Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Service mode, health, & internal peace online - part 2
Every M/s relationship has its own rules, made by the Master of that relationship. Many Masters only care about what a slave can do for them. Those aren't Masters, they just call themselves so. A true Master cares about the well-being of His slave. A slave is property. A Master who lets other property types go to hell (such as cars, houses & whatnot), will also not care properly for their slave. Scary!
Fortunately, I do not have this type of Master!
My priority is my Master and for the best service to him, I must first be in good health for my Sir. In other words, if I'm having a health issue (be it physical, emotional or mental), then I probably should take care of that first. There will be a world of difference in how this is attained once He is here, of that I am certain. For one thing, there will be "hands on" and not just me trying to puzzle things out in my head or with the limitations of Skype.
For some reason, it is hard for me to accept that I must focus on myself first in any way. In my idea of proper service, it seems to me that my problems should take a backseat. My idea of good service means doing things for Him before anything else. However, looking at His rules it's perfectly clear that He has always put my health as a priority.
We operate within the limits of being online so I am to greet Him once at home, He chooses my clothing for work and at home, He chooses what and when I eat. For my health He has added vitamins and my bedtime is much earlier so I get enough rest. Eventually when He is here there will be the addition of His laundry, cooking & serving His food, etc.
Perfectly clear, right? Yes, except that because of my apparent difficulty to shift from work mode to service mode, I'm having trouble focusing and staying on task here.
He wishes for me to greet Him once I get home, yet lately I've been slipping and letting myself be preoccupied with other things first. Though I'm sure he's noticed, He has said nothing until just before He left for work today. I'm not sure if He waited for me to snap back into my place or if He has just been immersed in other things. He has plenty of stress in His own life!
Why have I not stayed in place here?? What is my problem? I enjoy serving Him! I love my Master completely! I know I find my peace is when I am in "service" mode. My mind returns to the basics here. What is wrong with me?? Then, if that is not bad enough, knowing that I have been slipping and that He already has plenty to deal with in His own life without my added theatrics, I added to His already full plate! This morning I asked Master if He would come up with some service oriented things. *groan with a face palm*
I feel terrible doing this! Asking Him to help me! I feel as if I should be capable of taking full care of myself here! How could I possibly need more rules when I am already not doing as He wishes? I don't know. Now I am confused and I feel terrible.
GUILT!
Well, at this moment He is at work. When He reads this, then my laxity has not yet been dealt with, He will do so then. I will let him know that I have written in here with my questions and my uncertainty and my obvious lack of tenacity in the service department.
He will know what to do. He always knows what to do.
I am a very lucky girl here and I know it. I have a Master who gives freely so much of His energy and time to His girl! At times He bends His whole thought upon me so that He can find the best way to assert His will and help me stay on course. He understands this girl like no other ever has or ever will. He has wished to know this girl in a way no other ever cared to.
I feel that the reason behind my lack of good service is that I have allowed daily life to intrude in such a way that I have been unable to achieve a shift from my work persona to my service mode. Thus I am back to the original issue. I find that I must accept that in order to best serve my Master, I must first ensure my own good health. I have made many changes and limited so many things, yet it is clear it is not enough for me to stay on track.
I am sure Sir will think all this over and when He is ready He will guide me in whatever way He knows I best need it from Him. In a way, I worry about this as it may lead to some strict discipline and always when there is discipline, there is more guilt for me because it is not just me being punished, but Him as well. I don't like being punished, I'm not one who craves such a thing. Worse still is the idea that I am causing Him grief. *sigh* When will I learn to not hurt Him with my ignorance?
Service mode, health, & internal peace online - part 1.
From my brief time with Master in person, I know that 24/7 face-to-face M/s is much different than online M/s. With this in mind, I find I sometimes have difficulty to switch from my "professional persona" to "service mode" without the accompaniment of His guiding touch. I'm not sure how easy it will be to switch back and forth once Master is here, but we will figure that out when the time comes. He will know what to do; He always does.
With my slave tendencies, I tend to be submissive all the time. This doesn't work out well at my place of employment so I struggle and put on a professional persona when I'm at work. Once I am fully home, I am supposed to switch into service mode. However, this switch is hard for me to accomplish quite often. Going into learning mode is also difficult.
Should I learn how to stay in service mode while at work? Is that possible? What about in other aspects of life such as grocery shopping, dealing with normal issues, or when I'm visiting on facebook?
Being naturally submissive, I find that the easiest & probably best way for me to deal with other people is with courtesy and civility. However, many times other people seem to want to force me out of my submissive self. People sense my submission and they judge it as weakness immediately. It looks to me as if humanity carries a natural aggressive tendency to attack if they perceive a weakness in another. Whatever the reason for their attack, regrettably, my flaw here is that I have not yet learned how to not take things personally. Perhaps I must change how I think about what is personal: Things that take away from my time with Master, my child, my home; that's personal. I don't understand how those things could not be personal. Will that change with Internal Enslavement?
