Even the relationship has taken a step down. He's there. I'm here. We're waiting. Constantly waiting. This time we're both to blame. My idiocy in taxes and he has to get a full-time job in order to "qualify" for this particular episode of "Jump Through This Hoop, Motherfucker."
Have I told you how much I despise that game? The USA is officially owned & ruled by the paranoid.
Yes. Another bitchfest. One that has little to do with the title so far.
Lose yourself in the service of others. I can barely lose myself on a daily basis so I don't think about my complete and utter stupidity in this whole mess. What really gets me is that I'm starting to have regrets about things in life.
MY WHOLE LIFE I NEVER HAD REGRETS!!!!
This scares me.
It scares me a lot.
I don't want to have regrets.
**I don't want to regret helping out my friends, who then turned out to not really be such good friends after all, none of whom will probably ever pay me back, some of whom put the responsibility of the loan onto others rather than take responsibility for their half, most of which are gallyvanting across the countryside doing whatever they damn well please because THEY are no longer in a financial mess... and all of whom have conveniently forgotten their loan which has now put me into the owe taxes category.
**I don't want to regret having friends at one point in my life, with whom I had a very good time, even if it was short-lived before they showed that they are completely irresponsible and unreliable.
**I don't want to regret having the job I
love instead of finishing college and getting a respectable job that
makes me really good money so I wasn't in this bind.
**I
don't want to regret having a child to a man who couldn't parent
properly and now lords his power over me with a decree and parenting
plan to keep me in this country and not take his son out of it. A son he
never sees. A son he could care less about seeing.
**I don't want to regret having so many marriages from which I learned so much about men, about myself, about people in general... men who all left me for one reason or another.
**I don't want to regret buying a Camaro - the car I always wanted, that actually gets better gas mileage than my Monte did even though it also is a V-8, though the tires cost $2K every 2 years, though the insurance costs $1K every year, though it keeps having to go into the shop for weird shit and isn't very well made - all thing considering, though it is rear-wheel drive and ends up parked during even a hint of a snowstorm.
**I don't want to regret living out in the country in a house that we settled on rather than having a choice to buy. A house that's fully paid for. That sits on two acres. With a fenced yard and attached garage. Where my neighbors are all assholes but every single one of them leaves me alone.
So here are a list of regrets:
.
..
...
That's right. There's not a goddamn thing there. I don't want any regrets. I may bitch. I may whine. I may shake my fist at the heavens and vow to get even... In the end that's all it is. Hot air. Me spouting a lot of hot air.
Master says I need a vacation. I agree. I also need a new roof, a car I can drive in the snow, my concrete driveway repaired, a new cover on the crawlspace, a spigot & pipe replaced in my backyard, drainage for the watering hole that is my backyard, the septic systems cracked open and drained, and a host of other tiny bullshit that comes up regularly.
I cannot afford a vacation. Not even a little one.
I am not in debt. I won't BE in debt. Capital One is not in my wallet. But neither is money.
Lose myself. Maybe. Find myself? Possibly. I think I already did that finding myself bit though.
Service of others. I think I've given enough of that and all I've to show for it is an empty bank account. The only one I'm servicing henceforth is my Master.
This is all on me. It's about the choices I make. I'm certain that is the case! Problem is, if I question my choices, I'm back to "regret" and we all know how I feel about that.
I was told that my mother would never accept a decision for me to successfully leave my husband because she'd chosen to stay with her own husband through alcoholism and insanity. Have I reached the point that I can no longer tolerate having made mistakes? Is that why I have such a problem with this? Used to be that I could say I'd screwed up and move on. Now I'm wondering if this is me stuck in a rut in my THINKING.
Oh holy hell why hadn't I figured that out by now. Hahahahaha!!!! OK. Here's what I'm supposed to get from this.
I'm going to make mistakes and...
guess what?
It's okay.
It'll be okay because I'll be okay. I'm always okay. *wink* I was okay when I lived in my car. I was okay when I ate catfood to survive. I was okay when I had no place to live. I was okay when I had debt coming out my ears and no way to ever pay it back.
***I'm okay with having loaned money to my friends. I WAS okay with telling them not to worry about it because at the time, it was no big deal. Now I don't know what to do because I told them to not worry about it so they didn't. How is it their fault that I now need/want that money back because I feel it should be a cushion for me in my current state? It's not that I'm worried about being yelled at, it's whether or not I'm right in asking for it after telling them not to worry about it because they could not possibly afford it at the time and I couldn't see that changing for them in the future?
***Why have an issue on having no current desire for friendship? I have no interest in spending time with other people. At all. I like going home and poking around my house, making tinctures, playing on the computer, teasing my son and general housework. This may be weird to you, but I love it.
***I love my job. I just do.
***I love my son. I don't regret having a child at all. We'll find a way for Canada and the US to come together, even if it is merely the passing of time that does its trick.
***My marriages, each and every one, were priceless learning experiences. We did have fun. I learned a lot. Not a problem.
***I love my car. Period. End of story.
***I love living in the country and my house is paid for. Being in town would be a convenience for the closeness of things. Being in town would be a horrible INconvenience regarding noise, my dogs, neighbors that are too close, and our lifestyle.
I think, I need a change on perspective. I need to fix some things. I think we'll be okay, even if it's just one little step at a time that we take moving in the directly of being okay. Yup. I think this will work.
So maybe it isn't losing myself in the service of anyone other than myself. I'm finding myself by learning how to treat (and not treat) myself. Hard lesson. Well worth it though.
I love You, Master.
