment..." annnnnnnnnnnd Reality kicks in and all our Planning is for nothing. Eventually we get enough experience that Foresight kicks in and we may entertain ideas and Planning, but we know that realistically, there is a high possibility of the Planning not becoming Reality.


                                    For example:



A fellow just came into my office with a tag to leave for a coworker that specified a particular plant he's got at his house. It is one of my favorites, Gaura lindheimeri, which unfortunately doesn't like to grow at the altitude at which I live. Deplorable, this. This plant is commonly known as "Whirling Butterflies." Tiny flowers at the end of long thin stalks "whirl" when there is a breeze. A desert plant, it prefers warm, dry climates with well-drained, sandy soil. It comes in white and pink.




I envision the plant with dreamy memories. My brain awakens as my Idealism begins the attempt to drag me down the Planning path, my very experienced Foresight saying, "Uhhh no. I don't think so." In self defense, my brain awakens "the Voice of Sensibility," the one that uses all of that lovely experience and combines it sensibly with realistic foresight in order to avoid planning ridiculous things and thereby talks me out of doing them? ...       Well anyway. That tiny voice in my head pipes up, "Where are you going with this Gaura bit?" I answer quickly, "Well, I'm Planning of course! I am thinking about gutting my flower beds next spring." The Voice quickly decides to shut down the Planning, shows me images of my flowerbed from this past spring, then fast-forwards to images of my flowerbeds now. Egad! The weeds! Catastrophe!

Reality slaps both of my cheeks!
    I freeze.
        I sigh.
            I realize that this year did not go at all to Plan.

Hmm. Gonna have to think about this.

The bedevilment!

Back to my inner brain conversation...
Idealism kicks back in, but sneakily, until it has full sentences with which to drown out "The Voice of Sensibility." Idealism starts by talking very quickly, "Naturally, according to Foresight, I should ACT NOW! Ahhh! Even better. Gutting that flowerbed NOW would be good. I could dig up everything weedy and be done with it!"  --- It is at this point that "The Voice" rolls its eyes, folds its arms and begins to tap a foot whilst staring ceilingward and counting to 10. Eventually, Idealism quiets down, knows it has lost the battle, and wanders down to a pond to kick a few rocks while mumbling softly under its breath. My brain & I both sigh in relief, having observed the whole thing whilst munching popcorn and fervently hoping that "The Voice" would not kill my Idealism. One cannot live thoroughly without at least a LITTLE Idealism, right?

Fabulous! Both my Idealism and I have survived so far this year!

Reality
Planning didn't get me anywhere this year, you see. I didn't do a thing with my flower beds this year at all. I didn't have the energy. It's not like NOTHING grew though. I have a few die-hard plants just blooming wildly, growing happily in the sun-baked clay. And look! Just this weekend, a friend told me that I have a lovely crop of weeds! ---- Hrm. Uh. Yeah. Well.... Honestly yeah, I didn't manage to raise my energy this year. I didn't manage anything but survival, however I believe that was quite an accomplishment in itself. It has been a strange year!

As I said, though, in Reality, I managed survival, which is a great accomplishment!

There are people out there for whom "Survival" isn't good enough. Just a quick peek, let's look at how Planning, Reality and Foresight affect some people in "the Real World." (Humor me as I digress, please)

According to the everyday practicing witch or Pagan, the last day of the year is October 31st, Samhain. The New Year is brought in by Dia de los Muertos, a celebration of family, memories, & ancestors. Dia de los Muertos is the current Mexican version of a very very old ritual with many names that spreads across many religions, both Christian and Pagan. Look up Bon Festival, Chuseok, Qingming, Gai Jatra, All Saints Day, etc. A few of them take place at different times of the year, however. How do the Christians feel about it? Well of course anyone who is not Christian is going to burn in hell. It's not Planning. It's not Foresight. It's their idea of Reality. Scary!






Strange how the embrace of Death is thought to be horribly unnatural by practicing Christians. Unlike Islamic religions, there is no honor involved in dying nor in the method of death for the whole of Christianity. Death is feared! Death, the Grim Reaper, quite often is equated with one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, as riding a pale horse or a black horse. Wellllll nowwwww, that's a Planning of sorts, is it not? Christians rely on biblical readings in order to Plan their lives. They Plan to "be good" and with Foresight, realize they are merely human, and since Hell is a Reality to them, they spend their lives terrified of doing anything wrong. So much for The Human Condition.