In trying to deal with my the difficulty shifting from "professional persona" to "service mode," I have minimized my stress in many ways. I changed or stopped a great many things that contributed negativity rather than positivity in my life: I don't visit family. I'm not on facebook much anymore. I don't fraternize with coworkers or anyone else. I have fewer pets. I don't focus every waking moment on the lengthy process of Master's immigration into this country. I keep my opinions to myself (mostly). I voluntarily isolate myself from other people. These things have helped, but it is not enough, I know there is more for me to work on so that I can be in service mode all of the time.
If things affect my emotional and mental health, I lose my internal peace, my ability to remain in service mode, and my ability to continue learning in nearly every way. What a paradox! If I am to enter & remain in service mode, I must be at internal peace. Though learning can be done without service mode, I must have either internal peace or a good attitude and happiness within.
Questions! Questions! Always questions!
With my slave tendencies, I tend to be submissive all the time. This doesn't work out well at my place of employment so I struggle and put on a professional persona when I'm at work. Once I am fully home, I am supposed to switch into service mode. However, this switch is hard for me to accomplish quite often. Going into learning mode is also difficult.
Should I learn how to stay in service mode while at work? Is that possible? What about in other aspects of life such as grocery shopping, dealing with normal issues, or when I'm visiting on facebook?
Being naturally submissive, I find that the easiest & probably best way for me to deal with other people is with courtesy and civility. However, many times other people seem to want to force me out of my submissive self. People sense my submission and they judge it as weakness immediately. It looks to me as if humanity carries a natural aggressive tendency to attack if they perceive a weakness in another. Whatever the reason for their attack, regrettably, my flaw here is that I have not yet learned how to not take things personally. Perhaps I must change how I think about what is personal: Things that take away from my time with Master, my child, my home; that's personal. I don't understand how those things could not be personal. Will that change with Internal Enslavement?
In trying to deal with my the difficulty shifting from "professional persona" to "service mode," I have minimized my stress in many ways. I changed or stopped a great many things that contributed negativity rather than positivity in my life: I don't visit family. I'm not on facebook much anymore. I don't fraternize with coworkers or anyone else. I have fewer pets. I don't focus every waking moment on the lengthy process of Master's immigration into this country. I keep my opinions to myself (mostly). I voluntarily isolate myself from other people. These things have helped, but it is not enough, I know there is more for me to work on so that I can be in service mode all of the time.
If things affect my emotional and mental health, I lose my internal peace, my ability to remain in service mode, and my ability to continue learning in nearly every way. What a paradox! If I am to enter & remain in service mode, I must be at internal peace. Though learning can be done without service mode, I must have either internal peace or a good attitude and happiness within.
Questions! Questions! Always questions!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tumbleweeds...
There is a poem that fits me. It suits me well... or at least it did. Here's the poem:
The Tumbleweed.
Where do they come from,The Tumbleweed?Where do they go to,The Tumbleweed?Who knows whence is their life so free,Born on the prairies' shadowless sea?Who knows of the parents they boast,This tossing, fringed, homeless host?Who knows where they bury their deadWhen the winds', high requiem is said?__Vagrants alway,The Tumbleweed!Where do they come from,The Tumbleweed?Where do they go to,The Tumbleweed?Ask of the breezes that sigh and fall;Ask of the winds that shriek and call;Ask of the changing lights that passOver the wheat, the corn, the grass;Ask of the rose-gray mists that creepLike mother-watch o'er the prairies' sleep,__Vagrants alway,The Tumbleweed!Where do they come from,The Tumbleweed?Where do they go to,The Tumbleweed?Suddenly at your feet they lie,Laughing, tumbling, go rolling by;Over the blue-bound prairies leap,No faith, no love, no tryst they keep;Free and wild is the will they boast,This tossing, fringed, homeless host,__Vagrants alway,The Tumbleweed!__Hannah Rea Woodman.
Here's the situation. All my life I was a tumbleweed and perfectly happy with that idea. I moved a lot. I moved every time I felt interested in going elsewhere. I never felt tied to any one place. Renting helps...
I own a house now. I didn't want that with every fiber of my being, my ex did. He insisted. I shrugged and said, "Sure," figuring the relationship was a forever thing.
Nope.
Try again.
So now I'm in this house, see. I can't complain... it's paid for. I'm scraping financially though. I ask myself, "Why??? It's not like I go on spending sprees!" So today I made a chart to see what was going on with my finances. Guess what? Hell, I don't make but just enough to live every year after the cost of house tax and insurance! For ME, this is a tremendous incentive to SELL the damn house! Of course that leaves me with capital gains tax, which I feel is tremendously unfair considering this house was paid for with inheritance (that doesn't get taxed here, thank goodness!) so pretty much once you buy a house, the government tries to keep you in one, whether you like it or not. Unfair, I say! but that's an argument/discussion for some other time.
I always liked renting. I didn't have to worry about trying to plan, find workers for, get installed, or afford maintenance costs of a house. Need a new roof, or a new air conditioner? Washer or dryer not working? Refrigerator broke down? Not my problem as a renter.
Although... I don't know where I'd find a rental place with room for this ginormous bedroom furniture set. o.o Might have to lose that.
I like the garage feature with my owned house too...not many rentals with those.
So you see, my arguments go back and forth ceaselessly. But the gist of it today is... the chart says I better do something to cut a cost somewhere. Wish me luck because truly, I wish to be with my Master and truly, I don't know how that is going to happen anytime soon with the way things are going and the ridiculous immigration rules of my country.
*sigh* Again... wish me luck.
I own a house now. I didn't want that with every fiber of my being, my ex did. He insisted. I shrugged and said, "Sure," figuring the relationship was a forever thing.
Nope.
Try again.
So now I'm in this house, see. I can't complain... it's paid for. I'm scraping financially though. I ask myself, "Why??? It's not like I go on spending sprees!" So today I made a chart to see what was going on with my finances. Guess what? Hell, I don't make but just enough to live every year after the cost of house tax and insurance! For ME, this is a tremendous incentive to SELL the damn house! Of course that leaves me with capital gains tax, which I feel is tremendously unfair considering this house was paid for with inheritance (that doesn't get taxed here, thank goodness!) so pretty much once you buy a house, the government tries to keep you in one, whether you like it or not. Unfair, I say! but that's an argument/discussion for some other time.
I always liked renting. I didn't have to worry about trying to plan, find workers for, get installed, or afford maintenance costs of a house. Need a new roof, or a new air conditioner? Washer or dryer not working? Refrigerator broke down? Not my problem as a renter.
Although... I don't know where I'd find a rental place with room for this ginormous bedroom furniture set. o.o Might have to lose that.
I like the garage feature with my owned house too...not many rentals with those.
So you see, my arguments go back and forth ceaselessly. But the gist of it today is... the chart says I better do something to cut a cost somewhere. Wish me luck because truly, I wish to be with my Master and truly, I don't know how that is going to happen anytime soon with the way things are going and the ridiculous immigration rules of my country.
*sigh* Again... wish me luck.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
High maintenance or being transparent?
Yes, I know. Three posts in one day. What can I say other than I'm talkative and full of thought today?
So I just read this article: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/02/i-dont-want-to-complain-too-much/ and I have to say it hit home in more ways than one as this is something I have wrestled with in my own head quite a bit.
I've been told I'm high maintenance before, but Master says I am not. He says that, in fact, I make it easy. When I understand this fully, I'll be sure to let you know. Until then, rumination and self-dissection will likely continue.
In the article, the slave tells that she's been trained to tell her Master everything, even if it's merely that she has a headache. She says her dominant calls it being "transparent" - and it means that he wishes to know everything. Everything in her head, everything going on with her, everything happening in her body. In fact, her dominant feels that if she doesn't tell him something, then she is violating the rule of transparency. Because my Master is much the same way in wanting to know everything going on in my head rather than having me be merely a service "animal," I THINK... my Master is asking me to be transparent as well?
At the end of the article, she puts several very good questions. Some of these I might be able to answer, others I will have to discuss with my Sir. It is quite possible that I may have to mull some of this over in my Rubik's Cube before I decide one way or another on the subject
My answers:
I think there are days I do complain too much. Other days I find myself being stoic or too busy before I finally remember to say something. With the combination, I personally feel that I am, indeed, a high maintenance submissive. Oddly enough, I can't remember any complaints in our relationship. No really. We have discussions, but He doesn't complain. He's the one in charge here.
I cannot imagine a dominant of any sort wishing to know much more than what oil he prefers to have rubbed into his feet. My Master is not like that. He is an enigma. He seems to want to know everything in my head. My question is, where do I stop blathering in His ear, if ever? I'm sure He'll let me know. :D
So I just read this article: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/02/i-dont-want-to-complain-too-much/ and I have to say it hit home in more ways than one as this is something I have wrestled with in my own head quite a bit.
I've been told I'm high maintenance before, but Master says I am not. He says that, in fact, I make it easy. When I understand this fully, I'll be sure to let you know. Until then, rumination and self-dissection will likely continue.