What is so terrible about death? Death is the great equalizer. Everyone dies. Christianity shuns dying and death with terror. But then, organized religion shuns everything not within its complete control. An "afterlife" of sorts is looked upon favorably, as no one has proof and therefore no control over the idea of such a thing. Death itself in the Christian view seems very negative and laced with fear. The process of dying is riddled with horrors of all sorts. The only thing that Christians Plan for is Heaven. AFTER life on this earth... they are Planning for something AFTER this. Not this reality. Not this NOW time. They spend their lives Planning for something about which they have no proof! *face palm*






I suppose a great deal of Christian's fear is based on the belief in hell. How sad for them. I'm sure Dante's Inferno (Divine Comedy) didn't help. Damn that Dante! Everlasting torture... there's some Planning for you. The perfect "Eternal One" had the Foresight to see humanity was going to act more horribly than two-year-old children throwing eternal tantrums, so of course god Planned a place for humanity to be tortured and burned forever based on ridiculous rules that got even more ridiculous over the years.

SOMEONE'S REALITY!

Atheists, well we don't worry at all. LOL! You live. You make the most of the time you have. You die. Nobody knows when. It's the most simple view, quite honestly. For me it is the only sensible view.  Oh how I like playing with wicca, but I can never believe goddess or god exist anywhere in any form other than within our own selves. To believe otherwise is senseless and cruel.







But back to my garden and how my brain works. Do you see the pattern? I'm chugging along with a thought that melts and reforms into another one... and

      Alas!

             I have shifted too many directions to stay on one solid sensible path!

You see where my ideas go. I come across something... Behold! An idea! I begin to plan. "I'll take out the flowerbed plants that should be shifted elsewhere and do just that, then replant with new stuff! Or at the very least, I'll weed!" Then something comes along... and I get distracted by Reality. All the dreams and planning turn to fluff.

Fortunately...
-- I have gained much foresight from my experiencesm thus I acknowledge that odd thinking cycle exists and that life plays with me quite roughly.

Such is life for any one of us. I tell you this!

I will survive!

Being Grateful and Taking it Easy

I had an appointment this morning with my son's counselor for educational planning. I was there half an hour early, having been stressed enough to forget the actual time of the meeting, and having not looked at the reminder paper before leaving for the appointment. In the parking lot, a young woman was tearfully waiting, her cell phone to her ear. I couldn't read her look, but then she is a teen and it is difficult to read them sometimes with the gamut of emotion that they have daily. As I walked into the building, a vehicle pulled up and the young lady got in. Once in the office, her mother finally appeared, explaining the medical reason for her daughter being pulled out of school.

I realize during the discussion how scary it must be for that parent, when her child has such medical problems. The girl then walked in to be with her mother. I mentioned to the girl to look up a particular herb that should help her. After the girl left, one of the office secretaries and I ended up in a discussion about herbology & herbal treatments for the condition, as the secretary herself seems to be suffering from the same problem. A brief amusement ensued as we laughed about 4 year planning when each of us live day-by-day and sometimes minute-to-minute. It depends on the stress level...

Being half an hour early had an advantage for a giver such as myself. Long interest in herbology and the study and application of medicinal herbs gave me incentive. I took the extra time remaining to zip on down to the local organic market and picked up some of this herb for her in loose form in a jar with teabags to steep, a tincture, and a pill form. She wanted to pay me and I refused, stating that the payment would be finding out if it worked for her. I really am supposed to let folks pay me for things like this, but she didn't ask me to get those things and truly it will be worth it to find out if those things do the trick for her. (Yeah yeah I know. I'll do without something of my own now...)

The appointment began and though a lot of talking about nonsense ensued, it was certainly different in that during last year's appointment, my son sat with folded arms in silence with one word replies. This time he was animated and happy and the difference for both the counselor and I was such a relief!

After the appointment, an acquaintance was seated in the office. I asked if his appointment for planning was next. He said he was pulling his child out of school to go to the doctor in a larger town, a specialist. A bit more information and I discovered his fear is that his child has skin cancer. I wished him luck and left, passing a man who also came to pull his child out of school for a moment just to give a daily diabetic shot.

I walked out of that building. It occurred to me that my problems are small. Very small. I may have my moments, living from minute-to-minute, and this month has been no small test so far, with many more tests in sight. At least I can see what I am facing. The poor man who is taking his child to the specialist in another town has no idea what he's facing. It could be life threatening, financially impossible, or very very simple. At that moment, as I looked at the gorgeous rich blue of the sky, the golden leaves of the Catalpa trees, the cool deep forest green of a spruce, and smelled the clean air... at that moment I realized I have it easy! I really do! Life hasn't handed me a whole bunch of terrible shit! Life has given me a fairly easy path to walk! Really. We aren't ill. We don't have life threatening diseases, or diseases of such expense that we cannot afford to keep our house. We don't have bill collectors breathing down our necks because of unpaid bills. Hell, I got this shit handled! I'm on TOP of this shit! We're good! We got our health and we got each other!