In the article, the slave tells that she's been trained to tell her Master everything, even if it's merely that she has a headache. She says her dominant calls it being "transparent" - and it means that he wishes to know everything. Everything in her head, everything going on with her, everything happening in her body. In fact, her dominant feels that if she doesn't tell him something, then she is violating the rule of transparency. Because my Master is much the same way in wanting to know everything going on in my head rather than having me be merely a service "animal," I THINK... my Master is asking me to be transparent as well?
At the end of the article, she puts several very good questions. Some of these I might be able to answer, others I will have to discuss with my Sir. It is quite possible that I may have to mull some of this over in my Rubik's Cube before I decide one way or another on the subject
Her questions:
Do you think you complain too much? Does your Dominant think so? Does this make you a high maintenance submissive? How do you handle complaints in your relationship?
My answers:
I think there are days I do complain too much. Other days I find myself being stoic or too busy before I finally remember to say something. With the combination, I personally feel that I am, indeed, a high maintenance submissive. Oddly enough, I can't remember any complaints in our relationship. No really. We have discussions, but He doesn't complain. He's the one in charge here.
I cannot imagine a dominant of any sort wishing to know much more than what oil he prefers to have rubbed into his feet. My Master is not like that. He is an enigma. He seems to want to know everything in my head. My question is, where do I stop blathering in His ear, if ever? I'm sure He'll let me know. :D
Identity...
* Do you ever fear of losing your own identity or sense of self within your service?
* Do you welcome the idea of losing your sense of self or identity?
* Do you believe it is possible -for you- to do so?
* Do you believe it would be (or that it is) healthy -for you- to do so?
Once my Master is finally here, yes, I fear the possible loss of my identity. Not sure why, as He seems to like who I am, but I have the feeling He intends to "polish" me until I shine with His light and His will. Why am I afraid of this? Perhaps it is because up until two years ago, I was always just me. Lonely until I realized I was my own best company. Still lonely sometimes, but me nonetheless.
In a way, I do welcome the possibility of losing my sense of self. In His service, feeling His ownership of me, I feel a rare serenity that is hardly felt otherwise. It would be nice to lose myself in that. To be held in His service only, and to be in charge of nothing else in this life, would relieve the burden from me of every other thing so that I would be lost in that serenity, focused on Him forever. Yes, that would be wonderful.
Is it possible? If it were just Master and I, it would certainly be possible. With a child in my life, I'm not so sure. I'm not even sure it is possible once my child hits majority (age 18 in this country) as children seem to have constant needs after the fact what with college and money binds now and then. I'm not sure children are really ready to be out on their own without anyone to help them until they're closer to 30. (Even though I did it... even though many others have done it as well...)
Would it be healthy for me to lose my sense of identity, my sense of self, within my service to my Master? Absolutely. This isn't a life for everyone though. There are some out there who finally feel at home within themselves as they answer the call within them to BE themselves. Not everyone is a submissive, not every submissive is a slave.
A submissive should maybe not lose their sense of self except possibly during their service. A slave can lose themselves for the remainder of their lifetime or with that Master. Some would believe it to be a lifetime of loss, but for a slave it is not a loss at all. It is the gaining of serenity and peace within. All burden removed. I can only wonder if perhaps this is not unlike the call to which the very religious answer when they join a convent or become a monk. That is different, as one is lost in the service of a god or goddess, but my Master IS my god to me.
I never was a religious person, but this man makes me find myself within my service. For me, losing my sense of self and achieving serenity instead is a far greater call than forging ahead with all the fears and uncertainty I've had my whole life. I've walked the road less travelled, to be sure, but it led me to Him, and that's all that matters to me.
I love You, Master. Thank you. *bows head in submission and serenity*
* Do you welcome the idea of losing your sense of self or identity?
* Do you believe it is possible -for you- to do so?
* Do you believe it would be (or that it is) healthy -for you- to do so?
Once my Master is finally here, yes, I fear the possible loss of my identity. Not sure why, as He seems to like who I am, but I have the feeling He intends to "polish" me until I shine with His light and His will. Why am I afraid of this? Perhaps it is because up until two years ago, I was always just me. Lonely until I realized I was my own best company. Still lonely sometimes, but me nonetheless.
In a way, I do welcome the possibility of losing my sense of self. In His service, feeling His ownership of me, I feel a rare serenity that is hardly felt otherwise. It would be nice to lose myself in that. To be held in His service only, and to be in charge of nothing else in this life, would relieve the burden from me of every other thing so that I would be lost in that serenity, focused on Him forever. Yes, that would be wonderful.
Is it possible? If it were just Master and I, it would certainly be possible. With a child in my life, I'm not so sure. I'm not even sure it is possible once my child hits majority (age 18 in this country) as children seem to have constant needs after the fact what with college and money binds now and then. I'm not sure children are really ready to be out on their own without anyone to help them until they're closer to 30. (Even though I did it... even though many others have done it as well...)
Would it be healthy for me to lose my sense of identity, my sense of self, within my service to my Master? Absolutely. This isn't a life for everyone though. There are some out there who finally feel at home within themselves as they answer the call within them to BE themselves. Not everyone is a submissive, not every submissive is a slave.
A submissive should maybe not lose their sense of self except possibly during their service. A slave can lose themselves for the remainder of their lifetime or with that Master. Some would believe it to be a lifetime of loss, but for a slave it is not a loss at all. It is the gaining of serenity and peace within. All burden removed. I can only wonder if perhaps this is not unlike the call to which the very religious answer when they join a convent or become a monk. That is different, as one is lost in the service of a god or goddess, but my Master IS my god to me.
I never was a religious person, but this man makes me find myself within my service. For me, losing my sense of self and achieving serenity instead is a far greater call than forging ahead with all the fears and uncertainty I've had my whole life. I've walked the road less travelled, to be sure, but it led me to Him, and that's all that matters to me.
I love You, Master. Thank you. *bows head in submission and serenity*
When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?
Being owned and being submissive; these are two entirely different concepts. Being "aware" of those things brings them into yet another light (or I could be making this far more complicated than it is. LOL!) There is also the concept that domination may contribute to the awareness of being owned. (But do confuse Dominance with domination)
I feel submissive almost all the time now that I know what I am. My submissiveness shows more and more as I age and become enriched as a being. I am aware of my submissiveness every time I take a different action than a non-submissive would. I will be quiet and talk to Master about how to approach a problem, work up to it and finally confront it. This process can take days or weeks & sometimes months for me to accomplish, a fact that probably irritates several people. But I digress
I most aware of my submissiveness to my Master when I am at peace. When I am bowing to my Master, when I have cuffs on, this is when I feel that calm, deep peace within me. I may have a chaotic mess in my head, but as soon as I bow my head to him, I can touch upon that inner calm and I mellow out. In many ways, this has been a mercy, for if left to my own devices I tend to allow life to take over and run ME rather than the other way around.
I am most aware of being owned when I have my cuffs on. However, sometimes at night when it's time to go to bed, it feels as if I'm just putting wrist cuffs on out of habit. I'm so used to having the ankle cuffs on all the time that I feel naked without them. Wrist cuffs, however, tend to get in the way of things so I don't wear them until it's time for bed. They get wet when I'm doing anything with water; they get soiled if I'm cleaning or cooking; they seriously inhibit my ability to type at the computer and that gets in the way of our communication in a completely unacceptable way. Eventually Master wishes to get steel ones that are oval-shaped for my wrists. They'll match my collar and I'm sure the comments will roll in when people notice them - it may very well look as if I've just stepped off the slave set for a movie. Haha! I can't wait! *grin*
There are other times where I feel owned and submissive: 1) When He uses "the voice" on me. If I am in trouble or need to calm down and I'm not responding to His regular voice, He turns it up a notch. I notice then, I'll tell you! 2) If W/we are together and He touches me, I feel that submission. Doesn't matter what touch, gentle or forceful, I feel that ownership.
On touch: Master & I are both VERY touch-oriented people. It is how we operate best within ourselves in our lives - with require that reassuring and reminding touch with one another. It is a hell that we are separated! Having not had as much time as I probably need to experience more, I cannot tell you whether or not forceful touch has a different effect, YET. Gentle touch and bed-wrestling I have experienced, but it was when our relationship was new and every moment was a wild & desperate passion wherein we knew our time together was limited. Our relationship has matured and become more established. We have moved past the "new" to "settled" and in most (vanilla) relationships, this is where some folks get into trouble. We are unable to really experience anything beyond the light Master/slave relationship we have because of our inability to touch and live with one another on a daily basis. I look forward to the day when I can know how forceful touch will affect me! It is with trembling excitement and great longing that I await our real life together! To be able to run my hands over Him. Ohhhh yes.
This girl misses You, Sir. Very very much. We will make it!
I feel submissive almost all the time now that I know what I am. My submissiveness shows more and more as I age and become enriched as a being. I am aware of my submissiveness every time I take a different action than a non-submissive would. I will be quiet and talk to Master about how to approach a problem, work up to it and finally confront it. This process can take days or weeks & sometimes months for me to accomplish, a fact that probably irritates several people. But I digress
I most aware of my submissiveness to my Master when I am at peace. When I am bowing to my Master, when I have cuffs on, this is when I feel that calm, deep peace within me. I may have a chaotic mess in my head, but as soon as I bow my head to him, I can touch upon that inner calm and I mellow out. In many ways, this has been a mercy, for if left to my own devices I tend to allow life to take over and run ME rather than the other way around.