Yeah yeah. I know. A little while later and I'm very glad for my Xanax as I think about my vision problem, the doctor appointment where they'll probably still tell me 'No,' the cost of boarding my dogs and what the hell to do with the birds in a cat infested house of relatives I am to stay with who are very religious and whom I haven't seen for years, my dog that pees in the house that is also an absolute cuddlebug who is devoted to me, and the fact that my husband is still not in this country and my son wants to go into the military in the biggest fighting force in the world that the rest of the world uses as fodder in every battle they wish to get into over corporations and greed.

Hmph. I sound like Gloom & Doom again. It's all fear, you know. Fear of the unknown.

The fear of the unknown motivates us all. We get up every day with the fear that if we don't go to work and make money, we will not be able to pay our bills, and then we don't really know what will happen. Bankruptcy? Losing it all and living on the street? Large unknowns really make people move a lot. We squirm, we complain, we get moving and do it all anyway. What would we be doing with ourselves if we didn't have this financial structure set up to work within? Would we all be thinkers? Dreamers? Traders? Would there be Camaro's and Lamborghini's and 4.2 billion dollar Hollywood mansions? Would there be a Pussy Riot or Disturbed or even Lady Gaga? Would there be war? How about religion?

Meh. It's all meh. Death and taxes are the only absolutes. For once, I would like to just accept that and move on, not fight tooth and nail against everything I abhor. It may be my nature to fight, but I'm so tired of fighting I just want to LIVE now.

One day at a time.

Torn by the past & taking responsibility.

One of my deepest fears is that I will end up walking the old path - to nobody's detriment but my own. I am obviously submissive and it is hard for me to open up to anyone, really. In the past I was able to tell anyone anything, but over the years it seems my fighting strength has either been sapped by time or by motherhood and the instinct to not fight in order to protect my son.

The old path...
It is no secret that my mother was a tyrant. We "walked on eggshells" around her. This simply means we were VERY careful in what we said and did in order to not upset her. An upset mother meant one thing, anger. Her anger burnt hot and vengeful. She had no problems taking her rage out on us, but Dad & I were her alternating favorites for venting. When Dad would get pissed and leave, I couldn't because I was a kid so I took the brunt of it when he was gone. I learned early on to keep my mouth shut. We weren't allowed emotions and I was full of them.

These days...
What I learned was a passive aggressive response of watching and biding my time. When someone fucks up, I kick them to the curb. Now, I'm here to tell you... this doesn't work in marriages. It ends marriages right damn fast. I SURE won't work in a Master/slave relationship and perhaps this is one of the draws of slavery for me. It means that no matter what stupid shit I might want, it will not be allowed... or will it.

What happens if I say something stupid and hurtful to my Master? I have had this false idea that Masters own a slave forever, like a kajira. A kajira is property to be punished at His will. Well, I've had that false idea shattered. So many Masters abandoning slaves after what has been presented as a minor digression of a slave or else the Master has moved on to someone else after weeks/months of lying to his slave. I'm terrified.

I suppose I should expound on what I mean by "saying something stupid and hurtful." Well here. In my last marriage, it was shattered by my fury as I proclaimed that he was a coward (truth) for not defending me from other male's advances or against his own mother's hateful sarcasm. During the marriage I had alluded to those things, but I don't think he ever really understood just how much those things bothered me. In my female mind, mentioning it alone should have been enough. Men don't work that way. They miss subtleties. Men require direct language (without hostility) and direct action (without force or hurtfulness) in order to get a point across. I get that now.

Except I'm not male. In my heart of hearts, I love this man, my Master, like no other. Still I am filled with the fear of my own screwups, that I will do something or say something to break the ties that bind us. It would be a moment of sheer stupidity. It would be a moment of pure fear, or pure rage, the terror of what is happening around me breaking me so that I choose the wrong thing out of the need for relief (trying to break up with him on a cell phone) or such rage that I am willing to break and burn it all (fury at Ron for his cowardice over the years, unanswered by my questions of why didn't he stand by me, why didn't he say something... hearing all those, "I don't knows" echoing in my head with no further words beyond the pain of betrayal in my heart and soul.)

I love this man. I pray that his Masterly skills will outdo any of my female idiocy. I pray that his Masterly strength and his love for me will remain strong, pure and unbroken by my eventual fear and hostility in any given situation. I am lesser, you see. I am not as strong. I am full of emotion and fear. He is my pillar of strength, but I cannot fully release all of my fear. All around me I see those male pillars of strength walking away for another woman, leaving the current female to agony and dust. I cannot take another betrayal. Neither can I live with fear in my heart.