I am most aware of being owned when I have my cuffs on. However, sometimes at night when it's time to go to bed, it feels as if I'm just putting wrist cuffs on out of habit. I'm so used to having the ankle cuffs on all the time that I feel naked without them. Wrist cuffs, however, tend to get in the way of things so I don't wear them until it's time for bed. They get wet when I'm doing anything with water; they get soiled if I'm cleaning or cooking; they seriously inhibit my ability to type at the computer and that gets in the way of our communication in a completely unacceptable way. Eventually Master wishes to get steel ones that are oval-shaped for my wrists. They'll match my collar and I'm sure the comments will roll in when people notice them - it may very well look as if I've just stepped off the slave set for a movie. Haha! I can't wait! *grin*
There are other times where I feel owned and submissive: 1) When He uses "the voice" on me. If I am in trouble or need to calm down and I'm not responding to His regular voice, He turns it up a notch. I notice then, I'll tell you! 2) If W/we are together and He touches me, I feel that submission. Doesn't matter what touch, gentle or forceful, I feel that ownership.
On touch: Master & I are both VERY touch-oriented people. It is how we operate best within ourselves in our lives - with require that reassuring and reminding touch with one another. It is a hell that we are separated! Having not had as much time as I probably need to experience more, I cannot tell you whether or not forceful touch has a different effect, YET. Gentle touch and bed-wrestling I have experienced, but it was when our relationship was new and every moment was a wild & desperate passion wherein we knew our time together was limited. Our relationship has matured and become more established. We have moved past the "new" to "settled" and in most (vanilla) relationships, this is where some folks get into trouble. We are unable to really experience anything beyond the light Master/slave relationship we have because of our inability to touch and live with one another on a daily basis. I look forward to the day when I can know how forceful touch will affect me! It is with trembling excitement and great longing that I await our real life together! To be able to run my hands over Him. Ohhhh yes.
This girl misses You, Sir. Very very much. We will make it!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Regret and “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” -Mahatma Gandhi
I never had a problem with Gandhi. I have a problem with being peaceful and calm. No really. I'm sure that's it. There's rarely a calm day in my life unless I'm home on the weekend and 80% of the time I'm there now I feel like I'm spending it being lost in another world on LOTRO. I get things done, but to be honest, life and the things that need doing have taken a bit of a backseat. I pay the bills - barely on time. I vacuum - about once a month. Where I used to sweep the kitchen daily? It's lucky to get it once a week. Walk the dog? Rarely if ever. Watch a movie with my son? Nope, not happening.
Even the relationship has taken a step down. He's there. I'm here. We're waiting. Constantly waiting. This time we're both to blame. My idiocy in taxes and he has to get a full-time job in order to "qualify" for this particular episode of "Jump Through This Hoop, Motherfucker."
Have I told you how much I despise that game? The USA is officially owned & ruled by the paranoid.
Yes. Another bitchfest. One that has little to do with the title so far.
Lose yourself in the service of others. I can barely lose myself on a daily basis so I don't think about my complete and utter stupidity in this whole mess. What really gets me is that I'm starting to have regrets about things in life.
OMG. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's IT!
Oh holy hell why hadn't I figured that out by now. Hahahahaha!!!! OK. Here's what I'm supposed to get from this.
I'm going to make mistakes and...
guess what?
It's okay.
It'll be okay because I'll be okay. I'm always okay. *wink* I was okay when I lived in my car. I was okay when I ate catfood to survive. I was okay when I had no place to live. I was okay when I had debt coming out my ears and no way to ever pay it back.
***I'm okay with having loaned money to my friends. I WAS okay with telling them not to worry about it because at the time, it was no big deal. Now I don't know what to do because I told them to not worry about it so they didn't. How is it their fault that I now need/want that money back because I feel it should be a cushion for me in my current state? It's not that I'm worried about being yelled at, it's whether or not I'm right in asking for it after telling them not to worry about it because they could not possibly afford it at the time and I couldn't see that changing for them in the future?
***Why have an issue on having no current desire for friendship? I have no interest in spending time with other people. At all. I like going home and poking around my house, making tinctures, playing on the computer, teasing my son and general housework. This may be weird to you, but I love it.
***I love my job. I just do.
***I love my son. I don't regret having a child at all. We'll find a way for Canada and the US to come together, even if it is merely the passing of time that does its trick.
***My marriages, each and every one, were priceless learning experiences. We did have fun. I learned a lot. Not a problem.
***I love my car. Period. End of story.
***I love living in the country and my house is paid for. Being in town would be a convenience for the closeness of things. Being in town would be a horrible INconvenience regarding noise, my dogs, neighbors that are too close, and our lifestyle.
I think, I need a change on perspective. I need to fix some things. I think we'll be okay, even if it's just one little step at a time that we take moving in the directly of being okay. Yup. I think this will work.
So maybe it isn't losing myself in the service of anyone other than myself. I'm finding myself by learning how to treat (and not treat) myself. Hard lesson. Well worth it though.
I love You, Master.
Even the relationship has taken a step down. He's there. I'm here. We're waiting. Constantly waiting. This time we're both to blame. My idiocy in taxes and he has to get a full-time job in order to "qualify" for this particular episode of "Jump Through This Hoop, Motherfucker."
Have I told you how much I despise that game? The USA is officially owned & ruled by the paranoid.
Yes. Another bitchfest. One that has little to do with the title so far.
Lose yourself in the service of others. I can barely lose myself on a daily basis so I don't think about my complete and utter stupidity in this whole mess. What really gets me is that I'm starting to have regrets about things in life.
MY WHOLE LIFE I NEVER HAD REGRETS!!!!
This scares me.
It scares me a lot.
I don't want to have regrets.
**I don't want to regret helping out my friends, who then turned out to not really be such good friends after all, none of whom will probably ever pay me back, some of whom put the responsibility of the loan onto others rather than take responsibility for their half, most of which are gallyvanting across the countryside doing whatever they damn well please because THEY are no longer in a financial mess... and all of whom have conveniently forgotten their loan which has now put me into the owe taxes category.
**I don't want to regret having friends at one point in my life, with whom I had a very good time, even if it was short-lived before they showed that they are completely irresponsible and unreliable.
**I don't want to regret having the job I
love instead of finishing college and getting a respectable job that
makes me really good money so I wasn't in this bind.
**I
don't want to regret having a child to a man who couldn't parent
properly and now lords his power over me with a decree and parenting
plan to keep me in this country and not take his son out of it. A son he
never sees. A son he could care less about seeing.
**I don't want to regret having so many marriages from which I learned so much about men, about myself, about people in general... men who all left me for one reason or another.
**I don't want to regret buying a Camaro - the car I always wanted, that actually gets better gas mileage than my Monte did even though it also is a V-8, though the tires cost $2K every 2 years, though the insurance costs $1K every year, though it keeps having to go into the shop for weird shit and isn't very well made - all thing considering, though it is rear-wheel drive and ends up parked during even a hint of a snowstorm.
**I don't want to regret living out in the country in a house that we settled on rather than having a choice to buy. A house that's fully paid for. That sits on two acres. With a fenced yard and attached garage. Where my neighbors are all assholes but every single one of them leaves me alone.
So here are a list of regrets:
.
..
...
That's right. There's not a goddamn thing there. I don't want any regrets. I may bitch. I may whine. I may shake my fist at the heavens and vow to get even... In the end that's all it is. Hot air. Me spouting a lot of hot air.
Master says I need a vacation. I agree. I also need a new roof, a car I can drive in the snow, my concrete driveway repaired, a new cover on the crawlspace, a spigot & pipe replaced in my backyard, drainage for the watering hole that is my backyard, the septic systems cracked open and drained, and a host of other tiny bullshit that comes up regularly.
I cannot afford a vacation. Not even a little one.
I am not in debt. I won't BE in debt. Capital One is not in my wallet. But neither is money.
Lose myself. Maybe. Find myself? Possibly. I think I already did that finding myself bit though.
Service of others. I think I've given enough of that and all I've to show for it is an empty bank account. The only one I'm servicing henceforth is my Master.
This is all on me. It's about the choices I make. I'm certain that is the case! Problem is, if I question my choices, I'm back to "regret" and we all know how I feel about that.
I was told that my mother would never accept a decision for me to successfully leave my husband because she'd chosen to stay with her own husband through alcoholism and insanity. Have I reached the point that I can no longer tolerate having made mistakes? Is that why I have such a problem with this? Used to be that I could say I'd screwed up and move on. Now I'm wondering if this is me stuck in a rut in my THINKING.
Oh holy hell why hadn't I figured that out by now. Hahahahaha!!!! OK. Here's what I'm supposed to get from this.
I'm going to make mistakes and...
guess what?
It's okay.
It'll be okay because I'll be okay. I'm always okay. *wink* I was okay when I lived in my car. I was okay when I ate catfood to survive. I was okay when I had no place to live. I was okay when I had debt coming out my ears and no way to ever pay it back.
***I'm okay with having loaned money to my friends. I WAS okay with telling them not to worry about it because at the time, it was no big deal. Now I don't know what to do because I told them to not worry about it so they didn't. How is it their fault that I now need/want that money back because I feel it should be a cushion for me in my current state? It's not that I'm worried about being yelled at, it's whether or not I'm right in asking for it after telling them not to worry about it because they could not possibly afford it at the time and I couldn't see that changing for them in the future?
***Why have an issue on having no current desire for friendship? I have no interest in spending time with other people. At all. I like going home and poking around my house, making tinctures, playing on the computer, teasing my son and general housework. This may be weird to you, but I love it.