Just the other day, I read that it is wrong to not trust in a relationship, that is akin to a sin and evil. That it is purely choice to not trust and to not forgive. That it is purely choice to hold onto trust issues from the past when in a new relationship. Well fuck me. I guess I'm a sinful evil bitch then, because I truly cannot figure out how to trust with all these ghosts in my head.

Do you not find it odd that we are supposed to learn from our past, but we are not supposed to be ruled by it? How can one learn, learning the feeling of betrayal, and then learn to not worry when a new situation presents itself with the same potential end? Of course we worry! That is what makes us human! I am told that I should not worry. Well I'm sorry, but I do. I'm told I should not feel fear. Well, I'm sorry, but the past and the lessons learned were learned well and with a lot of pain and I cannot seem to move back into the zone of full trust. How CAN one move into a zone of full trust after having learned lessons of betrayal? It is like moving backwards. It is like asking one to have white cloth after adding red dye. Only bleach can scour the cloth white, and even then it eats at the fabric, the strength of the fabric is forever compromised.

Trust is broken, not rebuildable into the same thing, much like a broken cup. You can glue it together, but it is not the same. I fail to see why this should only apply to one relationship, but not all of them. Do we not learn?? Are our reactions any less plausible for our learning because it is a new relationship?

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

So I sit here, closer to the day my Master will be here. I feel anxious. Terribly anxious. I SO look forward to his coming. I worry that we will fall into a regular pattern and things will be lost. I cannot, oh I cannot have that happen. It is like him telling me, "Don't stop touching me." Well I cannot lose the precious closeness between us. I cannot be relegated to a secondary thing, else I question everything and then I begin to hide myself.

I worry about making these posts. These posts show into my mind, show my fears and my worries. Many times, Master addresses them immediately. I ask you, Master, please not today. I am fragile today. I believe I will refill my Xanax. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure and it is from so many things happening at once.

Yet what happens if I cannot tell him face-to-face how I feel. I cannot let it build like I did before. Oh I did, but I didn't. I told them all, but they did not listen. It had to be the way I was telling them. HAD TO BE. It cannot be that four males in a row refused to hear me, refused to take me seriously. It just can't be... people aren't that harmful. It HAS to be something I'm doing.

WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?! How do I not do it now?????

OK that's enough circles. I have to stop today. It is clear that I am fractured in all of my thinking today.

I love you, Maître. Please be gentle with me today. I am already on the verge of tears.

Closure

It is odd how things go. It's strange how quickly things can change. I have never been good at letting things go that hurt me in the past, nor have I been good at forgiving and forgetting. I am not bitchy to these people who hurt me unless they pull attitude with me, but I keep in the forefront of my mind what they did and whether or not they are trustworthy.

Trustworthy... well I have to say I have met very few who are 100% trustworthy. I don't even trust myself that much! There are different levels of trust, and different areas of trust. For example, my pedophile uncle is excellent at fixing cars, dishwashers, air conditioners, electric lines... would I trust him to fix those things? Yes. Would I trust him with a girl child? Oh hell no.  My first ex-husband is a wonderful humanitarian out doing things in the world for the poor. Would I trust him with my friendship? Oh hell no. My second husband is a hard worker with an absolutely hilarious sense of humor. Would I trust him enough to relax my vigiliance regarding his time with our son? Oh hell no. And so it goes.

I can live side-by-side with these people and keep up my guard forever. Not a problem, did it my whole life. In this way, forgiving and forgetting would be a hindrance as I would then relax my guard and trust where I should not.

So what to do when a person finally acknowledges they did something stupid and hurt me?

In a few moments, 30 minutes to be exact, a conversation was held today regarding something stupid a person did that hurt me. I've been tentative friends with her for a while now, but haven't trusted her with my full friendship. I will probably still be very careful around her, but the apology sure helped. First, she acknowledged that she had been each of three different types of people in my life: one who helped during my difficult times, one who walked away when I needed help during difficult times, and one who put me into difficult times. She apologized for being a dumbass. At that moment, I realized that she isn't the type of person who would deliberately hurt another and that she probably had some things going on in her own life at those times and she could not handle any more. At the very end, she apologized for hurting me. I thanked her. This is the first we've spoken of this issue.

Part of me feels as if the world got a little brighter and more beautiful. Part of me is quiet and not sure what to think. Part of me has its guard up, the watchful one, always watching and guarding me, like a big tigress.

I've been waiting for this, unwilling to bring it up, knowing that with people you must wait for them to be ready and there is no forcing them into anything at all. If you try to force, then anything you get will not be genuine. If you wait, they will open up like a little flower and if you shine your light upon them instead of giving them a bloody sword, then they will open up the rest of the way.

Most of the time, the way of the sword is too easy. I never took the easy road a day in my life. I don't intend to start now.

What to do with this apology of hers... processing....