***I love my job. I just do.
***I love my son. I don't regret having a child at all. We'll find a way for Canada and the US to come together, even if it is merely the passing of time that does its trick.
***My marriages, each and every one, were priceless learning experiences. We did have fun. I learned a lot. Not a problem.
***I love my car. Period. End of story.
***I love living in the country and my house is paid for. Being in town would be a convenience for the closeness of things. Being in town would be a horrible INconvenience regarding noise, my dogs, neighbors that are too close, and our lifestyle.
I think, I need a change on perspective. I need to fix some things. I think we'll be okay, even if it's just one little step at a time that we take moving in the directly of being okay. Yup. I think this will work.
So maybe it isn't losing myself in the service of anyone other than myself. I'm finding myself by learning how to treat (and not treat) myself. Hard lesson. Well worth it though.
I love You, Master.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Peace
This journal post from http://www.submissiveguide.com/journalprompts/ caught my attention today...
OMG yes. Yes yes absolutely yes. I struggled my whole life with internal & external strife, rages from pressure-cooker type anger, depressions... there was never peace, let alone Peace with a capital P (the kind I get from my submission to Master).
At first the idea of BDSM caught my interest, but it was purely domination in the bedroom and nowhere else. I was used to being the alpha in every day life, even if unconsciously I was trying to be submissive. Why did I know I liked submission in the bedroom then, you ask? I liked being spanked. I liked having my hair pulled. I liked being tied down and blindfolded, even though I'd only managed to talk one of my ex-husbands into trying that once. (He didn't like it so it never happened again - *shrug*) As a matter of fact, having my hair pulled at my nape provides such a strong reaction that I can orgasm from that alone.
How'd it progress beyond the bedroom then, you ask? When I found out that Master is a Master. Before that, we were on the road to being a perfectly vanilla, albeit kinky and exploratory, couple. Once I got over my initial surprise and reactional (yet internalized) jealousy of his previous sub, I became curious, then intrigued.
Jealousy. Over Emerald Wolf. I know he had other subs. Am I jealous of any of them? Well yes. ALL of them, really. (I'm still working on that jealousy thing about people long past and gone from His life, and it surprises & upsets me that it's an issue for me). Silly, but I completely understand and feel monogamy with this man, and the idea of not wanting to share is paramount in my mind. He's excellent - best fit for me I've ever had in every way. I truly believe we were made for one another. Having come from a polyamory life, however, I can see how some other females might go after him even if he's mine. And that... pisses me off. Just the thought of it.
But I digress.
This was to be about that inner peace. Hmm. Well at this point I believe it will be divided into two parts because it's very late and my brain has nearly quit working. The Golden Moment has passed. My fingers are refusing to hit the proper keys anymore. Typing has become arduous. :D Yes. Goodnight, I say!
"There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a
power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over
another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the
heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet
obedience gives to an Owner."
OMG yes. Yes yes absolutely yes. I struggled my whole life with internal & external strife, rages from pressure-cooker type anger, depressions... there was never peace, let alone Peace with a capital P (the kind I get from my submission to Master).
At first the idea of BDSM caught my interest, but it was purely domination in the bedroom and nowhere else. I was used to being the alpha in every day life, even if unconsciously I was trying to be submissive. Why did I know I liked submission in the bedroom then, you ask? I liked being spanked. I liked having my hair pulled. I liked being tied down and blindfolded, even though I'd only managed to talk one of my ex-husbands into trying that once. (He didn't like it so it never happened again - *shrug*) As a matter of fact, having my hair pulled at my nape provides such a strong reaction that I can orgasm from that alone.
How'd it progress beyond the bedroom then, you ask? When I found out that Master is a Master. Before that, we were on the road to being a perfectly vanilla, albeit kinky and exploratory, couple. Once I got over my initial surprise and reactional (yet internalized) jealousy of his previous sub, I became curious, then intrigued.
Jealousy. Over Emerald Wolf. I know he had other subs. Am I jealous of any of them? Well yes. ALL of them, really. (I'm still working on that jealousy thing about people long past and gone from His life, and it surprises & upsets me that it's an issue for me). Silly, but I completely understand and feel monogamy with this man, and the idea of not wanting to share is paramount in my mind. He's excellent - best fit for me I've ever had in every way. I truly believe we were made for one another. Having come from a polyamory life, however, I can see how some other females might go after him even if he's mine. And that... pisses me off. Just the thought of it.
But I digress.
This was to be about that inner peace. Hmm. Well at this point I believe it will be divided into two parts because it's very late and my brain has nearly quit working. The Golden Moment has passed. My fingers are refusing to hit the proper keys anymore. Typing has become arduous. :D Yes. Goodnight, I say!
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